The Fight

I don’t know too many details, but the Monday before last, I was at work and the ex sent me an IM. I hadn’t heard from him in awhile but sometimes no news is good news. He simply told me, ‘I didn’t want to bother you, but I got in a fight the other night.’ Well, all of the undoing and removing and distancing I’ve done over the last 18 months or so got completely erased and I felt a familiar but frightening wash of panic sweep over me.

It turns out that he walked a few blocks from the apartment to a bar where a lot of young people hang out. I am close to 40 so this is anyone younger than me 😉 Anyway, I didn’t want too many details, but he was likely blacked out and running his mouth and some “meathead” kicked his ass. My ex is not a big guy at all. He’s 5’9″ if he stands up straight and the most I’ve ever known him to weigh was 165 and there’s no way he weighs that much now. It wouldn’t have taken too much to beat him up in a drunken stupor. He told me that his eye was black and blue and completely closed up; he said he was worried about his legs; that his knees were pretty bad. I kept asking if he was OK or needed medical attention an he said no, that he was just sad and lonely and went out someplace he had no business being. Now, I understand there are consequences but there is a sliver of me that just feels so bad for him. I don’t want him to have to live sad and alone and get beat up (I mean, what is this? Who gets BEAT UP?) and it’s just all so pathetic. I also know though, that I cannot help or save him and I told him that repeatedly that morning. I expressed to him that I was sorry that it happened and that he puts himself through that misery. I also told him I am happy he was OK and hadn’t been killed. He apologized but I told him he had no need to apologize to me; that all I ever wanted for him was to see him be able to live happily and sober.

He also went on about how he cannot keep lying to himself that he can do this, so he is planning on going back to rehab. He said he shouldn’t have left in the first place, but again I say if I got scabies somewhere and also lived with bedbugs, no amount of coaxing could have made me stay, but that’s just me. He said he was meeting with them again that Wednesday for an assessment and he went. I think the wheels are again in motion for him to go back in there. Maybe third time’s a charm.

That would leave me with a messy apartment, lots of furniture I don’t have room for, his personal belongings that I don’t want to throw away nor be responsible for and of course – and this is the one thing that will bring me to tears – my two cats that are left. I am going to have to try to figure out a way to have one of them and have asked a couple friends to be on the lookout for a home for the other. It all just seems so final and that is what I want, but my whole life I have turned away from conflict or things that make me uncomfortable and this situation sits at the peak of my mountain of situations that make me feel anxious, uncomfortable and fearful. I lost sleep about it and when I finally opened up to my boyfriend about it he said he would help me move furniture, clean, whatever I need. I know he will, too; it’s not just lip service. But it’s going to be a lot and it’s going to open wounds I’m sure, and it will be time consuming to the point that I will likely have to take time off of work that I don’t want to.

I suppose it’s all a part of a work in progress which is me getting my life back and him attempting to stay alive. It is me in the process of moving on after having stuck myself in pretty deep for almost sixteen years. I have a lot and I mean a LOT of work to do but at least I have not gone back like I had so many times in the past.

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I’m Still Here

Things are the same; maybe worse.  He is drinking at lest once a week now.  When he drinks, he will drink anywhere from 24 to 72 hours at a time.  This is while juggling college courses and taking certification tests.  He even excels at school.  He will be graduating in September and I was stupid enough to pay his reinstatement fee to the state so that he can take his driver’s test and possibly be able to get a job and drive to and from.  I talked it over with him and told him I wouldn’t pay it unless he started making efforts to go to meetings and not drink.  I sit here in tears now because the money has been spent on the fee, but he’s drank about 4 or 5 times since I’ve paid it.  There is no hope for him or for us.  When will I get the courage to go talk to an attorney?

Otherwise, I am plugging along.  I have my job and of course the strength of a few close friends and family.  They all think I’m an idiot for staying, but God bless them – they don’t tell me that to my face.

He has class tomorrow and he just went out for another 40oz; his third of the day (that I am aware of).  He also had a 6-pack of “tall boys” this afternoon.  Friday he takes another test that we (read: I) paid $75 for and I’m sure the money is non-refundable if the test taker is too drunk to show up.

What a mess.

