I Want a Separation

I really just can’t stand being married to him anymore.

Last week he was let go from a 30-day job assignment. He was told he was too slow. He confessed to me that he IS too slow and that he messes up a lot. He also called off one Monday because he was hung over. I think he’s losing brain function from so many years of abusing his body with alcohol.

So, he decided to do it up with the drinking. I just tried to live around it. I went to work and came home and my friend came over one night. One morning though, he was asking me for money and I was stupidly trying to reason with him to stop. He started slamming doors, yelling and knocked over a lamp and my vacuum cleaner. The lamp no longer works thanks to him.

So the next day I had plans to go to the zoo with my mom, brother and a friend visiting from Alaska. He decided to stop drinking that morning. While I was gone he was violently ill and could not keep anything down. When I got home late that afternoon, I stupidly took mercy on him. I bought him Glucerna, ginger ale, etc and sat with him all night. He told me he wasn’t going to ever go through this again. I’m sure…

So he eventually started feeling better and just turning into his grouchy, bitter, angry, hateful self. He snaps at me constantly and always, and I mean always – has a scowl on his face. I do nothing right.

Have I mentioned we haven’t had sex in over a year?

So tonight I got home from work close to ten. We stopped over at my friends house because she is selling me a receiver. Anyway he was fine there. We left and had to go out of our way a bit because our town had a festival tonight and they always close down main street. We were only a couple blocks from home and I can’t remember what we were talking about, but he mentioned that he wishes he would just die. I told him not to say that shit to me and then I got shouted at about how miserable his life is, and he can’t sleep and he’s always sick and blah fucking blah about HIM and poor HIM. Well I’m fucking sick of it. I know I do a lot of bitching on this blog, but in real life I smile, and have friends and I even laugh. But I can’t take this negativity any longer. Enough is enough.

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Wow

I am truly amazed and overwhelmed at the amount of views and posts I have received in the last couple of days.  I appreciate everyone who reads these posts and especially those who take the time to comment.

I do try to think through the comments and take them to heart.  I am going to try to get to some Al Anon meetings now that it looks like I won’t be dealing with job#2 anymore (long story).  I am still going to try to get the third job that came up, so I guess that would become job #2, but the drive isn’t near as far.

In regards to the man, I am going to pull back a bit and keep it more of an acquaintance relationship.  While it’s tempting, I don’t need extra drama at this point.  My husband went to a meeting last night and told me that he told his friends that he needs real help and is ready to get to work.  I hope he is serious this time, because I’ve heard that many times before.

So it’s Friday and I won’t be able to post again until Monday, so thank you again to all of the readers and commenters.  I was really blown away!

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Confession

I talked to “the man” last night.  It was a very nice conversation…I was very up front about my situation and told him I am merely interested in a friendship.  He was so nice, funny, open and very flattering.  It was nice to be spoken to as a woman and not a caretaker.  He has a good job and works hard, he told me, and when he gets home in the evening, he likes to drink beer.  Three, four, five, six…

So, what I would like to discuss is why do some people attract the same kind of person over and over?  Every relationship in my life that’s lasted more than a couple dates has had addiction or bad habits that turned into addiction.  Now here is this man who I see once a week, tops – and he is attracted to me, and I’ve never said anything more to him than ‘hi’ and ‘have a nice day’…and he drinks.  Why is that?  What about me attracted him to me?  Why do I attract the drinkers?  I understand that maybe I am co-dependent and have those types of behaviors in my relationships, but this is a man I’ve only had one conversation with, and that was last night.

I am not sure what to do now.  He wants to get together to hang out and get to know each other, and he said if this only ever goes that far, he’s fine with it.

I am attracted to him and honestly, just want to be treated nice.  It’s been a long time.

(Oh, and in regards to the husband…he was still drinking yesterday and got agitated that I wasn’t coming home last night – I made plans with the friend I lived with.  He continued to call and text me all evening.  When I talked to the man, it was at my friend’s house.   I went home around 10:30 and he was asleep, but not for long.  He got up to beg me for money and was rude until he passed out.  I woke up to him rubbing my arm in bed this morning.  He apologized and told me he would change…)

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MIA

After he took the $8 from me, he told me he was going to be sitting out on the front porch, so I didn’t think anything of it by 9pm and he still hadn’t come inside.  Unfortunately, bad thoughts kept creeping into my mind so I decided to call him; no answer.  I put some clothes on and went downstairs to see if he was still on the porch, but he was nowhere to be seen.  I tried to tell myself that he was fine, albeit drunk, and I shouldn’t worry.  However, physiologically, I couldn’t control my racing heart.  I went back upstairs and called a friend and she did calm me down a bit and when we hung up, I was prepared to lay down and go to sleep.  The minute my head hit the pillow, though, the racing heart and thoughts were back.

