Please Take a Moment for a Great Cause

Hello all,

I was recently contacted by a student at Clark University in Worcester, MA.  He told me that he is working on his dissertation which focuses on the spouse’s role in a person’s decision to seek help for alcohol use issues.  The study is designed for married couples for whom alcohol use is an area of disagreement in their marriage, and is intended for people at all levels of alcohol intake.

We can all relate to this, am I right?

I’d like to ask all of you to take a moment to check out the questionnaire.  It has been fully approved by the University and all responses are anonymous and can be completed entirely online.  There is even a drawing for a gift card as a Thank You for responding: 

Participate in a survey on couples and alcohol use and enter to win a raffle! 

Are you and your spouse legally married and at least 18 years of age?  Do you or your partner currently consume alcoholic beverages at least once a month?Is alcohol use an area of disagreement in your marriage?  

If you answered yes to the above questions, you and your spouse are eligible to participate in a research survey regarding the relationship between your marriage and your alcohol-related help seeking behaviors.  When you both complete the survey, you will each be entered into a raffle for one of four $50 Amazon.com gift cards!  The survey will take each participant approximately 20 minutes, and survey responses will be anonymous. https://surveys.clarku.edu/AlcoholUseSurveyStart.aspx

I urge you all to help this gentleman out.  Maybe one day this dissertation and the results will help someone suffering in this cycle of abuse and living amongst it. 

I promise a personal update soon; I also promise there is LOTS for me to update.  Hope all is well for you.

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Week One

Week one of his job went well. It seems that he actually likes the work and thinks he can handle it. During his training he works weekdays so he had yesterday and today off. I always have to work Saturdays and sometimes Sundays. So when I went to work yesterday I realized that I was missing a $10

bill

out of my wallet. I spoke to him during my break and he told me he had eaten soup and that he was fine, but it was more than obvious to me that he’d been drinking. So I knew what I was coming home to late last night. Whatever. I figured he’d be ok today per his usual ritual but he’s not. It looks like he stole a lot more money from me than I realized so he’s living it up in the living room. I’ve stayed in my bedroom all morning. My head hurts a lot today and smelling that sickening cigarette smoke only makes it worse. I went out and asked if he could please go outside to smoke but he went on a tirade about how no one is coming over and he’s not blowing smoke into a baby’s face and why would someone who’s been smoking for thirty years make a rule that he can’t smoke in his own house. He said he doesn’t care about babies but if its bothering me, that’s another story. So I said that it is bothering me a great deal today but he said that he just wants to smoke in his own fucking house.

So that’s my day. I’m sitting on my bed with a couple of my cats. I’m watching Halloween movies. I love this time of year and am so excited that AMC has been showing some great movies this month! My mom is visiting her granddaughter so she’s supposed to call me so we can go grocery shopping together later. I want and need to go, but damn my head hurts today.

How many more weeks can The Drunk keep this up? We shall see.
On another note, I had two friends that had to put pets down this week. Lucky the Lab and Kate the cat have crossed over to Rainbow Bridge. If you have a pet, or five like me

, be sure to give them a hug and a

kiss today. The time they share

with us is way too short.

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Meanwhile…

My life sucks. I think within the next couple months, maybe sooner, my job is going to disappear. The economy sucks, especially here in the rust belt, and therefore no one is spending any money and therefore I think my little dream job will be no more. It’s sucked for a long time though. Crappy hours, imbecile people in charge and I make less money than I did when I was twenty. So unemployment here I come. It wouldn’t be so bad if my drunk had a job.

Which brings me to tell you that he was hired by a really good company to do tech support via telephone and computer. The scary part is that his office will be located in our living room. This would be great for anyone else…no gas, no getting up to beat rush hour traffic, no asshole coworkers and on and on. But give an opportunity like this to a career drunk and the ways he can fuck up seem almost limitless. Oh, it would be a blessing from God if he could do it.

It pays well and given all of the

things

I said before, it would be great and even save wear and tear on the car, but…how long can it really last? Two weeks? A month? Probably less. It’s just never going to get any better while I’m with him.

