The Fight

I don’t know too many details, but the Monday before last, I was at work and the ex sent me an IM. I hadn’t heard from him in awhile but sometimes no news is good news. He simply told me, ‘I didn’t want to bother you, but I got in a fight the other night.’ Well, all of the undoing and removing and distancing I’ve done over the last 18 months or so got completely erased and I felt a familiar but frightening wash of panic sweep over me.

It turns out that he walked a few blocks from the apartment to a bar where a lot of young people hang out. I am close to 40 so this is anyone younger than me 😉 Anyway, I didn’t want too many details, but he was likely blacked out and running his mouth and some “meathead” kicked his ass. My ex is not a big guy at all. He’s 5’9″ if he stands up straight and the most I’ve ever known him to weigh was 165 and there’s no way he weighs that much now. It wouldn’t have taken too much to beat him up in a drunken stupor. He told me that his eye was black and blue and completely closed up; he said he was worried about his legs; that his knees were pretty bad. I kept asking if he was OK or needed medical attention an he said no, that he was just sad and lonely and went out someplace he had no business being. Now, I understand there are consequences but there is a sliver of me that just feels so bad for him. I don’t want him to have to live sad and alone and get beat up (I mean, what is this? Who gets BEAT UP?) and it’s just all so pathetic. I also know though, that I cannot help or save him and I told him that repeatedly that morning. I expressed to him that I was sorry that it happened and that he puts himself through that misery. I also told him I am happy he was OK and hadn’t been killed. He apologized but I told him he had no need to apologize to me; that all I ever wanted for him was to see him be able to live happily and sober.

He also went on about how he cannot keep lying to himself that he can do this, so he is planning on going back to rehab. He said he shouldn’t have left in the first place, but again I say if I got scabies somewhere and also lived with bedbugs, no amount of coaxing could have made me stay, but that’s just me. He said he was meeting with them again that Wednesday for an assessment and he went. I think the wheels are again in motion for him to go back in there. Maybe third time’s a charm.

That would leave me with a messy apartment, lots of furniture I don’t have room for, his personal belongings that I don’t want to throw away nor be responsible for and of course – and this is the one thing that will bring me to tears – my two cats that are left. I am going to have to try to figure out a way to have one of them and have asked a couple friends to be on the lookout for a home for the other. It all just seems so final and that is what I want, but my whole life I have turned away from conflict or things that make me uncomfortable and this situation sits at the peak of my mountain of situations that make me feel anxious, uncomfortable and fearful. I lost sleep about it and when I finally opened up to my boyfriend about it he said he would help me move furniture, clean, whatever I need. I know he will, too; it’s not just lip service. But it’s going to be a lot and it’s going to open wounds I’m sure, and it will be time consuming to the point that I will likely have to take time off of work that I don’t want to.

I suppose it’s all a part of a work in progress which is me getting my life back and him attempting to stay alive. It is me in the process of moving on after having stuck myself in pretty deep for almost sixteen years. I have a lot and I mean a LOT of work to do but at least I have not gone back like I had so many times in the past.

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Same as Usual!

He drank again this weekend.  I worked job #1 on Friday and never thought he would drink so soon after his mid-week stint.  He did.  I’d talked with him throughout the day on instant messenger and we made dinner plans, etc.  I had no idea I was being set up for disappointment.

I stopped by the house on my way home from work to pick up some blankets that needed laundered.  I could tell in an instant that he was drunk, told him I knew it, and drove away.  I think my friend and I got Chinese and watched TV all evening.