I got up at midnight and walked around the apartment, tried to call him and found no sign of him.  I tried going back to sleep but still was unable to.  At 1:30 I got up and noticed the hall light was off.  There he was, passed out on the ottoman in the living room.

All night I had been thinking I may have to file a missing person’s report.  Or, possibly, he wound up in the hospital?  Well, I told myself, I would serve him divorce papers if that was the case.  Jail?  I doubted it; he would have called.  I kept trying to tell myself that he was sitting in a park somewhere, drinking his cheap ass beer, and that he was fine, but my heart and head were thinking otherwise.

I awoke at 5am, to him saying my name and shaking me.  He wanted more money for cigarettes.  I kept telling him NO and telling him to fuck off, but he won’t let up.  Just as always, he will start raising his voice a little bit and he does a lot of pacing.  After almost an hour of it, I got up, having only 3 hours (maybe?) of sleep and got ready for work.  Yes, I gave him $5 for cigarettes.  He wasn’t going to school, he told me, because he was hung over.  I told him I would like to stay home since I got no sleep, but realistically, I couldn’t.  He doesn’t get it.  He is a selfish fucking drunk.

As I was finishing up and almost ready to walk out the door, he told me he needed quarters in case he ran out of cigarettes during the day – he could go buy a cigar.  I left and haven’t had any contact with him since.

Today I am tired and I feel anxious.  My head and eyes hurt from getting so little sleep.  I want peace.  I just want out of all of this.  Garnishment, debt, 3 jobs, a crappy car, no future.  That’s all I have.  I am set up to fail and I don’t know how to escape this downward spiral I’m caught in.

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Happy Monday!

He’s drunk!

I got home from work and he was passed out, but not for long!  He got up and yelled/cussed/threw things for about an hour till I gave into him and gave him $8.  What a marriage!

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I Guess I Hate Fridays Now

You guessed it.  He drank on Friday.

I tried calling him several times on my way home from work on Friday, but got no answer.  When I got home, everything was quiet and no TV (a sign).  I walked into the living room and he was passed out on the ottoman.  He was really sound asleep.  I tried to get close to smell him and yep, it was there.  I looked around the rest of the apartment and didn’t see any signs of it, but I was certain after having smelled his breath.

I sat on the chair in front of him for a few minutes, and then tried to gently wake him.  I pretended that I hadn’t the faintest idea as to what was going on.  He got up and brushed his teeth and we went and had dinner; we’d had plans to cook but it was getting close to 8 and I was just tired.

He was fine during dinner.  He ordered coffee and water but didn’t eat much.  We went home and in short order he got irritated that there was nothing to watch on TV, so he went to the bedroom.  I played a computer game for another couple of hours then went to bed.  I woke up around 7:30 with a pounding migraine.  It was one of the worst in a long, long time.  He actually got up around the same time as I did and he was fine the rest of the weekend.

The question now is, what do I do?  This is totally unacceptable to me.  Even though he doesn’t “act up”, I still am not OK with it.  Also, there will come a day when he doesn’t want to stop and I will be back in the same boat I was 6 months ago.  I cannot stand him when he’s drunk.  He is an ugly person.  I can’t put up with it anymore!

I want to say something so badly, however, I still have that bad thinking in me that it will set him off, or upset him.  The real reaction to this should be, “Who the hell cares!?” but when you are IN it, surrounded by all this insanity, you don’t want to rock the boat.

I can’t face another Friday with fear, though.   I am going to have to do something this week.  I’ve had enough of his shit.

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Boring

Last night when I got off of work, I met my friend (whose house I stayed at) at a store for a semi-annual sale, and I spent money I shouldn’t have.  In the meantime, I kept trying to call my husband, but was getting no answer.   I was starting to worry.

We left one store to drive to the other one closer to home and he called.  He’d just woken up.  He didn’t sound drunk so I was relieved.  I got home around 7pm and heated up dinner and we ate.  I don’t know what was wrong with me but starting around 9pm, I could barely keep my eyes open.  I must’ve dozed off and woke up around 9:20, and headed to bed.  Of course, by the time I actually crawled under the covers, I was getting a second wind.  I played a game then eventually fell asleep, only to be woken by one of my cats nudging me and “making bread” on my bladder.  Wonderful!

So today I dropped him off at school and tomorrow he is off.  It’s also his birthday.  At first I was stressed because I don’t have a lot of money and didn’t know what to get him for his birthday.  Then I remembered what he gave ME on my birthday.  Nothing.  Not a card or even a “Happy Birthday”.  Matter of fact, if you’ve been following that long, you’ll remember that I found him walking into a gas station to buy beer, after having sold another video game I’d bought.

So maybe that’s what I’ll do for him.  Absolutely nothing.  I like to talk a lot of trash but I know I will end up getting him a nice, heartfelt card and doing everything I possibly can to make his day happy.  I am just stupid like that.