Which reminds me about today. He had a Dr appointment early and he went ahead and paid them $50 without telling me. Then comes home and informs me the Dr really is insisting that he get bloodwork done so he wanted to go tomorrow which will be another $75 I hadn’t planned on spending. But the hardest part about all of it is that right now he’s sitting in his future office smoking like a chimney, drinking King Cobra and listening to the radio. He’s happy as a pig in shit but I lay here wondering what I’ll do in the near future to try and make ends meet. I have to think ahead about meals, gas and bills and let’s not forget his cigarettes which Christ knows he can’t go an hour without. It’s just not right. And tomorrow I’ll wake up and be so happy when he gets up at noon and tells me he’s sorry and wants to do better for us…

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Typical Friday Night

Today is my mom’s birthday so I decided to have a little cake for her with the family this evening. I worked this morning but had a short day and was excited to call home to tell my husband that everyone could make it but, he never answered the phone. When I got home from work he was drunk. It’s anyone’s guess as to where he got the money from. He was well on his way into Miller High Life oblivion so I left to pick up last minute items and the cake. I stayed out till about 11 and came home to him stirring on the couch. Awesome. I have a freelance gig to do early tomorrow and I wanted to make sure everything was ready to go and then get some sleep but of course, my sweetheart wakes up telling me he wants a ride to the store for cigarettes and beer. He tells me he got the money from his mommy; she is out of town this week and he’s supposed to care for her cat. She probably gave him gas money for the (MY) car for the week but he has the right to get drunk on that. He started getting loud telling me nothing is easy for him and just wanting a ride. I told him I wasn’t making it any easier for him to drink tonight and finally he slammed the door and left.

This is the third night this week that he drank. He stranded me at work another night, too. Two weeks ago I had a funeral to attend and he drank the night prior, then on my way out the door stood in front of me, not allowing me to pass unless I gave him money. I tried to leave, but he grabbed a strap of my handbag and squeezed my fingers until I finally found the strength to pull away, then left. As I went down the steps he slammed the door with all his might about 2 or three times. I didn’t get home till mid afternoon and my door was cracked pretty badly near the deadbolt which is now making the lock a little wonky to use. I have to press into the door when I’m locking or unlocking.

Why am I telling you this? Just so I can see what kind of an asshole I am and maybe some day I’ll be out of this living hell and look back on it and wonder what led me to a life like this in the first place.

Now he’s walking around the apartment singing and asking me to model a tshirt for him. Oh, now he’s modeling it. Happy weekend!

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I’m Still Here

Things are the same; maybe worse.  He is drinking at lest once a week now.  When he drinks, he will drink anywhere from 24 to 72 hours at a time.  This is while juggling college courses and taking certification tests.  He even excels at school.  He will be graduating in September and I was stupid enough to pay his reinstatement fee to the state so that he can take his driver’s test and possibly be able to get a job and drive to and from.  I talked it over with him and told him I wouldn’t pay it unless he started making efforts to go to meetings and not drink.  I sit here in tears now because the money has been spent on the fee, but he’s drank about 4 or 5 times since I’ve paid it.  There is no hope for him or for us.  When will I get the courage to go talk to an attorney?

Otherwise, I am plugging along.  I have my job and of course the strength of a few close friends and family.  They all think I’m an idiot for staying, but God bless them – they don’t tell me that to my face.

He has class tomorrow and he just went out for another 40oz; his third of the day (that I am aware of).  He also had a 6-pack of “tall boys” this afternoon.  Friday he takes another test that we (read: I) paid $75 for and I’m sure the money is non-refundable if the test taker is too drunk to show up.

What a mess.

PS.  I know that you will ask me about Al Anon again, and I think I am going to start going again with a friend whose brother is a recovering alcoholic/heroin addict.  I will definitely let you know how that goes.

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Easter Sunday

Today is Easter.  I always go to my grandparent’s house on holidays.  My husband always comes with me unless he is drunk.  He will not be coming with me today.