I had to work all day Saturday.  Stupidly, I drove by the house on my way to work to drop off cigarettes for him.  He asked me for a dollar and I told him there was no fucking way.  I drove off.  When I got off of work I called him and he said the cats needed food, he needed more cigarettes, and wanted some soup.  I stopped at the store to pick up those items and on my way home he told me that he needed more drinks.  We argued and when I pulled up he walked around the car to get in.  I was certain that the passenger door was locked, but it wasn’t.  I forgot I’d opened it to put the groceries in.  He got in and refused to get out.  He told me he was having a hard time with the shakes and needed a drink.  Finally I just decided that I wanted to go home and relax, and the only way to get rid of him would be to give him what he wanted.  I drove the few blocks up to the gas station and gave him $2.  By this time, that wasn’t enough money.  He wouldn’t get out unless I gave him enough for a “six”.  I flat-out refused and told him I would start beeping the horn unless he got out of the car.  He told me just to drive him home.  When I pulled up in front of the house, he again refused to get out unless I gave him what he wanted.  I started screaming at him to get out of the car.  He kept asking, I kept refusing.  Finally, he told me he would take the $2 and I didn’t really want to let him have it, but I wanted him away from me.  I gave it to him and then he got cocky as he slammed the car door shut.

I can’t stand him.

Sunday, being Mother’s Day, I had plans to go to visit with my family.  I spoke with him in the morning and he said he felt better and would like to come along.  I took him and he was OK and we had dinner later in the evening.  I told him I don’t know what’s wrong with me that I even want to make things work with him.  He said that I was just as sick as he was.  You know, I might be inclined to agree with that if it wasn’t coming from the biggest drunk that I know.  Fuck you and your AA speak.  I’m not in the mood.

So today he went to school, I’m at work, and I have to take him to get needles for his insulin after work.  I need a break from him and from everything.  Everywhere I go, there is dysfunction in one way or another.  My jobs, my spouse…I am thinking of pooling as much cash together as I can and escaping to Fiji…what do you all think?

Seriously, something has got to give soon.  I can’t take much more of this.

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Well, I’m an Idiot

Yesterday I worked a half-day at job #1 and then was going to go drop my resumé off for job #2 replacement.  My mom was going to go with me and then depending on the time, we might go to dinner.  I invited my husband and thought he would go.

Let me just stop right here and confess; the only reason I invite my husband to do things with me a LOT of the time is because I can keep an eye on him that way.  Normally he likes to go along, but if I get a wishy-washy answer from him, it’s a clue to me that something’s up.  And I’m almost always right.

So, Thursday he did want to go, but the time Friday rolled around, I couldn’t get a hold of him.  Nothing on the IM, wouldn’t answer his calls.  Great.  Finally, at some point around noon or so, he answered the phone and said he didn’t want to go along, but that he would go to dinner with me when we got back.  He sounded like he had been sleeping but I was more than suspicious…I was pretty sure he was already drunk.

When I got off of work, I had to stop and drop something off for a client, then go meet my mom.  He actually called me and I could tell he was drunk but I played along with him.  He wished me luck and hoped everything turned out well for me.  I brought up dinner later and he said, “Why don’t you just go with your mom…she’d like that.”  Now all I could see was red.  This was completely out of his character and what did he think I was, an idiot?  So I confronted him.

I said something like, “Why, so you can sit and get drunk all night?” and he was silent for a few seconds.  He said he didn’t want to get caught (please).  I told him, “It wasn’t enough that you sold my Xbox and games, then told me you would make it up to me…now you’re drinking again…why don’t you just sell anything that’s left just to get it over with?”  He whined a little bit about feeling sorry for the things he’d sold and then when I told him that he’d better come to Easter dinner with me, he started in his “You know what Easter dinner is like for me?  I go to your grandma’s and I just sit and no one talks to me…” and I stopped him feeling sorry for himself by saying I didn’t want to hear him and had to go, so we hung up.  I did my thing and applied for my job and that was that.

Later on, my mom ran into a store while I waited in the car and I called him and he answered.  He told me he would get better so that we could spend the day together on Saturday…and you know, I was an idiot enough to believe him.  My friend left this morning and she’ll be gone all day.  I tried calling him and got no answer.  So, I guess I’ll just sit here today with the dog and watch TV.  What a great weekend off!

