The Fight

I don’t know too many details, but the Monday before last, I was at work and the ex sent me an IM. I hadn’t heard from him in awhile but sometimes no news is good news. He simply told me, ‘I didn’t want to bother you, but I got in a fight the other night.’ Well, all of the undoing and removing and distancing I’ve done over the last 18 months or so got completely erased and I felt a familiar but frightening wash of panic sweep over me.

It turns out that he walked a few blocks from the apartment to a bar where a lot of young people hang out. I am close to 40 so this is anyone younger than me 😉 Anyway, I didn’t want too many details, but he was likely blacked out and running his mouth and some “meathead” kicked his ass. My ex is not a big guy at all. He’s 5’9″ if he stands up straight and the most I’ve ever known him to weigh was 165 and there’s no way he weighs that much now. It wouldn’t have taken too much to beat him up in a drunken stupor. He told me that his eye was black and blue and completely closed up; he said he was worried about his legs; that his knees were pretty bad. I kept asking if he was OK or needed medical attention an he said no, that he was just sad and lonely and went out someplace he had no business being. Now, I understand there are consequences but there is a sliver of me that just feels so bad for him. I don’t want him to have to live sad and alone and get beat up (I mean, what is this? Who gets BEAT UP?) and it’s just all so pathetic. I also know though, that I cannot help or save him and I told him that repeatedly that morning. I expressed to him that I was sorry that it happened and that he puts himself through that misery. I also told him I am happy he was OK and hadn’t been killed. He apologized but I told him he had no need to apologize to me; that all I ever wanted for him was to see him be able to live happily and sober.

He also went on about how he cannot keep lying to himself that he can do this, so he is planning on going back to rehab. He said he shouldn’t have left in the first place, but again I say if I got scabies somewhere and also lived with bedbugs, no amount of coaxing could have made me stay, but that’s just me. He said he was meeting with them again that Wednesday for an assessment and he went. I think the wheels are again in motion for him to go back in there. Maybe third time’s a charm.

That would leave me with a messy apartment, lots of furniture I don’t have room for, his personal belongings that I don’t want to throw away nor be responsible for and of course – and this is the one thing that will bring me to tears – my two cats that are left. I am going to have to try to figure out a way to have one of them and have asked a couple friends to be on the lookout for a home for the other. It all just seems so final and that is what I want, but my whole life I have turned away from conflict or things that make me uncomfortable and this situation sits at the peak of my mountain of situations that make me feel anxious, uncomfortable and fearful. I lost sleep about it and when I finally opened up to my boyfriend about it he said he would help me move furniture, clean, whatever I need. I know he will, too; it’s not just lip service. But it’s going to be a lot and it’s going to open wounds I’m sure, and it will be time consuming to the point that I will likely have to take time off of work that I don’t want to.

I suppose it’s all a part of a work in progress which is me getting my life back and him attempting to stay alive. It is me in the process of moving on after having stuck myself in pretty deep for almost sixteen years. I have a lot and I mean a LOT of work to do but at least I have not gone back like I had so many times in the past.

Hitting Too Close to Home

Merry Christmas, Constant Reader (I am a King fan).

In my job I speak with insurance agents and their staff support all day long. I spoke with a woman today named Cathy from Ohio who can use all of our prayers today. Her son Aaron is 33 and currently in ICU with liver failure and cirrhosis. He’s been a life-long alcoholic who has been working on cutting back; he even had switched a few years back from hard liquor to beer. He was aware of his disease and tried and tried again to get sober and swore to his mom that he didn’t want to live like this anymore. When he would visit the doctor he always asked them to check his liver numbers and they were always good. Out of the blue, two weeks ago he turned yellow and was told he has days to live.

Her story was hitting so close to home. My heart ached for her and I told her she could not have been put in contact with anyone that understood her situation more than myself. I am still losing sleep over my ex; worried that he is going to die in his sleep or something of the sort. I try not to but I cannot help it and some days are far worse than others. This young man Aaron is recently engaged and has hours to live. All for the disease of alcoholism. His mom was going to be contacting hospice so he could spend his last few hours of life at home.

I was crying on the phone with her. I managed to keep myself composed, but my voice cracked more than a few times speaking with her. Maybe I will never understand the allure of alcohol even though I lived and witnessed it for about half of my life. These people who are so loved by their families and friends choose bottles over life. No amount of wishful thinking will help them once they get to this point; sadly for Aaron it is a matter of time.

My ex had been doing well the last month or so. Was recognized at his job for excellent quality and told me he was starting to be able to think clearly again. I think he’s drinking now though. My hopes for him will likely never come true. And naturally I feel like my talk with Cathy today was an omen for his near future. It’s so sad; it’s so heartbreaking but I am thankful I do not witness it on a daily basis.