He has been drinking since Wednesday this time.  It was his week of Spring Break from school.  We had a nice day Monday (I was off) and Tuesday he helped his mom move and set up her computer.  She paid him and he gave me all but $10 or $20.  When I went to work Wednesday, he went out to get his drinks and the nearby gas station.  I came home from work not realizing what was going on until I saw his collection of 40oz bottles in the back of my living room.  My friend was coming over and we went out to pick something up to eat and came back.  It wasn’t until she left later that night and I was ready for bed that I realized he wasn’t at home.  Out who knows where.  I tried not to worry and actually prayed for peace of mind.  It kept snowballing until I was unable to sleep for more than 30 minutes or so at a time and my heart was racing wildly.  “What if he is dead and you never got to say goodbye to him?” was one theme.  There were others and even though I tried telling myself that while he is out drinking, I am the last thought on his mind, I still could not find peace to just not care and go to bed.  At 5:45am I thought about calling my dad or his mom.  I saw his friend online and IM’d him my concerns (he is another life-long addict).  He was concerned and was asking me phone numbers for the closest hospital and jail.  As I was looking them up, the Spring Break Party Animal came in the door.  I was relieved and furious.  I got myself to sleep for another hour until I had to get up and ready for work.

His drinking continued the rest of the week.  Sometimes I would give him a couple dollars so he wasn’t shaking and other times he magically came up with it on his own.  I found out later he’d taken Xanax and had spent the evening with a neighbor man (another life-long addict).

So I have been going about my business, going to work and spending time with a friend.  Went shopping for a birthday gift for my brother.  In the meantime my car has taken a turn for the worse; I think my transmission is going to fail any day now and I will have no means to get transportation because of my shitty credit.  I guess I can apply at a ‘Buy Here Pay Here’ place.  Once again, how did my life end up like this?

I really need to start considering filing for divorce.  His choice is to drink almost weekly now and drag me down with him.  I have to keep trying to swim upstream and get myself out of this mess I call my life.

In about three hours I will be lying to my family telling them he is at his mother’s for Easter…

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It’s Been Awhile

Hi all,

I am still plugging along out here!  Thankfully, I landed a full-time job (my job #2) only two hours after I left my office job.  I was so relieved and it’s been great so far.  I’m not rolling in the dough, but I am able to get by and keep my neck above water for now, so I am thankful.

The situation with the husband is sadly, the same.  As a matter of fact, he is passed out (or drinking) in my bedroom right now.  I did some Christmas shopping, wrapped gifts and ate Chinese tonight.

While out shopping, I ran into a great couple I met years ago when my husband was in an outpatient program at a local hospital.  They had a co-dependency group for the family members on Thursday evenings, and I would go weekly (even when the husband dropped out of the program and continued to drink) and I loved it.  This couple’s son was in the program; at the time he drank a little and smoked pot a lot.  He was about 19 and had minor trouble with the law, but I was so happy to hear he’s been doing well for about four years now.  They are so blessed to be out of the nightmare addiction brings to all of our lives.

It makes me wonder when I will have rest from it.  I pray, but I know that prayers aren’t answered every time.  I think about leaving – about sucking it up and trying to find a place of my own where he can’t find me and slowly move my stuff out until I can just disappear from him.  When is it going to be enough?  When will I have some peace?

It’s not been all horror since I’ve last posted, but he’s been drinking about once every two weeks, on average.  He’s also excelling in school and going to meetings.  Maybe he just wants to drink.  Who knows?   Not me.

So, I just wanted to check in and say “hi” to everyone.  Hopefully, we will all have a Merry Christmas, free of alcohol-related embarrassments!

How have you all been?

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Two Steps Forward, Ten Steps Back

Well, my fears were realized when I got home from work this afternoon.  He didn’t answer the phone.  He didn’t get the mail.  The door was unlocked.  The house smelled of smoke and staleness.  This time, however, my husband is missing.

I told you it wouldn’t last forever and that I knew the bottom would fall out from under me at any moment!  Of course, it would have been nice if it hadn’t happened when I feel like everything else in my life is falling apart.  I feel like crying, but I know it won’t help me at all.  I feel so alone and so scared of what’s to come in the next few hours.  Will he come home yelling and crazy?  Or will he be somber and pass out?  I have no idea.  It’s a crap shoot.

He has $20.  He was supposed to meet his sponsor.  I don’t think his sponsor is a 40oz of Colt 45 and a pack of Pall Mall’s.  I also found that in the corner of my living room.

