Waiting

Another uneventful evening at home.  I had a friend over for dinner and while we watched TV, my husband retired to the bedroom to check out the basketball game.  He was nice and not grouchy and even picked up a little after himself before she came over.

Today I left him $2 for the bus, so he has ample opportunity to screw this up.  I was hesitant to give it to him, but if he takes the bus today, he’ll be helping me out.  So, I hope he uses his $2 wisely.  No Steel Reserve.

Like I stated before, I’m just waiting.  In May 2007, he went to the detox center after a week of drinking and I was expecting him to drink within two weeks of getting out.  Matter of fact, at that point I didn’t even care.  It was normal.  Well, he surprised me.  He didn’t take a drink until that October.  Prior to that, he had never been sober for more than a month.  It was so nice while it lasted.  Maybe he is going for a repeat of two years ago.  Maybe he will be sober for longer this time.  Maybe it will only last a few weeks.  I don’t know.  In the meantime, the waiting and wondering is a bitch.

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Relaxing

I hate to admit it, but this weekend with him wasn’t that bad.  We didn’t really do anything which to me was absolutely wonderful and needed.  When I got up on Saturday, I cleaned and made him wipe all of the woodwork down with Murphy’s Oil Soap.  He actually obliged!  Then I got a call from job #2 that I could stay home Sunday if I wanted (I was scheduled to work 6 hours) so I was ecstatic that I was actually going to have a three day weekend.  He even made dinner for me on Sunday, which was really good (he is an excellent cook, just lazy).  On Monday I cleaned some more and just sat around watching things I’d recorded on the Tivo.  It was so relaxing (even though I cleaned) although I wish someone we knew would have been having some kind of cook out…I can’t believe my grandparents didn’t want to.

So, I feel like each day that goes by, I am pressing my luck with him.  I just feel like he could drink any moment.  What am I going to do if he does?  I definitely want him out, but getting him to go is another story.  I don’t want to live my life in limbo on someone’s couch.  It would be nice if he didn’t drink again, but let’s be realistic, people.

He had a mock job interview in school today and the interviewer was impressed with his resume and experience.  I think it gave him a little bit of an ego boost.  He looked so handsome dressed up in his suit and tie.  I really do love him, but I am terrified of the bottom falling out from under me.

In the meantime, the man who seems interested in me was in again today.  We had a little chat about the weekend and I do find myself attracted to him.  I am just scared to make a move.

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Prick

You know, I don’t really ask a lot.  I am just so sick of his shitty attitude towards me.  I am the one who should be a bitch all the time for all of the shit he’s put me through in the past thirteen plus years…but I just like peace so I let things slide off my back.

I invited him to a bonfire at a friend’s house this evening and when I asked him if he would want to go, his response was “Not really”.  Then I said that when I got off of work, we could go to the grocery and get something to make for dinner this evening.  I asked him what he wanted and he can never tell me anything he’d like to eat, however, he loves to say “NO” when I start guessing and name things he doesn’t like or want.  So, finally I said I could make chicken and pasta salad.  His response was “Whatever”.  Are we in fucking junior high or what?  Then I asked him what was wrong…why was he being so mean to me today?  His reply was, ” I don’t feel good”.

The thing that pisses me off about it, is the fact that he is probably just mad that he had to work on my dad’s computer today.  What the hell?  This is the kind of shit he is going to school for.  Maybe he’s mad that he won’t get paid?  (My dad would offer to pay, but since my dad paid most of my husband’s fines and took him to court for his last DUI, I’d say we owe my dad).  He is just so fucking childish and ungrateful!  I wish I never would have come home!!!!  I wouldn’t have to be going home to his shitty, disrespectful attitude.  I am so sick of it and it hasn’t even been a week.  He is such a fucking PRICK.

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Same Old

I am actually enjoying being at home.  It’s weird…it feels like I was never gone.  He has been OK.  Pretty nice.  Till this morning.  I was in the bathtub getting ready for work.  I heard someone pounding on my door and I went to the door with only a towel on me.  It was my dad, wanting my husband to fix his computer (my dad is odd to put it lightly).  Well, I think it pissed my husband off and he was kinda snappy towards me the rest of the morning till I left for work.  I’ve talked to him a few times since on the IM, and he is also being kinda nasty to me.  He told me my dad’s computer might need a hard drive, and when I asked him if he could fix it, he said, “No.  I don’t have hard drives for notebooks in stock.”  It really pissed me off and I am kinda fuming about it.  This is the kind of thing I can’t stand about him.  Why would he answer me like that?