My hopes for you all are that you have a Merry Christmas. Hopefully some of the pain of your alcoholic subsides by being able to share the holiday with loved ones. Sadly for some of you the holidays make it worse. Just please say a prayer for Aaron and his mother Cathy…Aaron will hopefully be at peace soon from this horrible, debilitating disease.

Snoopy

I had a really tough day at work. We had a lot of people missing from our team so there was a lot of slack to pick up.

After work my boyfriend was getting a haircut, then we were going to dinner. Well, on our way there the ex sent me an IM. He said, Snoopy died.

Snoopy was one of my cats. He was the nicest cat I’ve ever met in my life. He loved everyone and always treated people like they were his favorite person in the world. He actually loved to go in the car, too. I’ve just never met a nicer cat. And now he’s gone.

I didn’t know what to do at first. The ex was apologetic, but that soon turned into anger and lashing out at me. I was going to see if my mom could pick the cat up. She lives in a rural area with a lot of land and we buried our other cat there. Well, my mom’s husband took her out to dinner. I told him maybe in the morning I’d come get him and take him out there. He was still angry, so I went tonight.

I drove about 40 minutes to my old apartment and he brought him downstairs in a blanket. I’d brought a box with me and we placed him in it then into the back of my car. My ex then asked if I could take him to get cigarettes, so I agreed.

He wasn’t sick but he did get upper respiratory infections quite a bit. The vet would prescribe antibiotics; it would go away for awhile then come back. Maybe he had pneumonia. I don’t know. He said he didn’t act sick. He just called him for breakfast today and he never came. My ex cried a lot and said he packed a can of Fancy Feast in the blanket with him. He said, these cats are my only companions. I felt sorry and sadness for him.

I drove Snoopy to my mom’s, visited there about a half hour then left. I cried the entire 45 minutes or so home. I feel so heartbroken. I didn’t get to say goodbye. That cat owned a part of my heart.

It’s getting harder and harder to go back to my old place. I actually avoid it at all costs. It makes me feel anxious. I still feel sorry for the ex, though. He is lonely and sad. And, he’d be lonely and sad if I’d never left, but then I would also be lonely and sad still, too.

I have to go to a wedding in the morning and I don’t much feel like celebrating.

The Ex

He is “working” now. Something he’s able to do online. According to him it’s difficult work and he’s usually quite talented when it comes to computer related things but I think since it’s work from home, they’re even harder on the employees with the critique of the work. Anyway, it’s not quite full time and he only gets paid once per month. He is able to get a small amount in food assistance and supplements it by other web work here and there. We don’t talk very often. Occasionally he’ll ask for a few bucks for cigarettes but compared to what it used to be, it’s almost never.

Today I was at work and he IM’d me just simply saying he was very sorry. My heart sank. I thought something happened. He told me nothing had happened; he was just sorry for being awful to me. I told him again that I don’t hold any ill feelings towards him and that he doesn’t need to be sorry. He then told me, I can’t move on. I don’t want to. I can’t.

I started to feel a little sad…it’s bittersweet, the apologies. I don’t necessarily want them now, but I used to. And it’s that acknowledgement that he wronged me. Even though I don’t care. Something about the apologies and knowing how sad and lonely he is still gets to me. Underneath the monster there’s a funny, caring, sensitive guy who probably just wants to be loved like everyone else. He’s just built so much hatred up around himself that I don’t think there’s any hope for him. He eventually told me that he never wanted to become the sick drunk who lost his wife and friends. He told me that he misses my companionship and that I was a piece of him for a long time. He said, I told everyone to leave me the fuck alone and I got what I wanted.

I tried to talk calmly to him, telling him he deserved to be happy and that he has got to stop drinking. I told him he has life left and he deserves to live happily and that I would never turn my back on him as his friend.

Every once in awhile I get contact from him very similar to this. He’s always drinking when he does. It makes me feel sad for him because I really don’t think he’s ever going to stop or live life or be happy. I hope and wish those things for him, but it’s unlikely. He told me he can’t stop drinking…that all he does is regret and cry.

It’s sad, but I told him I can’t go back. Not only that, but I don’t want to.

So, as you can see, not much has changed with him. And if I hadn’t woken up, I’d still be there, smelling the smoke and praying for a way out and hiding my money and crying. I am so thankful for where I am right this moment, and what I have. I wish he could find that too but thankfully it’s not my problem anymore.

Me, 2013

I am not divorced, but I have not been “home” in about a year now. With every passing day, the horrors fade and I speak with the husband less and less. My heart aches over my cats; 3 of them are with him. I was able to give one back to the original owner and my oldest cat, Princess Boo had to be put down in April. It was so sad but I think she’d developed cancer. It was hard on him, too.