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Yeah, He’s Drunk

My husband, who makes about $2500 a year, had an opportunity to work on Friday – or at least get a new project going.  Well, he never showed.  He chatted with me a little in the morning, but by early afternoon, he’d disappeared from the Google Chat and that was that.  I called, thinking maybe he was getting dressed or possibly late to catch the bus.  I didn’t get an answer until after I was back at my friend’s house after work.

He was definitely drunk and I was probably cussing at him; I don’t even remember anymore.  I had plans to go to dinner and a movie with another friend and he’d called me before I was leaving to go out.  Against my best judgment, I picked up some cigarettes for him, because I was thinking at least if he had them, he might not sell my stuff.

I had him meet me in front of the house.  I pulled up with the doors locked and the window open only wide enough to fit the cigarette box through.  He wanted in the passenger side.  I told him no – to come around, and then I handed him his cigarettes.  He took them, but was also asking for money to “help” him through the night.  I refused and tried to pull away from him but his hand was now inside my window a little bit.  I kept trying to inch away, and he was angry.  Finally I screamed “Let go!” and drove away.  In my rear view mirror I saw him hit / punch my trunk.  Thanks.

I went to dinner and ignored him the rest of the night.  I had to work job #2 today and attempted to call him on my way there, but he never answered.  Again, on my break I got no answer.  On my way home, I called probably a dozen times during the hour or so drive and nothing.  I’d started to let the voices in that tell me he could be dead or in a diabetic coma.  I try not to listen to them, but when I hear them, they really do sound completely valid.  I decided that I would go pick up cat food (I knew he needed that) and I would just go upstairs and see what was going on.

Thankfully, I didn’t have to go up there.  He called me as I was pulling into the store.  A huge wave of relief and rage swept over me.  On one hand, I was happy he wasn’t dead, but on the other hand,  I was furious that he was OK and still completely wasted.  I told him I’d be bringing the cat food by and that I’d like him to come pick it up.  He agreed.

When I pulled up and he came around the corner, it was embarrassing to even look at him.  He looks horrible.  He looks dirty; bloated and he probably smells, too.  I handed him the cat food and it’s obvious he’s been drinking all day.  I am going to bet that at this point he’s probably sold my Xbox.

I feel so angry and desperate.  It’s not a good feeling at all.  What am I going to do?  This is a complete disaster and he is not going to change.  Ever.  When am I going to have the courage to finish this?

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My Birthday Gift…

…A drunken husband!

No contact with him yesterday after our “MF” assault.  I went back to my friend’s house and we sat around and bitched for a while.  She is coming off of a breakup (lucky SOB).  We decided to take a drive and go eat at a little Italian place about an hour south of us.  As soon as we got in the car, he called me once.  After we got to the restaurant, he called a couple more times, then once we were in the car heading home, I got the onslaught of calls and even a couple text messages.

I picked up once and asked him what he wanted; cigarettes.  I ignored him the rest of the night.  Just before I went to bed, he sent another message asking me to take him to school the next morning.

So, this morning I woke up and sent him a text message just asking if he was up.  No response until I was just about to leave for work; he called.  Of course he wanted cigarettes.  Not a “Happy Birthday” for his wife.  Just me, me, me…I want cigarettes!  I think I said “Fuck you” and hung up on him and ever since, he’s been ignoring ME.

I feel like a complete fool for believing that things could be different.  I was really excited to go home and possibly see a change in him.  I believed him when he told me that he was sorry.  I did.

So today is my birthday and I probably won’t even see my husband, let alone have a normal conversation with him, and certainly no birthday card.  It really makes me feel like shit.

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Busy, Busy, Busy

I’ve been so busy lately that I don’t even remember what I’ve posted about, or even what’s been going on for that matter.

I think Saturday night he called me and I was pissed because he drank the entire day away, my day off.  He said he wanted to get together for coffee again.  I said, out loud, clearly and succinctly: I am not buying you beer or giving you money for beer.  He said he knew; he just wanted to see me.