So I was definitely going to give the man who comes into my office my phone number, but he hasn’t come today and I have a feeling he won’t be.  So much for that idea.

I guess I’ll spend the weekend cleaning, going to job #2 and dealing with a prick.  Sounds lovely!

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The Move Home

I’m home.  I honestly didn’t want to go.

I worked all day Saturday and afterwards, someone I work with was having a bonfire at her house, so I went there for a couple of hours.  En route to the party, I tried calling husband twice and got no answer.  There go the alarms.  About 30 minutes or so after I’d been there, he called me back and I knew in an instant that he was drinking.  I didn’t say anything to him.  I was going to leave it for my drive home.

He denied drinking and I yelled at him a bit (when I say “yell” I don’t necessarily mean raised my voice, but gave a stern talking to).  He went on about how much he wants me to come home and misses me and won’t drink anymore.  Anyway, I went to bed that night and woke up around 5am and saw he’d left apology text messages for me.  I think I replied about the fact that I don’t think he’ll ever get it and when I was coming back from the bathroom, he was calling me.  He just went on and on with all of the same BS he’s told me before.  I agreed to maybe meet with him in the morning to talk.

We talked, and the ONLY reason I decided to go home was because I don’t want my friend to think that she’s never going to be able to get rid of me.  I think she was thinking that this had gone on long enough (she didn’t say that but I just think – it’s been four months!) so I decided to make a few trips and brought all of my things home.

The apartment was pretty messy.  Lots of garbage bags sitting with junk in them (we can’t put them all out in our dumpster at once) and nothing was put away or neat.  I tried to do a little picking up, but decided to wait until this Saturday to do real cleaning, since it’s my only day off this week.

He has been OK.  Nice enough, has cleaned up the dishes he eats out of, etc.  Certainly not perfect.  I was so happy to see my cats that I almost cried when I walked in the door.  Yesterday, I had to work job 1 and 2 and when I was coming home from #2, he wouldn’t answer the phone.  I thought it was deja vu, but eventually he called me back and said he’d walked to a meeting nearby.

I feel horrible, but I am really thinking about giving this man who comes into my office my phone number.  It will be next to impossible to talk to him now that I’m home, but I am just curious.  I feel guilty, but every time I see him, I regret afterwards that I didn’t give him my number.

So that’s my update.  Not a lot of action, but a huge revelation, for me at least.  I don’t know how long this is going to last.  All I know is that the next time he drinks, I want HIM to be the one to go, and not me.

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Ugh

I still feel stuck.  He really wants me to come home and I am halfheartedly working at that.  I just know that there will be a lot of work for me to do at home.  I know he will drink again.  And I am thinking I would like to talk to a man who has shown an interest in me who comes into my office.

He actually called me at my office and asked if he could call me sometime and I was too chicken shit to give him my number.  Please understand I am not a cheater.  I am just a woman who made the bad choice of marrying an alcoholic.  I would like to be treated nicely.  Taken out, driven (I can’t tell you the last time a man drove me around), smile, laugh and maybe even he would pay for the date.  A friend.  I am not high maintenance.  I also don’t expect to be taken care of 100% by someone.  I just want normalcy.  I would like to be treated like a woman and not a mother.  I would like to feel like a woman and not a mother.

I think I am attractive (not a “hot chick”), intelligent, funny and generally a positive person.  I don’t know how I ended up with an alcoholic, other than I was young, maybe still had low self esteem, and at 22, didn’t imagine this guy that I met as a potential husband.  It just progressed and now here I am.  30-ish and longing for attention of the not-fueled by beer kind.

There is a slight chance that he is drinking today.  I am supposed to move home at some point this weekend.  I can promise you that if he is drinking, I am most definitely giving this man my number.

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Stuck

He wants me to come home.  After drinking twice last week, (not to mention all the months I’ve been away and he’s been living it up with his Steel Reserve) I am more than apprehensive about it.