PS.  I know that you will ask me about Al Anon again, and I think I am going to start going again with a friend whose brother is a recovering alcoholic/heroin addict.  I will definitely let you know how that goes.

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Two Steps Forward, Ten Steps Back

Well, my fears were realized when I got home from work this afternoon.  He didn’t answer the phone.  He didn’t get the mail.  The door was unlocked.  The house smelled of smoke and staleness.  This time, however, my husband is missing.

I told you it wouldn’t last forever and that I knew the bottom would fall out from under me at any moment!  Of course, it would have been nice if it hadn’t happened when I feel like everything else in my life is falling apart.  I feel like crying, but I know it won’t help me at all.  I feel so alone and so scared of what’s to come in the next few hours.  Will he come home yelling and crazy?  Or will he be somber and pass out?  I have no idea.  It’s a crap shoot.

He has $20.  He was supposed to meet his sponsor.  I don’t think his sponsor is a 40oz of Colt 45 and a pack of Pall Mall’s.  I also found that in the corner of my living room.

I am trying not to worry about his well being, however, it keeps creeping into my mind.  How can I relax?  I am going to kick back and watch some stuff on my Tivo and I think my friend is coming over later.

Why now?  Why ever?  Ugh.  I feel so hopeless.  Then I feel rage that he would have the gall to take $20 from me when every dollar is so precious.

Fuck him.

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Just Ignore ‘Em

That’s what I do when my husband is being a prick.  It seemed to work.  He was actually (GASP!) speaking to me this morning.

I don’t know what his problem has been.  He has just been in foul moods.  The ones where I know something is bothering him, but if I ask, he snaps back that it’s nothing.  Yesterday, I started getting pissed off about it.  I was going to the grocery store on my way home from work…I had gotten off early because I had my 40 hours in for the week.  Anyway, first he said he wanted to go with me.  Then he said he didn’t.  Then he called me back and said he did.  So he mopingly went to the store with me and every time I asked him if he wanted anything else, he would pout and say no.  We went home and I cleaned up the kitchen and decided I was going to make a dish I really like, and he happens to hate.  I told him he could have a frozen pizza.  I don’t think he liked that, but oh well.

Then I talked to my friend and told her to come over, because she loves this dish!  So, I went to the living room to tell him she was coming over and he rolled his eyes.  I just ignored him.  Later on after she left, he was huffing and puffing about something…probably because I was playing a computer game.  Anyway, I ignored him.  When I was finished, I asked him why he didn’t eat his pizza and he whined, “I wasn’t hungry.  I had crackers”, like, oh, poor, poor me.  I ignored him, washed my face and went to bed.  I played solitaire on my phone for a little bit (that game has the amazing ability to get me extremely sleepy in a matter of 3 or 4 hands…) and he came in and sat down on the bed.  I never looked at him or spoke to him.  He sat and sat until he finally said he was going to do laundry.  I said, OK and then he said, goodnight.

I don’t usually ignore his moods.  I usually walk on eggshells and don’t do the things I know he doesn’t want me to, like play my games.  I usually try hard to bring him out of his mood.  Last night, I knew the effort was futile and I ignored him.  It felt good.  It even felt funny to me.

So this morning he was talking.  He wasn’t super positive, but he was talking.  It’s amazing what a little boundaries will do for you!

P.S.  I know that mopingly isn’t a word.  But it describes my husband, so I went with it.

P.S.S.  Believe me, if my employer would pay me overtime, I would stay for the extra hours, but they won’t, so I don’t.

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My Weekend

It went OK.  He was not drinking when I got home Friday, but that didn’t last long.  He again started with the “I feel sick” and “I need to stop the shaking”.  So, he drank a 40oz and I played a computer game and watched TV.  We got take-out Chinese to eat – he did eat, thankfully.  He usually never eats while he’s drinking.

Saturday I worked a half-day at my new job because I was going to have to work there again on Sunday.  Afterwards, I went home and one of my brothers stopped over as I was helping him with a project he is doing to get into the architecture program at his college.  Later on, my friend came over and we watched TV and ate dinner.  My husband didn’t bother us; he stayed in the bedroom most of the evening and when I went in to go to bed, he was on my side, snoring loudly, so I went out and slept in the living room.