You know where this is going.  I picked him up, went to Panera, he smelled horribly and I didn’t want to be associated with him and then we left.  Ten seconds after being in the car he asked for beer.  I just went off, yelling and cussing.  Finally I ended up saying, “Well I want a divorce.  How ’bout that?” and it scared him a little.  I said it over and over and told him I didn’t care anymore and I was at my limit.  He was angry when I dropped him off.  He said, “I don’t want a divorce” and I said, “Of course you don’t.  You don’t have to work and I support you and cook and clean for you.”

Sunday morning I woke up to my phone ringing.  It was him.  He said he’d had a dream about me; a nice one.  And he just had to call me because he missed me.  I listened to him tell me how he wants to stop drinking and how depressed he was that I wasn’t staying with him.  He told me that it’s the action, not the words, that will show me that he means business.  (I’ve heard this maybe 200,000 times).

I worked all day and still had to do things for class this week.  I was starving though, so I picked him up and we headed to a local pub, who was closed since it was Sunday.  I called another local place – closed.  We headed to the mall area which is rife with chain restaurants and ate at one of them.  Not what I was looking forward to, but whatever.  By this time, I’d wasted a lot of time driving around and I didn’t get home until 9.  I did one thing for class then went to bed.  I woke up several times during the night.  I was achey and freezing and sweating to death.  I felt horrible and probably only got 3 or 4 hours of sleep, at best.

Monday, I had to get up and do it all over again.  Picked him up, dropped him off at school, then I’ve got to be at job #1 by 8am.  I work, then leave and drive an hour or so to job #2.  (Enthralling life, isn’t it?)  Now I’m at job #1 and still unprepared for my class.  I wasn’t able to do anything after I got home last night.  I am going to have to rush to my friend’s house right after work and do what I need to do before class.  I hope it turns out OK.  I’ve decided to continue on with the next class for the next four weeks.

In the meantime, he is back to being grouchy.  Something happened with one of his clients and he had to do a little bit of work and he was furious about it.  It was fine, then someone messed it up, then he had to clean it up again.  Sounds familiar, doesn’t it?

I’d like to also mention that while we were at Panera on Saturday night, I saw two teenage kids walking out just ahead of us.  They were holding hands and seemed to be happy in the moment.  Unlike me.  He’ll never hold my hand or be affectionate towards me, even if he were sober.  It’s not in him.  So I find myself jealous of some stupid teenagers of all things, because I don’t even know if waiting for him is worth it anymore.

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Stood Up Again

This next week is going to be hard for me.  I am working a lot of hours between my two jobs.  The money helps but it’s not like I ever do anything special or buy something with it.  It goes to food and gas and my husband’s cigarettes.  I worked both jobs yesterday and I talked to my husband a few times.  He sounded OK, although some things he would say would bother me just a little bit to where I questioned (to myself) if he was drinking or not.  I spoke with him while I was driving home  last night and we made plans to go to breakfast this morning.  He told me he was looking forward to it.

Well I called him this morning as we’d planned.  No answer.  At least six more times and no answer.  My friend was getting dressed to go shopping and I was still thinking I’d be having breakfast this morning.  What a maroon.  I finally got a hold of him just as my friend was walking out the door.  He sounded like he’d just gotten up, but not like he was drinking.  Whew.  The more we talked though, his attitude with me was basically shitty.  Then I started to get the feeling we weren’t going to breakfast and I started to feel hurt.  This is the second time in one week’s time he’s basically stood me up.  So I told him.  All he was concerned with was getting some cigarettes.  When we finally hung up, I got ready to go out.  Even though he was being an asshole, I had things to do today; things to prepare for my class on Tuesday.  I went out and got some things and went to a drive-thru to get his smokes.  Just as I was leaving, he called me.  Of course, wondering where his precious cigarettes were.  I dropped them off to him and he looked fine – did not appear drunk at all.  He told me he was going to get ready now and he’d call me in a bit so we could do something.

