Hate

I don’t know if hate is really the word I am looking for, but it’s damn close if it isn’t.

Let’s see here…he literally drank every day this week except Thursday. I think he didn’t drink Thursday because I was off. He’s drinking more than normal lately. A 6-pack of tall boys in the morning and a twelve in the afternoon when I get home. So that’s like $25 per day minimum.

Today I worked, had a decent day on the job and when I get off work, I usually call him. Well, no surprise to me, he was drunk. I was instructed to come home and help him out. I obeyed but in the meantime I made plans with a friend.  When I picked him up to go to the store he had that evil, maenacing tone in his voice that scared me. I went out and came home a little while ago to nothing but smoke and loud music that I could hear out in the hallway. He was fucking living it up in here on my dime. I was yelled at because he saw a young mother with 2 little kids this week and both kids were wearing Air Jordans. This somehow symbolizes all of the problems in his universe. Then I was interrogated as to why I hadn’t ordered him a new computer yet.  (We had discussed ordering it for his job but he’s been drinking so much it scared me to make that commitment.) While he yammered on all I could think to myself was how much I hated him and that I wish his heart would seize up or something during the night.

Yeah I really really hate him. Why haven’t I started the divorce process? I don’t know, but I haven’t lost sight of it yet.

Pathetic

Him or me? You be the judge.

No, I still have not filed for divorce. I also am not trying to make him my best friend, either. I’ve been working my job…loving it…then I come home to his shit. Actually, he was in one of the most foul moods he’s capable of and when I hear that acute anger in his voice, it scares me. I’m not sure why, but it does. I’m certain, though that he thinks I’m having an affair.  Just the comments I hear from him and not to mention all that anger. So let me be the first to tell you that unfortunately I’m not, but I sure wish I were. At least it’d keep me entertained! I still feel very strongly that I AM going to make a change this year. I really, really just want him out.

So naturally he’s still drinking because as he tells me, it’s all he thinks about. We’ll I sure wish he’d go think about it at a park bench or homeless shelter. He’s being just really foul with me and I hate him for it.

News flash…my mom told me my grandparents don’t like him. That actually surprises me because my grandparents like everyone.  My mom told me that my Grandpa commented on how worthless he is and that he doesn’t contribute to anything. How true.

So I need the encouragement,  guts,  prayers and good vibes that I’ll actually be out of this all very, very soon.

Alcoholism

So I’m just sitting here thinking about my current stresses and everything that’s wrong in my life. It occurred to me that alcoholism is what’s wrong and why the fuck do I continue to allow it to be in my life at all. I mean, this show is on about crack heads and there’s a doctor talking about addiction and I know everything she’s gonna say before it comes out of her mouth. I don’t even want to know any of it! I don’t have room in my life for even a little bit of addiction.  I’m not an addict, I didn’t have addiction in my life over fifteen years ago…why would I even allow it any real estate in my mind and life??

Maybe I’m rambling but I’m so sick of my life being about addiction instead of happiness and life. I want to experience a day that is free of the effects of addiction. I wish I would’ve savored it before…him.

So I feel positive in myself that I am capable of changing this. I pray it lasts and I can actually do something about these feelings.  I used to think, who cares? Life’s over…ya blew it. But I’m not feeling that right now.  I’m feeling like I wanna put some change into motion. I’m feeling like I want my life back.

How’s that saying go? These times they are a changing…

2012

I’m feeling so down today. He drank last night and all day today. I don’t even think it’s that that’s bringing me down. It’s just everything. I’m so sick and tired of feeling like I’m in a roommate situation rather than a relationship. 

I love my job though. I go in tomorrow morning and I’m actually looking forward to it. It’s been a looong time since I’ve felt that way. I got along well with everyone in my training class but I haven’t met anyone that I’d consider real “friend” material but that’s ok. Sometimes that’s better. Unfortunately I found myself having a slight and I mean slight crush on someone there. I feel so stupid even admitting that but it’s true. I’m not sure if the feeling is reciprocated but that’s probably better that way, too.

He’s been “working” but I use that term loosely. He’s only worked like ten hours tops per week if that. Now he also drinks over half his check away so it’s not helping me much. He just continues to make things hard for me. Every. Single. Day.

I looked online at the Legal Zoom website.  I can file for dissolution in my state and Legal Zoom only charges $299 for the paperwork. I’m really thinking about ordering…if I could ever get a hold of three hundred bucks!

Anyway, I’m doing well, except for him. Let’s hope 2012 holds better things for all of us.

Happy New Year

This’ll be quick since I’m on my break at my new job, that I actually love and am really happy at.

Just wanted to wish you all a happy new year and all I can do is pray that 2012 will be the year I get my shit together and get rid of the baggage that is my marriage. I want to be happy; with or without a significant other. I just don’t want the hell of an alcoholic marriage anymore.