Sometimes, I find myself forgetting how bad it was. Sometimes, I forget how I used to hide money and my wallet or would try to slink into the apartment, undetected. I forget the begging for money and cigarettes and the sadness, emptiness, despair.

I am still working for the insurance company and am thriving and loving it. It’s a difficult job but has the potential to make great money over the years with the succession of promotions available to me. I bought a New Car in March. It wasn’t easy with my poor, poor credit, but the car is all mine and brand new and I love it. It’s not flashy, but it’s exactly what I wanted and I’m not afraid to drive anywhere in it! I also have some great news to share… I met a man who is the nicest man I’ve ever met in my life.

It’s not ideal since I am not divorced yet, but I will be, and this man knows everything about what I’ve come from. His divorce from his 21 year marriage was finalized in May. My family knows about him, have met him and love him. He is intelligent, kind, funny, sweet, sensitive, attentive, affectionate, level-headed, we have much in common, he’s liberal, open-minded, and I could go on. Most importantly, he is truly my best friend.

He was in a loveless marriage and even though she was not an alcoholic, there are similarities. He has two adult children whom I adore and I gotta tell you, I’ve never felt so fulfilled in all of my life.

It’s been awhile that we’ve been together. The honeymoon phase would be over by now. He’s the real-deal. He’s been hurt quite a bit, financially by his divorce, but it won’t last forever and he doesn’t rely on me for anything. Not cigarettes, not food, not anything except companionship and happiness. We get along great and I am so fortunate that we met.

I want to update you more on what the ex is up to, and I will. I just wanted to tell you I am here, I am strong and I am living life for once; not looking for the relief of death or the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m here. I made it. And not just because of this man. I’m proud that I had the sense to walk away, but even more that I haven’t gone back.

I used to listen to a song lyric and I would sometimes cry when I would hear it because I knew it was true but that it wasn’t me. I didn’t know when it would be, if ever. I heard the lyric recently and it made my heart swell with emotion because I finally am on the other side of it, living it.

“Living in happiness, is knowing that you’ve been blessed.”

And blessed I have been.

Please Take a Moment for a Great Cause

Hello all,

I was recently contacted by a student at Clark University in Worcester, MA.  He told me that he is working on his dissertation which focuses on the spouse’s role in a person’s decision to seek help for alcohol use issues.  The study is designed for married couples for whom alcohol use is an area of disagreement in their marriage, and is intended for people at all levels of alcohol intake.

We can all relate to this, am I right?

I’d like to ask all of you to take a moment to check out the questionnaire.  It has been fully approved by the University and all responses are anonymous and can be completed entirely online.  There is even a drawing for a gift card as a Thank You for responding: 

Participate in a survey on couples and alcohol use and enter to win a raffle! 

Are you and your spouse legally married and at least 18 years of age?  Do you or your partner currently consume alcoholic beverages at least once a month?Is alcohol use an area of disagreement in your marriage?  

If you answered yes to the above questions, you and your spouse are eligible to participate in a research survey regarding the relationship between your marriage and your alcohol-related help seeking behaviors.  When you both complete the survey, you will each be entered into a raffle for one of four $50 Amazon.com gift cards!  The survey will take each participant approximately 20 minutes, and survey responses will be anonymous. https://surveys.clarku.edu/AlcoholUseSurveyStart.aspx

I urge you all to help this gentleman out.  Maybe one day this dissertation and the results will help someone suffering in this cycle of abuse and living amongst it. 

I promise a personal update soon; I also promise there is LOTS for me to update.  Hope all is well for you.

2012 in Review

Although my blog is primarily just about me bitching about a situation I could have prevented or gotten out of years ago, it is fun and humbling for me to see the stats in review like this. Thank you.

 

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 11,000 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 18 years to get that many views.

Click here to see the complete report.

Guilt

I have no idea why I feel the way I do right now, but I feel sorry for him and am feeling guilty that he’s down. It makes no sense.

I had plans immediately after work to go pick up my new pair of glasses then to go to dinner with a friend. The doctor’s office closed at 7 and I don’t get off work till 6. The office that I work in has staggered shifts to accommodate customers calling from different time zones. By 5:30, my office is a ghost town. My phone rang at about 5:45 and it was my husband. He still sounded semi drunk (he’d called me last night, obliterated, not making any sense and had mentioned he bought whiskey) but not nearly as out of it as last night. He said he was losing his mind because he has to take care of the cats and that he needed help. This means more money to drink. I told him I wasn’t stopping home, nor was I going to help him. We went back and forth a few minutes and he eventually hung up on me.