Well over an hour had passed and still nothing.  Then, a text message.  It was some stupid rambling about one of the cats.  I called.  He was drunk.  Of course, he did not admit it and I was just so angry I wanted to reach through the phone and strangle him.  Eventually he told me he was just depressed that I wasn’t living with him.  I told him that he needed to get out of the apartment because I was sleeping on a couch while he was fucking up my apartment and all he wanted to do was drink.  I said that I need to make a change and get un-stuck and he needed to find somewhere to go.  Then came the “I want to make changes, too.  I don’t want to drink”.  Then he went into complaining about the meeting he went to on Thursday night and that he needed to find a new meeting to go to.  He said he was going to let me go and then later on he’d call and we’d discuss “making changes”.  He makes me sick.

So here I am again, a married yet single woman, sitting by myself on Saturday night, which coincidentally is the only day I’ll have had off in 14 days.  Six of those days I’ll work both jobs, back to back, while that lazy drunk is at home on the floor drinking Magnum and smoking up the money I earn.  I just want to QUIT and run away and get away from all of this bullshit.  I do not know if I am strong enough to go through with a divorce.  Dealing with courts and attorneys almost paralyzes me with fear.  Then there’d be dealing with the fact that every choice I make in life is the wrong one, and that I succeed at nothing, including marriage.  I just don’t know how in the world my life ended up like this!

So I’ll sit on the couch and watch TV and eat because I eat when I’m depressed.  And I have to prepare some things for Tuesday’s class because this is the only chance I’ll have since I am working constantly.  In the meantime, he’ll wake up from being passed out and realize he’s low on or out of cigarettes and call me.  I might just turn my phone off.

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Who is the Bigger Loser?

I am not sure why I am surprised.  Maybe I’m not surprised.  Maybe I’m just angry?  Embarrassed?  Fed up?  He didn’t go to the event tonight.  I just got back a few minutes ago.  I called him on my way to work this morning and he told me over and over he’d be going.  I asked him to please let me know now if he didn’t think he could make it so I could try to find someone else to go.  He said he’d go.  Like a fucking idiot, I believed him.

I tried sending him text messages during my break but he didn’t answer.  When I got off of work, I tried calling him several times before he finally picked up.  He sounded terrible.  I asked him if he was getting ready to go and he said “Not yet, but I will be.  What time will y0u get here?”  I told him, but I wasn’t convinced that he would actually go.  There’s a different sound in his voice when he’s coming off of a binge, and I wasn’t hearing it today.  Within about 2 – 4 minutes of conversation, he told me “I’m not going.  It’s not a good idea.”  I just hung up.  The asshole didn’t even bother trying to call me back until I was already at the event.  I didn’t answer.  I told my family another lame ass excuse as to why he wasn’t there, and I felt like a dick for doing it.  I think of the four or 5 years I’ve been going to this same event, he’s stood me up all but twice.

On my way back, I noticed he called while I was getting ready to leave.  I am not calling him back.  I am so mad I feel like hurting him.  I feel ashamed, idiotic, desperate, sad, mad, trapped and confused.  I don’t know where he is getting his money from.  I feel absolutely hopeless that I’m ever going to have any semblance of a real relationship, marriage; life.  What am I doing with this loser?  I wasn’t supposed to end up like this.  I never imagined my life like this.  The people I saw this evening asked about him, and I had to lie and pretend I’m happy and that he’s a good husband.  I had to lie to their faces as to his whereabouts.  I am just as big of a loser as he is.

So now what?  What I am I supposed to do now?  He is going to continue to drink and miss school and ignore his responsibilities to his clients.  In the meantime, I’m sleeping on a couch and hiding it from everyone in my life except for two people.  I am living out of a garbage bag full of clothes.  I miss my cats so much.  That worthless piece of shit is sitting in my home, smoking and fucking the whole place up with his pile of bottles and cans and ashes.  I hate him.
I hate him so much.

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Another Wonderful Weekend

My husband called me yesterday asking me to bring him cigarettes.  It really didn’t sound like he was drinking, so I told him I would later on because I had some errands to run after work.  By the time I called him later in the evening, I could tell that he was most certainly drunk.  He told me that he drank a 40oz with some money he had “lying around”.  How nice this must be for him!  When I need help with groceries or gas, there’s no money to be found.  When there’s some cheap malt liquor involved, he’s got a seemingly infinite supply of change.