I’ll try to update soon about my job. He of course is still drinking each and every chance he gets which gets me closer to the poorhouse and makes my life a living hell.

No plans for tonight. I wish you all health and happiness in 2012.

Safe

So I got the call center job. I hope it doesn’t end up to be a disaster. By the looks of the potential hires, its not going to be the most professional of jobs. The recruiters were also going on about how high my scores were and how fast I type. Well, I do type quickly, but not the way I was taught in school. It’s my own, non-scientific technique.

So I hope this ends up as a job that I can call home. It’s been a long time since I’ve stayed at a job more than a couple of years. Those were the good old days. I worked a manufacturing job and made great money. We had two new cars, I bought a house and I even had money to buy things like clothes and furniture. Those days are sadly, long gone. I just hope this turns out well.

Today he was supposed to go discuss a project with a company he’s worked with for many years, but rather than keep the appointment, as soon as I left for the interview, he took off for the store with money I later found out that was stolen from my wallet. He’s well on his way into oblivion, talking nonsense and smoking wherever the fuck he pleases. I wasn’t even gone two hours.

Oh well. Tonight my friend is coming over and we’re celebrating her birthday. I’ve got a week off before I start the new job and I’d like to savor every moment till then.

Don’t Let the Door Hit You on Your Way Out

So this has never happened to me in my life and I’m relieved and I’m embarrassed and I even contemplated not posting anything about it on here. I was fired from my job today. Not laid off, straight-up terminated. I guess I won’t go into it. There’s not really a lot to get into, but my only source of income is now gone. I knew it was a possibility but thought if it were to happen it wouldn’t be till next month, at least. The bottom line is that I fell below my sales goals.

I’ve always had a sales job in one way or another and I’ve always thought I was pretty good at it. But lately its been tougher than pulling teeth and the company doesn’t hear about people who aren’t buying, they just keep increasing sales goals and think you should sell $200 to everyone you make eye contact with. I’m not a pushy salesperson and I never will be. So after my shift my manager put her boss on speaker phone and I was terminated.

I cried because I felt so incredibly stupid. I mean, I’ve never been fired before. I was relieved because this job is a lot more hype than its cracked up to be, but it was my job. I actually had a different job interview set up for next week but it was going to be hard for me to leave where I was. Well, I guess that decides that for me, doesn’t it?

So I will apply for unemployment on Monday. I also have the interview that day. Not a glamorous job, but I’m pretty sure I’ll get in (it’s a call center for Pete’s sake) so at least there’s that.

So I’m having mixed emotions. I’m glad I won’t be on my feet all day, working dreadful hours. But…I was fired. I feel useless.

Yeah, he got drunk today but the only thing I can say for him is that he was very supportive when I told him. He is supposed to go do some work at a company he’s worked off and on at for years on Monday. Maybe I won’t be destitute just yet. He can’t really mess this job up; they know all about his history.

I’m gonna go to bed now and wake up tomorrow and I’ll be glad I’ve got a Saturday off since that was forbidden at this job. And then I’ll go to the interview Monday (she told me I’ll interview, then take a test and if all goes well, be hired on the spot) and hope for the

best.

Divorce?

Why aren’t I already divorced? Honestly I’m not sure what my excuses are. Of course I’ve threatened it, thought about it…even fantasized about it. I think I’m afraid of everything about it. I’m afraid I couldn’t even come close to affording it. I’m afraid what an attorney will think when he sees what kind of financial mess we’re in. I’m afraid if I were to file he wouldn’t leave anyway. I’m afraid of admitting to certain parties in my family that they were right all along; I should have never married him. I’m afraid that his mom will kick in for an attorney for him and that I’ll have to pay him half of what I make for the next 4, five, six years… And maybe I’m afraid to tell myself, here’s yet another thing you attempted and failed at. Way to go.

Hiding in the Bedroom Getting Verbally Abused

What’d you do tonight? Me? Oh, after I got home from work at 9:30 I hid in my bedroom, eating my dinner. The Drunk was slumbering, passed out across my ottoman and big chair. I tried being oh so quiet and it worked for a little while.

I heard him doing his wake-up coughing fit for a couple minutes, then here he comes into the bedroom. I need cigarettes. He talked to me just a little bit, would leave the room every few minutes to smoke and then he’d come back. I need cigarettes.