I am trying not to worry about his well being, however, it keeps creeping into my mind.  How can I relax?  I am going to kick back and watch some stuff on my Tivo and I think my friend is coming over later.

Why now?  Why ever?  Ugh.  I feel so hopeless.  Then I feel rage that he would have the gall to take $20 from me when every dollar is so precious.

Fuck him.

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Just Ignore ‘Em

That’s what I do when my husband is being a prick.  It seemed to work.  He was actually (GASP!) speaking to me this morning.

I don’t know what his problem has been.  He has just been in foul moods.  The ones where I know something is bothering him, but if I ask, he snaps back that it’s nothing.  Yesterday, I started getting pissed off about it.  I was going to the grocery store on my way home from work…I had gotten off early because I had my 40 hours in for the week.  Anyway, first he said he wanted to go with me.  Then he said he didn’t.  Then he called me back and said he did.  So he mopingly went to the store with me and every time I asked him if he wanted anything else, he would pout and say no.  We went home and I cleaned up the kitchen and decided I was going to make a dish I really like, and he happens to hate.  I told him he could have a frozen pizza.  I don’t think he liked that, but oh well.

Then I talked to my friend and told her to come over, because she loves this dish!  So, I went to the living room to tell him she was coming over and he rolled his eyes.  I just ignored him.  Later on after she left, he was huffing and puffing about something…probably because I was playing a computer game.  Anyway, I ignored him.  When I was finished, I asked him why he didn’t eat his pizza and he whined, “I wasn’t hungry.  I had crackers”, like, oh, poor, poor me.  I ignored him, washed my face and went to bed.  I played solitaire on my phone for a little bit (that game has the amazing ability to get me extremely sleepy in a matter of 3 or 4 hands…) and he came in and sat down on the bed.  I never looked at him or spoke to him.  He sat and sat until he finally said he was going to do laundry.  I said, OK and then he said, goodnight.

I don’t usually ignore his moods.  I usually walk on eggshells and don’t do the things I know he doesn’t want me to, like play my games.  I usually try hard to bring him out of his mood.  Last night, I knew the effort was futile and I ignored him.  It felt good.  It even felt funny to me.

So this morning he was talking.  He wasn’t super positive, but he was talking.  It’s amazing what a little boundaries will do for you!

P.S.  I know that mopingly isn’t a word.  But it describes my husband, so I went with it.

P.S.S.  Believe me, if my employer would pay me overtime, I would stay for the extra hours, but they won’t, so I don’t.

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My Weekend

It went OK.  He was not drinking when I got home Friday, but that didn’t last long.  He again started with the “I feel sick” and “I need to stop the shaking”.  So, he drank a 40oz and I played a computer game and watched TV.  We got take-out Chinese to eat – he did eat, thankfully.  He usually never eats while he’s drinking.

Saturday I worked a half-day at my new job because I was going to have to work there again on Sunday.  Afterwards, I went home and one of my brothers stopped over as I was helping him with a project he is doing to get into the architecture program at his college.  Later on, my friend came over and we watched TV and ate dinner.  My husband didn’t bother us; he stayed in the bedroom most of the evening and when I went in to go to bed, he was on my side, snoring loudly, so I went out and slept in the living room.

He was very quiet and somber most of the day Sunday.  I had to work from 3 to 6 and it was the hardest 3 hours I’ve ever worked.  I had customer after customer and I never had time to think.  Anyway, when I got off I grabbed a pizza because I couldn’t even think about cooking, and he was still really down.  This morning he told me that my friend said something on Saturday that bothered him.  She was talking to another friend about bad relationships and she said, “Oh, I should introduce you to my friend…she has some stories for you!” and of course my husband knew she was talking about me, about him.  Maybe she was, but she wouldn’t have said anything in front of my husband about him, which is what I tried telling him, but I think the damage was done.

I don’t care, in a way, but it’s just irritating to see him mope around. He said his stomach hurts again and he isn’t sleeping.  There is also no doubt in my mind he’ll be drinking within two weeks.

In the meantime, I am having a hard time with job #1.  It’s just a very frustrating situation.  I hope my new job will eventually become full time so I can leave it.

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