Him or me? You be the judge.
No, I still have not filed for divorce. I also am not trying to make him my best friend, either. I’ve been working my job…loving it…then I come home to his shit. Actually, he was in one of the most foul moods he’s capable of and when I hear that acute anger in his voice, it scares me. I’m not sure why, but it does. I’m certain, though that he thinks I’m having an affair. Just the comments I hear from him and not to mention all that anger. So let me be the first to tell you that unfortunately I’m not, but I sure wish I were. At least it’d keep me entertained! I still feel very strongly that I AM going to make a change this year. I really, really just want him out.
So naturally he’s still drinking because as he tells me, it’s all he thinks about. We’ll I sure wish he’d go think about it at a park bench or homeless shelter. He’s being just really foul with me and I hate him for it.
News flash…my mom told me my grandparents don’t like him. That actually surprises me because my grandparents like everyone. My mom told me that my Grandpa commented on how worthless he is and that he doesn’t contribute to anything. How true.
So I need the encouragement, guts, prayers and good vibes that I’ll actually be out of this all very, very soon.
Its great to know you are still loving the job. How does it make you feel that your grandparents do not care for your husband? I know how you feel on the wish you could cheat thing. Mine accuse me all the time, I sometimes wish I had the balls to go forward with cheating but I am too afraid of karma. When I finally do find the right one I never want the karma thing to come back and bite me in the butt.
Like an idiot, I completed all of the divorce paperwork and I even took off work to go and file the papers, but I got scared and didn’t go. The following week I wished I did. I do not know why I couldn’t go, but I made the excuse up in my mind that I didn’t want to be broke so I told myself I would just wait until I file my income taxes and get my refund back. Oh, how stupid am I.
Today around 4 I went to spend time with my sister. The drunk was sober before I left but when I got home around 11 pm i am assuming he had been out begging and got himself a 6 pack. Thats all it takes for him nowadays, especially, when he hasn’t been drinking a few days prior. Well, long story short he came upstairs to torture me around 1 am. Snatched all the covers off and threw the ones in the linen closet out down the stairs. Because I wouldn’t tell him where I was. I just chosed to keep quiet. Thinking he would just leave me alone. I had to call my stepfather to come over and get him and my mom called the police. End of the story is the drunk is downstairs smoking around my new sofa and watching my television and cable. While I am upstairs with my child coughing and the television is broken (by him of course).
Next time I will not be discouraged in filing. Believe me…….
I don’t think about the karma, because I figure I have a million good karmas coming my way for putting up with him for so long.
I’m really sorry you didn’t file. I know I’d have my family’s support but I also know he literally has no place to go so exterminating him is gonna be tough. The cigarette smoke makes me mad more than anything else. I. Fucking. Hate. It. I don’t think my sofa / mattress / clothing / carpets stand a chance once I finally do get him out. I’ll need all new stuff to go with my all new life!
This is my first time reading your blog and I have to tell you – thank you!
I have felt so alone over the past couple of years and see that there are people like me who understand this hell… Well it helps….
This year I too made a promise to myself to make myself the priority. 2011 was a year from hell and now my health is paying for it. I am determined to make this year about me and not my alcoholic husband.
Reading your blog has encouraged me and please don’t stop posting.
Stay strong.
Sincerely,
Sleeplessncalgary
Sleeplessincalgary, thank Wifeofalchie she created this blog. It is wonderful to me as well. I hope she knows how helpful this site is to me and to many others. Its even better than an alnon meeting to me right now. I attended one meeting and I got even more angry there because I thought I was going to be introduced to people who had left there alchies and were living a wonderful life or meet people who spouses had stopped drinking miracuously and they were also living a wonderful life. But the majority of people there were women who learned to live with the alchies. To me they just learned how to accept the fact that there spouse was a drunk and they continued on with their lives. I cannot see myself living the rest of my days with an alcoholic. Accepting his life and his feelings and forgetting about mine. Allowing him to be drunk all the time and not contribute to the home. I cannot see that as a way of living and want this life to change soon. But it is all up to us.
Welcome and I hope that from our words and our stories it can help you. Just as the stories of others is helping me.
Just want to echo a thank-you comment I saw here for this blog, Thank you for the blog and to all who post! I often turn here when I am searching for understanding. It helps to know there are others who are also living in this alternate reality.
Sending thoughts and prayers your way. I told mine to leave 15 days ago. Nothing new happened, I just had enough. I miss him terribly but see no other way for anything to change. We talk and see each other, but I put a deadbolt on so he can only come to the house if I invite him (unless he breaks in, and I told I would call the police if he did. The house is in my name, I bought it before we were married so my lawyer tells me this is within my rights.) I told him I need to see 4 mos of sobriety before we can even go to marriage counseling. I still have hope. He’s staying with his parents, though – not sure how unintentionally enabling they will be. I guess only time will tell. It is so hard. I cry every time we talk and taking care Of our animals and house by myself is harder than i thought it would be, but im doing it!! You’ll know when your tome is right.
I’ve been with mine for just over 3 hellish years…..now it’s getting nasty. We split in December…..still living in the same house…..I can’t speak to him and not feel bitter.
Last year was a nightmare…..police, AVO, separation……reconciliation for 3 months when he realised he could no longer drink and stopped…….too good to be true. He started again in November….my dad was seriously ill and I took off to my brothers’ to be near the hospital. We were in a bit of contact and one night he rang me to tell me to take $1000 from his account, as I wasn’t working at the time…..I told him no……I was being stubborn….but I needed money so I took it from his account. Now he keeps saying I stole it. He forgets the fact that when he lost his licence DUI that I financially supported him for that 9 month period.