I was stupid for even attempting to talk to him. I told him I was angry that he’d stolen money from me again and that every time he drinks it ends up costing me $30 to $50 and I cannot afford that. I said, you don’t want to work, I have to watch every fucking penny and its not fair. I didn’t say anything about the remote yesterday and I could’ve been a bitch about it…

Here we go. I’ll back up to yesterday when I got home from work and he’d seen the Best Buy ad and just had to have a universal remote for the tv. It’s one of the new ones that has a screen on it. Kinda cool, not necessary but I’ll admit I like getting new gadgets too so what the hell…we went to the store and of course they were sold out so we had to hit a couple more places and did some price matching and we ended up getting it. He had said if he can go home with this remote it would make his year. Please. So bottom line, I didn’t care that we bought the remote.

But that’s not how he took my comment. He raised his voice and said I buy one fucking thing a year! One fucking thing and I get shit for it! I knew you’d have to make a comment about it. One fucking thing! Over and over. I just sat here with my eyes closed. Please go away. He walked out of the room and I thought for sure he’d slam the door but he didn’t. I got $7 out of my wallet and sat it on the other side of the bed. He came in a couple minutes later saying, Just let me go to the store. Then he must’ve seen the money sitting there and said, What’s this? This isn’t enough! I just wanna go to the store and this isn’t enough. This is an insult! I need more than this! And on and on and on he went. If it were my last ten dollars on earth he wouldn’t care. He is such an ugly piece of shit. I just can’t stand him. He turns into this hideous monster several times a week and I fucking hate him. So what’d I do? Gave him a twenty and took back my $7. He’s supposed to bring me my change. That’s rich.

Tomorrow at 1:30 he has this appointment he’s been telling me about all month. He finally told me its to talk to a psychologist. Any doctor who talks to him should immediately see he’s a menace to society and have him committed ASAP. I could only hope. I wouldn’t even care if they lobotomize him. A vegetable would be a welcome addition over that piece of shit. I can’t stand being afraid in my own house. Or driving away on my way to work knowing he’s probably already putting his shoes on and will be walking down to the store the second I’m out of sight. And quite frankly I’m just jealous of people who seem to have normal lives, normal spouses…no turmoil or chaos. People who’ll probably get a Christmas gift from their spouse this year and a card on their anniversary. I can’t imagine…

So now I’m off work for 3 days. This should be fun.

Editing to add: its now Monday morning and he should be getting ready to go to his appointment but he polished off a second six-pack last night so he went to bed. Fucking incredible. What an asshole.

Happy Thanksgiving

Update: nothing has changed.

He still isn’t working but he is attempting to sell all of his vinyl albums online. So I should be able to afford a new home and car in no time…

He isn’t drinking today but he got irritated with me and went to bed at 8 o’clock. I have a huge list of things I’d like to do, but I really have no motivation today. I’d love to remove the 100+ pound air conditioner he finally took out of the window last week…and left on the floor. That’s where my Christmas tree belongs and I’d like to put one up this year. I’ve skipped it for the past several years because the cats try to eat everything off of it, but I’m feelin it this year so I wanna put it up. Normally, we store the AC upstairs but he always acts as if its the end of the world when he has to lug it out, so he wants me to clean out my closet so we can scoot it in there. So here we are full circle with me not having any motivation. I don’t know why. When I woke up I had every intention of doing it but…oh well. Maybe tomorrow.

Thanksgiving is Thursday. I would want nothing more than to spend it with my maternal side of the family, but my brother will be there with his, excuse my French, c**t of a wife who invented pregnancy and childbirth. She is phony, money hungry and unstable and I can’t stand being in the same room with her. So I called my dad and he fumbled around with his words and finally spit out that his sisters and married girlfriend are going to be there so I never really got an invite over there so… I’m gonna do Thanksgiving with a friend, her husband and son. The Drunk is planning on going to his mom’s condo. He’s gonna attempt to make some Hoppin’ John for the first time so I don’t know if he’ll end up at my friends house that day or not. What I do know, is that I have to be at work at 11:30pm Thursday. Some genius in the retail world thought he’d cheapen this holiday by opening at midnight, Black Friday. I’m totally against this idea for two reasons: I work retail and it just feels so desperate. Please come spend your money. We can’t wait till dawn…we need it NOW! So I’m pretty disgusted about that.

This will be the first year I’m not spending it with family and it makes me feel a little sad. On the other hand, since I love to cook and bake, it’ll be fun preparing stuff with my friend. I’m gonna make a French silk pie. Mmm.

But in case you were wondering if the husband kept his word and freelanced online, the answer is no. Surprising, isn’t it? So you know what I did tonight? I applied at the company he recently quit. So we’ll see what happens with that. If he could get hired, I certainly can. Oh, and something else to look forward to…he has some kind of an appointment after the holiday to “talk to someone”. I think he either means an assessment to get into a men’s home for sober living, or some kind of doctor that can attempt to help his head and hopefully prescribe some strong drugs. Either way, I’ll keep ya posted.

So have a happy Thanksgiving. I’m gonna try.