He admitted to me that each time we’ve agreed on me coming home, he thinks he can get away with one more “last hurrah”.  I figured that, but I kinda wanted to hear it from his mouth.  Since Sunday, he hasn’t gone to any meetings and as far as I know, he hasn’t talked to any of his AA friends.  This is alarming to me.  I want so badly to go home.  I miss my cats like crazy.  I miss having my own space.  I look at photos of the cats and I see my home when it’s clean and I have things just as I like them…and I truly am happy.  I know when I walk through the door it’s going to look like the local garbage dump.  It’s going to smell and be dusty and nothing will be put away or cleaned.  It will drive me crazy until I’m able to handle it myself.

Not to mention my husband.  He will maybe be OK for a few days and then I’ll come home one day from work and he’ll be passed out on the floor.  Then what?  He has told me that he agrees that the next time he drinks, he will leave.  I love that deal.  But I know that when he’s in his drinking mindset, I will have no insurance that he will actually GO.  Nothing will make him.  I will be forced to go back to my friend’s house and I really don’t want to have to do that.

So I feel stuck and trapped again.  I certainly can’t trust what he tells me, but I also can’t stay at my friend’s place forever.

I don’t know what to do.

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Same as Usual!

He drank again this weekend.  I worked job #1 on Friday and never thought he would drink so soon after his mid-week stint.  He did.  I’d talked with him throughout the day on instant messenger and we made dinner plans, etc.  I had no idea I was being set up for disappointment.

I stopped by the house on my way home from work to pick up some blankets that needed laundered.  I could tell in an instant that he was drunk, told him I knew it, and drove away.  I think my friend and I got Chinese and watched TV all evening.

I had to work all day Saturday.  Stupidly, I drove by the house on my way to work to drop off cigarettes for him.  He asked me for a dollar and I told him there was no fucking way.  I drove off.  When I got off of work I called him and he said the cats needed food, he needed more cigarettes, and wanted some soup.  I stopped at the store to pick up those items and on my way home he told me that he needed more drinks.  We argued and when I pulled up he walked around the car to get in.  I was certain that the passenger door was locked, but it wasn’t.  I forgot I’d opened it to put the groceries in.  He got in and refused to get out.  He told me he was having a hard time with the shakes and needed a drink.  Finally I just decided that I wanted to go home and relax, and the only way to get rid of him would be to give him what he wanted.  I drove the few blocks up to the gas station and gave him $2.  By this time, that wasn’t enough money.  He wouldn’t get out unless I gave him enough for a “six”.  I flat-out refused and told him I would start beeping the horn unless he got out of the car.  He told me just to drive him home.  When I pulled up in front of the house, he again refused to get out unless I gave him what he wanted.  I started screaming at him to get out of the car.  He kept asking, I kept refusing.  Finally, he told me he would take the $2 and I didn’t really want to let him have it, but I wanted him away from me.  I gave it to him and then he got cocky as he slammed the car door shut.

I can’t stand him.

Sunday, being Mother’s Day, I had plans to go to visit with my family.  I spoke with him in the morning and he said he felt better and would like to come along.  I took him and he was OK and we had dinner later in the evening.  I told him I don’t know what’s wrong with me that I even want to make things work with him.  He said that I was just as sick as he was.  You know, I might be inclined to agree with that if it wasn’t coming from the biggest drunk that I know.  Fuck you and your AA speak.  I’m not in the mood.

So today he went to school, I’m at work, and I have to take him to get needles for his insulin after work.  I need a break from him and from everything.  Everywhere I go, there is dysfunction in one way or another.  My jobs, my spouse…I am thinking of pooling as much cash together as I can and escaping to Fiji…what do you all think?

Seriously, something has got to give soon.  I can’t take much more of this.

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I’ve Had Enough

I was able to pick my car up yesterday after work and thank God the total only came to $267 (he even did my brakes and rotors).  I have the best mechanic!

I tried calling my husband a dozen times after work.  When he’d gotten home from school earlier in the day, he asked me to take him to the grocery store that night, and I said I would.  I just wanted to take him on my way home, not have to go out later.  Naturally, he would not answer the phone.  I gullibly thought that he was probably just sleeping.