He was very quiet and somber most of the day Sunday.  I had to work from 3 to 6 and it was the hardest 3 hours I’ve ever worked.  I had customer after customer and I never had time to think.  Anyway, when I got off I grabbed a pizza because I couldn’t even think about cooking, and he was still really down.  This morning he told me that my friend said something on Saturday that bothered him.  She was talking to another friend about bad relationships and she said, “Oh, I should introduce you to my friend…she has some stories for you!” and of course my husband knew she was talking about me, about him.  Maybe she was, but she wouldn’t have said anything in front of my husband about him, which is what I tried telling him, but I think the damage was done.

I don’t care, in a way, but it’s just irritating to see him mope around. He said his stomach hurts again and he isn’t sleeping.  There is also no doubt in my mind he’ll be drinking within two weeks.

In the meantime, I am having a hard time with job #1.  It’s just a very frustrating situation.  I hope my new job will eventually become full time so I can leave it.

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Can You Believe This?

I left work early yesterday so I could take my husband to his test.  When I got home, I was less than pleased with him from the night before, and I let it show.  It was about a 30 – 40 minute drive to the testing facility and I could definitely smell that horrible drunk smell on him the entire time in the car.  I dropped him off and it took him just under an hour to complete the test…and he passed.

Same thing on the drive home.  That stale smell filled the car.  When we got home, he wanted to talk to me and told me he couldn’t take it any more…he needed a drink.  He said that he’d had a hard time taking the test because he felt sick and was shaking.  I was so fed up with him I gave him a couple dollars to go get it and went to bed.  He disgusts me and I reminded him of that, as well as the fact that I want a divorce.

This morning, he asked me for cigarettes.  I almost didn’t buy them because I am sick of it, but decided I should so that no more of my DVDs disappear.  I again reminded him how much I would like a divorce.

I have not heard from him since I’ve been at work.  I am having more bad sinus issues and must have slept wrong because I have a bad knot in my neck and it’s making it very uncomfortable to sit here – and I still have about five hours to go.

I am so irritated with him.  I can’t believe he showed up to a test DRUNK and still managed to pass.  It just goes to show you what would be possible if he decided to actually DO something with his life.  Am I serious about the divorce stuff?  Yes.  And no.  The thought of going through with that stuff…and the ugliness that will come of it stops me dead in my tracks.

I have to work Saturday AND Sunday this weekend at the new job.  I will be ever so cranky from it.  Keep me in your thoughts and I hope everyone has a better weekend than I probably will.

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Yep

My instincts were finally right.  When I left work I called him a couple of times and got no answer…this was only about 20 minutes after I had talked to him at work.  I was going to see my brother’s new house and called one last time before I got there and he answered in his semi-drunken slurred speak.  I asked him if he was drinking and he denied it, then he started saying things that were pretty dumb and that I didn’t find amusing.  He said, “Oh, you’re mad at me.” and I just told him I didn’t think he was being honest with me, which was making me mad.  We hung up and I stayed at my brothers for a couple of hours and started to head home.

I tried calling him a couple of times and got no answer.  That’s when I start thinking about the mess I will have when I get home.  Literally and figuratively.  It’s not about him drinking…it’s me trying to protect every penny I have but him yelling and screaming until I give in to him.  It’s the smoke and the piling up of cans and bottles and the smell of him.  Anyway, as I was driving I realized I was very close to my friend’s house and swung by there.  We sat and talked, went and had dinner and then back to her place to talk some more.  He finally called me around 8:30 and asked me to come home and “help him out” and I promptly hung up.  I was starting to get tired a little after 9 and headed home.

Thankfully, when I got in, he was passed out in the bedroom.  I tried to be somewhat quiet and got ready for bed.  I was going to play a game on the computer but I was getting error messages and had to restart it.  That’s when I heard the >click< of the bedroom door and braced myself.  He came into the living room and sat down.  This is how he starts his asking-for-money-routine.  I ignored him for a little while then finally asked him what the F he was going to do about his test the next day; that’s when I also discovered that he had a midterm exam at school as well and was probably going to miss that, too.  He was adamant that he would be OK to go to the certification test; however, he just needed a beer to calm down.  Once he started cussing, I handed over $2.  From there it only escalates and I really just wanted to go to bed.