When I got off work he called repeatedly but I refused to answer. I went and got my glasses, met my friend for dinner and headed home. I dozed off early and woke about two hours ago to some texts from him:

“I can’t make it by myself.

I cried out last Friday. Sobbing and yelling.

I’m sorry (my name), I’ve never had this much pain. I miss you. I’m not talking about stuff, I just miss you.

I’m sorry I get so hysterical. It’s love, (my name).

Detachment”

So could someone please tell me why I start to feel bad for this man? I know the answer and it’s more of a rhetorical question, but I can’t help it. It pulls at my heart strings, just a little.

Again, I do not want to go back to him or our situation. Just sharing what’s going on and my thoughts about it.

This weekend is going to suck. I am giving one of my cats away tomorrow night. God, give me strength.

Crying

I can’t sleep. My mind is running and it sucks because I have an eye appointment in the morning I need to get up early for. My flu is almost completely gone, too.

I knew him being civil to me wouldn’t last. He sent me a message that our furnace wasn’t working again. We’d had some trouble with it last year and the landlord (my grandfather) had it fixed. Well it’s acting up again and apparently I can do something about it. He was saying how unbearable it was there. I asked if he wanted me to call my grandpa. He went off about he’d have to clean and blah blah blah blah. Then said, I want you to start taking your stuff out of here. To which I promptly replied OK. Then he said he wished he’d known I was never coming back when I first left. I don’t know what difference that would make, but then he said, “I’m sorry I was never there for you”. I didn’t know how to react. It caught me off guard. I just told him I didn’t have any ill feelings towards him and that he didn’t have to apologize. Then he said:

“i have to. it hurts tonight. i had somebody that adored me. i had so many chances. and i just fucked up. i thought i would be dead by now, and that’s how i lived my life. it was horrible of me to put you through that.”

Well naturally, I cried. Not a ton, but I cried. I don’t know why, either. Acknowledgement? Sadness that it’s truly over? Happiness? I just don’t know. Maybe because I still, after everything, feel bad for him. He’s not a monster, but he has one living inside of him.

There were countless nights I cried myself to sleep. Countless times I reached out for affection and got a cold shoulder instead. Tried to hug him and he just stood there, arms at his side, motionless. I used to beg and cry and attempt to reason with him not to drink. I used to hide and tiptoe and avoid him. I used to cover and lie for him. I was always on his side, supporting him, hoping one day I could look back and think, Thank God that’s over with! But that day never came and it never would have and I’d still be there, smelling the smoke and asking him to please eat something and worried sick he wouldn’t come to Thanksgiving with me. I don’t miss it, I want no part of it and I’m happy to be gone.

But why am I sad? Why am I crying?

The Flu

I’m totally sick with the flu. Or some other equally evil virus. Started two days ago with swollen glands in my throat…felt like I couldn’t swallow. Then I got achy, then yesterday afternoon the chills and fever started. Today the body aches and chills are thankfully gone but my neck feels horribly sore, along with my glands and it’s radiating up into my head. I hope it’s gone soon.

I’ve had a rough time with the husband lately. He’s nice one day, drunk the next and mad like a hornet the day after that. I haven’t seen him going on close to two weeks I think. One weekend I couldn’t go anywhere because I had car issues and he was not pleased or sympathetic. He was mad because the cats needed food. My mom graciously dropped some off for me. Then last weekend he wanted cigarettes, quarters for laundry and sweetener. I told him Saturday that I’d come Sunday to take him to the store but Sunday morning he called me, angry saying he hated me for leaving him with the cats. I asked him if he wanted to go to the store with me or just to drop the groceries off and he hung up on me. I tried calling back and texting and got no response. I didn’t make the trip. Somehow he managed to get drunk and by Tuesday was telling me to come give him a couple bucks for drinks. I told him there was no way.

Rewind to late Monday around 11:45 at night… I got a drunken voicemail from him stating that if he steps in another pile of cat puke he’s going to stick a pin or pen (I couldn’t understand him) into my face, voodoo style.

So I told him his drunken voicemail had set the tone of my day and that I never leave him horrible messages like that. I said of all the things you’ve done to me I never talk to you or treat you with anything less than kindness and respect and I’ve NEVER gotten the same in return. As I could have predicted he called about a dozen or so times after we’d hung up but I didn’t answer. I didn’t acknowledge him until he sent me an email yesterday with a photo of two of my cats. So I IM’d him and told him I wasn’t feeling well and he’s been quite civil to me since. Last night he told me it’s been a bad week for everyone but I hope you feel better. Today he told me again since I hadn’t responded and I thanked him and told him I was basically in bed by 7 last night.

I don’t regret my decision and don’t think I should go home but these moments of normality with him make my heart feel very sad.