Tuesday is TV night at my friend’s house, and one of her other friends come over and we have carry out and watch TV.  As I was settling in, he called me.  He sounded like he’d just gotten up so I wasn’t really thinking that he was drunk.  He asked me to take him to the grocery store, so I left.

As soon as he got in the car I smelled cigarette smoke, then the sweet smell of beer kicked in.  I started asking him questions about what he was going to get at the store and what he’d done with the money I’d (ignorantly) given him earlier for food and the bus.  What I got was bold-faced lies about coffee and yogurt at Panera.  Straight up lies.  I gave him one more chance and asked if he was SURE he hadn’t gone anywhere else.  “No,” he said.  So I said “Well, I can smell what’s going on with you.  I’m not stupid” and the next few minutes that it took us to get to the grocery store were filled with him telling me that he didn’t know what I was talking about.

After the grocery store, I told him I felt like a fool coming out and believing that he just wanted to get some food.  He asked me to get him cigarettes and I didn’t even care.  I let him go into the gas station and when he got back in the car I asked him if he still had beer left, and of course he told me no.  So I asked him how much he’d had to drink and he was feeling cocky, having gotten his “smokes” so he told me that he didn’t remember. I said, “Really?  Well then you know what?  Someone asked me to go out with him and I think I just might.  Then if you ask me about it, I can tell you that I don’t remember any of it.”  He was silent.  I pulled up in front of our house and told him to get out.  He began asking me for $1 for bus money for the next day, and quarters to do laundry with.  I told him to get out of the car and surprisingly, he did.  As he was closing the door, he stuck his head in and asked, “Are you really going to start seeing someone else?” and I told him to get out of the car and I drove away.

I didn’t hear from him the rest of the night.  I woke up around 6:30 this moring and saw two text messages from him asking me to please call him.  I did and I don’t even remember what we said, because I’d just woken up, but I do remember telling him, “Don’t give me the shit that you wouldn’t drink if I were home”.  He sent me more text messages about “getting to work” in reference to his sobriety, but I am tired of listening to it.  I reminded him about all of the other times he’s told me that and he keeps coming back at me with more promises.  He wants me to come home, and the next time he drinks, he will go (he seems to think that me coming home will magically cure him) but I don’t trust him.

Yes, someone who comes in to my office asked me if he could call me sometime and I stupidly told him that he couldn’t.  The next time he comes in, I’m going to probably give him my number.  I cannot imagine being taken “out” by someone.  I cannot fathom being in the passenger seat as someone else drives me to where we are going.  It’s so far out of my reality that I can’t imagine not automatically picking up the check after a meal and getting into my wallet to pay for it.  It’s bad enough that all I dated in high school and my early 20’s were total and complete losers, but then I went ahead and married one who didn’t work, didn’t drive, and drank all the time.  He, however, was an upgrade from any of his predecessors.  That’s the sad thing.  I’ve always settled for less.  I’ve never allowed myself to be with someone who was a partner and not a leech.  I want to be treated nicely for once.  I do believe that I deserve it, but I’ve just never insisted on it and ended up where I am now.  I really think I need to make a change.

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Another Wonderful Monday

There hasn’t been a lot going on.  He’s been the same, although he hasn’t been drinking.  Just hit or miss with the good moods / bad moods.  Let me tell you, it gets OLD really quickly and it makes me not want to be around him.

In the meantime I have been working, but thank heavens I didn’t have to work job #2 yesterday.  I broke down on the highway, on my way home from job #1.  It was scary…I’d never broken down before.  I had to be towed and my mom picked me up, but once again, my husband can’t help me.  No car, no money.  It’s embarrassing.

I need a new car but my credit is shot.  I applied for a $5700 car and the place hasn’t even called me back.  Let me rephrase – my car is fixable, but I need something more reliable so I thought I’d apply for a “new” car.  Apparently, I won’t be getting anything any time soon.  I am just not sure how I ended up here.  I used to make good money.  I had decent credit and I could basically buy anything I wanted to.  Now I’m married and it’s way worse!

Enough of me grumbling.  I am at least thankful that my car will be fixed and my mom is going to float me the repair and tow money till I get paid.  I just wish I didn’t have to go to other people for help, and that my husband could help me and we could take care of these things ourselves.

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