This morning I woke up and opened my bedroom door to a cloud of smoke.  I was instantly pissed off…he was again passed out on the couch without a care in the world.  I saw the remnants of his party last night; a 40 and 22oz can.  I continued to get ready (despite a pounding sinus headache) and he never stirred once before I left.  As of right now, I haven’t heard from him and I have no idea what is going to happen with this test tonight.

$175 dollars for a test may as well be $175,000.  It’s not easy for me to come up with this kind of money.  I am so angry with this whole situation…I just want to give up.

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Mid Week

And thankfully I still have no drama to report.  I had a nice three-day weekend and didn’t have too much to do.  Saturday, he woke up in a foul mood and I tried to ignore it as best as I could, and then it finally faded away in the evening.  He’s been talking to his sponsor still and going to a few meetings a week.  It’s actually been nice.

I think I came to a decision about my jobs, too.  I don’t think I am going to the interview for the job that would be really (really) fun.  I decided I’ll stick with the job that’s closest to home as my second job.  I feel good about the decision, too.  Maybe when my husband finds employment after he graduates, I could try to work for the other company again…hopefully I will be able to lean on my husband a little and not have to work so much.

So that’s it…there’s not a whole lot going on in my neck of the woods.  The farther away I get from the chaos, the more relaxed about it I feel.  I know that he could drink any time, but I am trying to be more trusting and enjoy the time I have right now, drink free.

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It Wasn’t a Bad Weekend

I was really starting to worry about my husband on Friday while I was still at work.  I thought for sure he’d gone out drinking.  Thankfully, when I got off, I called him and he answered the phone and I could tell that he was fine.  We had dinner and watched TV.

Saturday I was pretty lazy and didn’t do anything till late afternoon.  Went to the grocery, a friend of mine came over and we watched shows about Michael Jackson (including a Larry King Live where he talked to Liza Minnelli from Paris…and I was imitating her all night, which cracked my friend up!).  Sunday, we didn’t do anything.  It was awesome!  I love weekends like that.

I was surprised on Sunday though, when my husband was talking about going to get cigarettes and said he didn’t want to walk to the nearest gas station because he is trying to avoid that whole area, which is where he used to buy all of his booze.  This was definitely something he has never said or done before, even during his long period of sobriety (for him) back in 2007.  He would still go in to that store for cigarettes or if I needed gas.  I guess that’s a great sign, but I am still feeling as though the bottom can fall out from under me at any time.

He is off of school this week; every few months they get a week off as a break and of course, there will be ample opportunity for him to get drunk.  Hopefully everything will be OK, but it’s only Monday…there’s a lot of week left for him to mess up…

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It’s Thursday

I know I posted about AlAnon in an earlier post; my experience when I went a few years back.  I understand that the message and the steps work.  However, the meetings were filled with lots of the same people – and I did go to meetings at different times, different days and at different venues.  I think the same woman “led” at half of the meetings I went to, and I know I went to more than six of them because we were told to “give it six”.  Several of the people who had a strong presence at the meetings told their story over and over and I honestly thought the whole thing was creepy!  From what I understood at the time, you weren’t supposed to go over and over your experiences, but that was what was going on.  Not too long after I had been going to AlAnon, I saw her at an AA function I was at with my husband.  I asked him who she was and he said she was big in AA, too.  So, I think it was just her personality but she really soured my AlAnon experience and I know she is still big in AA.  I don’t even know why I just spent time on even writing about it, but there it is.

I know that is not what AlAnon or AA is supposed to be about.  I have met enough people (and read enough blogs) to know that the meetings aren’t supposed to be taken over by one person.  I think if I went into a meeting and saw her, I would probably walk back out.

The good news is that my husband isn’t drinking today and is going to his home group tonight.  Today marks my first garnishment payment and I don’t even want to look at my paycheck but it won’t last forever and I suppose I’ll still be alive after it’s over (I think).

The last thing I want to say is that my dad stresses me out.  A lot.  Maybe I will write a post about him sometime soon.

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