Hate

I don’t know if hate is really the word I am looking for, but it’s damn close if it isn’t.

Let’s see here…he literally drank every day this week except Thursday. I think he didn’t drink Thursday because I was off. He’s drinking more than normal lately. A 6-pack of tall boys in the morning and a twelve in the afternoon when I get home. So that’s like $25 per day minimum.

Today I worked, had a decent day on the job and when I get off work, I usually call him. Well, no surprise to me, he was drunk. I was instructed to come home and help him out. I obeyed but in the meantime I made plans with a friend.  When I picked him up to go to the store he had that evil, maenacing tone in his voice that scared me. I went out and came home a little while ago to nothing but smoke and loud music that I could hear out in the hallway. He was fucking living it up in here on my dime. I was yelled at because he saw a young mother with 2 little kids this week and both kids were wearing Air Jordans. This somehow symbolizes all of the problems in his universe. Then I was interrogated as to why I hadn’t ordered him a new computer yet.  (We had discussed ordering it for his job but he’s been drinking so much it scared me to make that commitment.) While he yammered on all I could think to myself was how much I hated him and that I wish his heart would seize up or something during the night.

Yeah I really really hate him. Why haven’t I started the divorce process? I don’t know, but I haven’t lost sight of it yet.

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Pathetic

Him or me? You be the judge.

No, I still have not filed for divorce. I also am not trying to make him my best friend, either. I’ve been working my job…loving it…then I come home to his shit. Actually, he was in one of the most foul moods he’s capable of and when I hear that acute anger in his voice, it scares me. I’m not sure why, but it does. I’m certain, though that he thinks I’m having an affair.  Just the comments I hear from him and not to mention all that anger. So let me be the first to tell you that unfortunately I’m not, but I sure wish I were. At least it’d keep me entertained! I still feel very strongly that I AM going to make a change this year. I really, really just want him out.

So naturally he’s still drinking because as he tells me, it’s all he thinks about. We’ll I sure wish he’d go think about it at a park bench or homeless shelter. He’s being just really foul with me and I hate him for it.

News flash…my mom told me my grandparents don’t like him. That actually surprises me because my grandparents like everyone.  My mom told me that my Grandpa commented on how worthless he is and that he doesn’t contribute to anything. How true.

So I need the encouragement,  guts,  prayers and good vibes that I’ll actually be out of this all very, very soon.

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Alcoholism

So I’m just sitting here thinking about my current stresses and everything that’s wrong in my life. It occurred to me that alcoholism is what’s wrong and why the fuck do I continue to allow it to be in my life at all. I mean, this show is on about crack heads and there’s a doctor talking about addiction and I know everything she’s gonna say before it comes out of her mouth. I don’t even want to know any of it! I don’t have room in my life for even a little bit of addiction.  I’m not an addict, I didn’t have addiction in my life over fifteen years ago…why would I even allow it any real estate in my mind and life??

Maybe I’m rambling but I’m so sick of my life being about addiction instead of happiness and life. I want to experience a day that is free of the effects of addiction. I wish I would’ve savored it before…him.

So I feel positive in myself that I am capable of changing this. I pray it lasts and I can actually do something about these feelings.  I used to think, who cares? Life’s over…ya blew it. But I’m not feeling that right now.  I’m feeling like I wanna put some change into motion. I’m feeling like I want my life back.

How’s that saying go? These times they are a changing…

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2012

I’m feeling so down today. He drank last night and all day today. I don’t even think it’s that that’s bringing me down. It’s just everything. I’m so sick and tired of feeling like I’m in a roommate situation rather than a relationship. 

I love my job though. I go in tomorrow morning and I’m actually looking forward to it. It’s been a looong time since I’ve felt that way. I got along well with everyone in my training class but I haven’t met anyone that I’d consider real “friend” material but that’s ok. Sometimes that’s better. Unfortunately I found myself having a slight and I mean slight crush on someone there. I feel so stupid even admitting that but it’s true. I’m not sure if the feeling is reciprocated but that’s probably better that way, too.

He’s been “working” but I use that term loosely. He’s only worked like ten hours tops per week if that. Now he also drinks over half his check away so it’s not helping me much. He just continues to make things hard for me. Every. Single. Day.

I looked online at the Legal Zoom website.  I can file for dissolution in my state and Legal Zoom only charges $299 for the paperwork. I’m really thinking about ordering…if I could ever get a hold of three hundred bucks!

Anyway, I’m doing well, except for him. Let’s hope 2012 holds better things for all of us.

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