I’d also like to mention how much I appreciate the comments people leave about their situations.  While I understand the horror some of you live in, it gives me comfort to know that you know exactly how I feel and what I go through every day.  I hope one day I can be on the other side of this, telling a wife of an alcoholic just how easy it is to leave the alcoholic, because I left mine.

(I’m having a migraine today.  I hope it goes away.)

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So Tired of it All

He really thinks he pulled one over on me.  Friday, when I got home from work, I called him about five times hoping he would come downstairs and help me carry groceries upstairs.  I didn’t get an answer.  So, I drug all of my stuff up and went inside to find a candle burning in the living room with my husband nowhere to be seen.  I went into the bedroom.  He was sleeping across the bed with the TV on and the AC pumping.  I tried to get close to take a whiff of him but couldn’t really smell anything.  He woke up and I asked him why he had been smoking in the living room.  He gave me some lame ass excuse but I know he was just trying to cover it up with the candle.  So, he got out of bed and I could tell from his demeanor that he was drunk.  Then I noticed the trash had been taken out, which is another dead giveaway.

Surprisingly, he didn’t ask me for more money the rest of the evening.  We’d planned on him cooking dinner and he did.  At first I didn’t think he was going to eat, but by the time he had prepared it, his appetite came back.  I had to hide my purse and was just expecting him to sneak off at any minute to walk to the store.  He didn’t.

The rest of the weekend was uneventful.  I went to a birthday party Saturday evening without him and was home relatively early and he didn’t drink.  I also worked early Sunday till about 4pm so was home by 5pm.  We rushed to get to a 5:10 movie (LOVED “Drag Me to Hell”!!!) and then went home and I made dinner.

I am pissed off, though.  He really thinks he pulled one over on me, doesn’t he?  He is probably figuring if he could get away with it once, why not drink every Friday!?  As soon as I realized it to be true on Friday, I immediately wished I’d given my number to that guy.  Screw my husband and fuck his drinking.  I am so sick and tired of living a “life” with him that revolves around cheap beer and lies.  On the other hand, I am too much of a coward to confront him about it.  He could react with anger or more drinking.  If I thought he would actually hold up his end of the bargain and LEAVE, I wouldn’t even care.  I just know he won’t and I can’t stand another minute seeing him drunk, stumbling around the living room, slurring his speech and cussing at me for hours on end to give him enough money for drinks.  I hate him right now just thinking about it.  I want it to end.

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Prick

You know, I don’t really ask a lot.  I am just so sick of his shitty attitude towards me.  I am the one who should be a bitch all the time for all of the shit he’s put me through in the past thirteen plus years…but I just like peace so I let things slide off my back.

I invited him to a bonfire at a friend’s house this evening and when I asked him if he would want to go, his response was “Not really”.  Then I said that when I got off of work, we could go to the grocery and get something to make for dinner this evening.  I asked him what he wanted and he can never tell me anything he’d like to eat, however, he loves to say “NO” when I start guessing and name things he doesn’t like or want.  So, finally I said I could make chicken and pasta salad.  His response was “Whatever”.  Are we in fucking junior high or what?  Then I asked him what was wrong…why was he being so mean to me today?  His reply was, ” I don’t feel good”.

The thing that pisses me off about it, is the fact that he is probably just mad that he had to work on my dad’s computer today.  What the hell?  This is the kind of shit he is going to school for.  Maybe he’s mad that he won’t get paid?  (My dad would offer to pay, but since my dad paid most of my husband’s fines and took him to court for his last DUI, I’d say we owe my dad).  He is just so fucking childish and ungrateful!  I wish I never would have come home!!!!  I wouldn’t have to be going home to his shitty, disrespectful attitude.  I am so sick of it and it hasn’t even been a week.  He is such a fucking PRICK.

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Same Old

I am actually enjoying being at home.  It’s weird…it feels like I was never gone.  He has been OK.  Pretty nice.  Till this morning.  I was in the bathtub getting ready for work.  I heard someone pounding on my door and I went to the door with only a towel on me.  It was my dad, wanting my husband to fix his computer (my dad is odd to put it lightly).  Well, I think it pissed my husband off and he was kinda snappy towards me the rest of the morning till I left for work.  I’ve talked to him a few times since on the IM, and he is also being kinda nasty to me.  He told me my dad’s computer might need a hard drive, and when I asked him if he could fix it, he said, “No.  I don’t have hard drives for notebooks in stock.”  It really pissed me off and I am kinda fuming about it.  This is the kind of thing I can’t stand about him.  Why would he answer me like that?

So I was definitely going to give the man who comes into my office my phone number, but he hasn’t come today and I have a feeling he won’t be.  So much for that idea.

I guess I’ll spend the weekend cleaning, going to job #2 and dealing with a prick.  Sounds lovely!

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