Guilt

I have no idea why I feel the way I do right now, but I feel sorry for him and am feeling guilty that he’s down. It makes no sense.

I had plans immediately after work to go pick up my new pair of glasses then to go to dinner with a friend. The doctor’s office closed at 7 and I don’t get off work till 6. The office that I work in has staggered shifts to accommodate customers calling from different time zones. By 5:30, my office is a ghost town. My phone rang at about 5:45 and it was my husband. He still sounded semi drunk (he’d called me last night, obliterated, not making any sense and had mentioned he bought whiskey) but not nearly as out of it as last night. He said he was losing his mind because he has to take care of the cats and that he needed help. This means more money to drink. I told him I wasn’t stopping home, nor was I going to help him. We went back and forth a few minutes and he eventually hung up on me.

When I got off work he called repeatedly but I refused to answer. I went and got my glasses, met my friend for dinner and headed home. I dozed off early and woke about two hours ago to some texts from him:

“I can’t make it by myself.

I cried out last Friday. Sobbing and yelling.

I’m sorry (my name), I’ve never had this much pain. I miss you. I’m not talking about stuff, I just miss you.

I’m sorry I get so hysterical. It’s love, (my name).

Detachment”

So could someone please tell me why I start to feel bad for this man? I know the answer and it’s more of a rhetorical question, but I can’t help it. It pulls at my heart strings, just a little.

Again, I do not want to go back to him or our situation. Just sharing what’s going on and my thoughts about it.

This weekend is going to suck. I am giving one of my cats away tomorrow night. God, give me strength.

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Crying

I can’t sleep. My mind is running and it sucks because I have an eye appointment in the morning I need to get up early for. My flu is almost completely gone, too.

I knew him being civil to me wouldn’t last. He sent me a message that our furnace wasn’t working again. We’d had some trouble with it last year and the landlord (my grandfather) had it fixed. Well it’s acting up again and apparently I can do something about it. He was saying how unbearable it was there. I asked if he wanted me to call my grandpa. He went off about he’d have to clean and blah blah blah blah. Then said, I want you to start taking your stuff out of here. To which I promptly replied OK. Then he said he wished he’d known I was never coming back when I first left. I don’t know what difference that would make, but then he said, “I’m sorry I was never there for you”. I didn’t know how to react. It caught me off guard. I just told him I didn’t have any ill feelings towards him and that he didn’t have to apologize. Then he said:

“i have to. it hurts tonight. i had somebody that adored me. i had so many chances. and i just fucked up. i thought i would be dead by now, and that’s how i lived my life. it was horrible of me to put you through that.”

Well naturally, I cried. Not a ton, but I cried. I don’t know why, either. Acknowledgement? Sadness that it’s truly over? Happiness? I just don’t know. Maybe because I still, after everything, feel bad for him. He’s not a monster, but he has one living inside of him.

There were countless nights I cried myself to sleep. Countless times I reached out for affection and got a cold shoulder instead. Tried to hug him and he just stood there, arms at his side, motionless. I used to beg and cry and attempt to reason with him not to drink. I used to hide and tiptoe and avoid him. I used to cover and lie for him. I was always on his side, supporting him, hoping one day I could look back and think, Thank God that’s over with! But that day never came and it never would have and I’d still be there, smelling the smoke and asking him to please eat something and worried sick he wouldn’t come to Thanksgiving with me. I don’t miss it, I want no part of it and I’m happy to be gone.

But why am I sad? Why am I crying?

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The Flu

I’m totally sick with the flu. Or some other equally evil virus. Started two days ago with swollen glands in my throat…felt like I couldn’t swallow. Then I got achy, then yesterday afternoon the chills and fever started. Today the body aches and chills are thankfully gone but my neck feels horribly sore, along with my glands and it’s radiating up into my head. I hope it’s gone soon.

I’ve had a rough time with the husband lately. He’s nice one day, drunk the next and mad like a hornet the day after that. I haven’t seen him going on close to two weeks I think. One weekend I couldn’t go anywhere because I had car issues and he was not pleased or sympathetic. He was mad because the cats needed food. My mom graciously dropped some off for me. Then last weekend he wanted cigarettes, quarters for laundry and sweetener. I told him Saturday that I’d come Sunday to take him to the store but Sunday morning he called me, angry saying he hated me for leaving him with the cats. I asked him if he wanted to go to the store with me or just to drop the groceries off and he hung up on me. I tried calling back and texting and got no response. I didn’t make the trip. Somehow he managed to get drunk and by Tuesday was telling me to come give him a couple bucks for drinks. I told him there was no way.

Rewind to late Monday around 11:45 at night… I got a drunken voicemail from him stating that if he steps in another pile of cat puke he’s going to stick a pin or pen (I couldn’t understand him) into my face, voodoo style.

So I told him his drunken voicemail had set the tone of my day and that I never leave him horrible messages like that. I said of all the things you’ve done to me I never talk to you or treat you with anything less than kindness and respect and I’ve NEVER gotten the same in return. As I could have predicted he called about a dozen or so times after we’d hung up but I didn’t answer. I didn’t acknowledge him until he sent me an email yesterday with a photo of two of my cats. So I IM’d him and told him I wasn’t feeling well and he’s been quite civil to me since. Last night he told me it’s been a bad week for everyone but I hope you feel better. Today he told me again since I hadn’t responded and I thanked him and told him I was basically in bed by 7 last night.

I don’t regret my decision and don’t think I should go home but these moments of normality with him make my heart feel very sad.

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