I asked him tonight when he is leaving…..he told me he’s looking into it. After a few nasty comments from both of us, he then told me that I was an “ugly woman”! I had to shut my mouth! The vitriole that would have come forth from my lips would have caused a meltdown!!! He tells me that I create drama…..my whole effing life is a drama because I can’t cope with the emotional neglect from someone who told me he loves me!!! I have asked him time and again why he involved me in his life when he knew he had the issues he has…..to me, it’s the ultimate in selfishness to lie to someone so you won’t be lonely. A drunk is never lonely….if he has a bottle……
Hi Karen, I hear you. Mine says “You knew this before we were married.” Well, uh, no I didn’t. I had never lived with an addict before, I had no idea what was happening. 7 years later – also after two DUIs, jail, paying his bills, etc. – , I finally realized everything will continue if I allow it to. This makes me feel kind of dumb for not realizing it earlier, but you all know how hard it is to really see it. Anyway, at least now I know what I’m coming home to – animals who are happy to see me instead of a drunk husband on the couch.
Wife of, I think what also gave me courage to kick him out is that he has a job and I know he could afford to be in a roommate situation. He chose to go to his parents, and the fact that they let him come means to me that he can fall a lot farther. I hope he doesn’t, because I still love him and am hoping time brings us back together. Until then, the waiting is hard right now.
Good luck to you. Sending strength your way.
Well, the job is a good thing. That gives you a break. There will be a point when you decide that a change has to be made. It does not mean divorce but that some time apart would be good. Maybe it will be the thing that gets him into recovery as it was for us. Now, our lives are different from the way that it was before. I am so grateful for that.
Hi Bamoo…..thanks for the reply. How the hell did you “know” before you got married? You can have some kind of understanding about things but until you live with someone, YOU DON’T KNOW!!!
I’m sick of seeing him around now…..the way he does everything drives me insane! I can’t wait until he’s out of the house and I don’t have to see him anymore. I find myself doing deliberately spiteful things to ruin his day and this is not who I want to be. I wanted to go and sleep with someone else so that I could pull away from him emotionally but I’ve realised that this is not who I am either…..I just want him gone. I know it’ll be a bit lonely but nothing could have prepared me for the loneliness that I’ve felt by being with him.
Now that he’s worked out that it’s over for me, he’s gone into complete alcoholic denial and the arrogance is disgusting! The once charming guy has turned into the a@@hole I know him to be. I’m not saying it’s a one way street, either…..I have my nasty times but I came into this r/ship thinking that I’d like to make it work with such a lovely man. I’ve tried and tried and after the AVO and police being involved last year, I found it very hard to reconcile but I did. It took me awhile to come around and now I just feel used. He only wanted me back so that he could stay in the house we’re in. Now he can F off!!! I don’t care where he ends up!!!!!
Hi all,
that’s the sad part isn’t it? The people it turns us into. Tonight he came over for dinner and, long story short, I ended up driving him “home” – to his parents, where he now lives. He slept the whole way there, then when I pull into the driveway and am ready to go, starts really talking to me, crying. My reaction was – did you really miss the bus or plan this to get me alone? And why didn’t we talk like this while you were just at my house for the past 2 hours? And then I hate myself. I’m always the one that has to say “this isn;t the time or place” or “I really can’t do this right now” and then I feel terrible, because he’s telling me he can’t get better, and I’m saying I truly believe he can, I can see that we can have a future, but he can’t see it. And then I am scared to death he’s going to hurt himself, and I’m so worried, and isn’t this why I kicked him out in the first place?!?!?! So, I feel like I was manipulated, but he cried and said he’s just trying to be honest for once. So then I feel worse! I’m still so sick myself, I can’t think properly. I don’t know how this happened. I love him so much, I told him if I could hug him and take on his pain, I truly would. I texted him and told him he’s stronger than he thinks and I love him. He has 14 days sober and I told him he should be celebrating that and every new minute he makes sober. I pray he believes it.
Bamoo, be strong. I think that showing your strength to him that you are no longer going to put up with his ways will give him a push. If it doesn’t then you know what you need to do. Either you can continue to move on your journey of being free of his ways or you can take him back into your home and accept his ways knowing what you will have to put up with. This time it is all in your hands. I am sure like all of us, it has been about him the entire time. But you can celebrate as well that you have taken control of your life. I am praying for you both.
One other thought pops into my head, frequently……”Is this all he thinks I’m worth? Is he REALLY content with knowing that this is the life he’s offering me and doesn’t want me to leave but won’t do something about the problem” I know the drinking’s not about me……but sometimes I manage to pull back and think about myself for a second. This is the thought that always gets to me……I know I’m worth a lot more.
Karen, I can really relate to your anger and to the fact that he left you alone. I feel exactly the same way, alone. I thought that when I married him that I would never thought that it would be this way. I felt that I would always have someone to talk to and someone I can depend on. He has literally left me by myself and he tends only to himself and to his drinking needs. This entire relationship has been about him and his needs. The only day that was made about me that I can remember is my baby shower, that was 3 years ago.
Bamoo, how could you have known. I figured mine was like the typical drinker like myself a drink here and there. I have never known an addict personally so I would have never imagined getting myself into this, not willingly. Now that I know Its is up to me to continue to move on and file the divorce papers.
Syd, it is great to know that someone can make a change. Congratulations and I wish you more and more happiness.
Life is so short. Tomorrow is not promised.
Praying for happiness for all…….
wishing you guys the courage and blessings , i “disappear ” from his life and got back mine, still love him and will think of the time spent together for the last 6yrs . still will wander how is he doing ? is he still drinking or sober? papers are not file yet, but it doesnt really matter at the moment….