I did take him cigarettes but I told him that if he is drinking today (Friday) I will not bring him anything, or take his calls.  I can stick to that.  I have to work today and I work tomorrow morning/afternoon, so I really won’t be around.  Tomorrow evening, we were supposed to go to a function with my family, which required tickets, and he has one.  I will lose my mind if he doesn’t go.  The tickets are not cheap and someone else paid for them.  However, this is typical of my husband, and my life with him.  Confirm hotels, dinners, parties, weddings, etc, etc, and then just don’t show because you’re too drunk.  My husband is not a social drinker, and everyone is aware of his problem, so it’s not like he’s going to drink around them.  He sits at home on the floor.  When we had a home, he had a room that he would sit in, out of my sight, so I could mostly go on about my business and he wouldn’t bother me, but now we’re in a much smaller space and it’s unbearable to be around him.  As much as I hate him right now, he’d better not be “sick” for this event tomorrow.

Since I’ve begun this entry, he started sending me IM’s on the computer.  He claims not to be drinking today, but it’s not like he EVER admits it to me anyway.  He needs some insulin picked up today, so since he needs it to live, I’ll go get it for him.  I’m asking him about tomorrow night and he’s not giving me a straight answer so I am starting to get even more irritated with him.  Now he says he will be OK for tomorrow night, but I can never be sure.  I am dealing with a liar, manipulator and thief.  Only time will tell.  I get off work tomorrow, have the long drive, then I’ll go back to my friend’s house to get ready and only by then will I know.  Until then I will be stressed about it but I’m not going to let it consume me.  I’ll figure something out.

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Why Stop Now?

I almost don’t even believe it myself, but he’s drinking again.

I picked him up yesterday morning to take him to an appointment he had with a client of his.  He wasn’t acting nor did he look drunk, but I had a feeling that he had.  I can’t tell you why, I just did.  So after the appointment I dropped him off at a bus stop and he told me he needed money because of this transfer and he would need cigarettes, so I gave him $6.  I worked job #2 yesterday so I called him on my way there and once again, he definitely didn’t sound drunk but I suspected he was still drinking.  When I get out of that job, I usually wait to call him until I’ve gotten on the highway, about 1 or 2 minutes down the road.  He called me just after 9pm.  The only time he does this is when he is drinking.

He actually didn’t sound too bad and most people probably wouldn’t even notice if they spoke with him, but I could.  There were a few minutes of conversation before I actually confronted him about it.  Typically, he denied it then apologized for it, then justified it.  I was upset but I didn’t scream or get hysterical like I usually do.  He said “You’ve already left me.  You’ve made your decision” and I just told him that I wanted nothing more than to be with him, but that I can’t be around it so I’ve stayed with my friend until he shows me something different.  I told him that I wanted to be home with him, not on her couch.  Like the asshole that I am, I took him cigarettes.  He promised me he would go to school the next day.

I was exhausted from working both jobs and having been running around a lot lately.  I overslept, by about 15 or 20 minutes and when I woke up I saw a text message from him that read “i can’t do it”.  I called.  He told me he didn’t feel well and he would just have to stay home from school today, but for me not to worry because he will pass this class.  I was so groggy and needed to get ready so I just let him go.  My heart wants to believe he won’t drink today and that he’ll get well enough to go to his meeting tonight.  My head tells me I am a complete idiot for even thinking that for one split second.

His mother had called me earlier in the week to see how he was doing so I called her back while I was driving to work this morning.  I am not sure why she can’t call him herself, but whatever.  I don’t think she was happy when I told her that this is the third time since the hospital fiasco that he’s drank.  Naturally, she offered me no help or support.

If he doesn’t get his shit together to go to the meeting tonight, I plan on relaxing at my friend’s house in front of the TV.  I’ll just watch lots of Seinfeld!  If he does want to go, I’ll take him, but I am going to bitch the whole way there about this whole situation.  I am really getting tired of this.

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