The Flu

I’m totally sick with the flu. Or some other equally evil virus. Started two days ago with swollen glands in my throat…felt like I couldn’t swallow. Then I got achy, then yesterday afternoon the chills and fever started. Today the body aches and chills are thankfully gone but my neck feels horribly sore, along with my glands and it’s radiating up into my head. I hope it’s gone soon.

I’ve had a rough time with the husband lately. He’s nice one day, drunk the next and mad like a hornet the day after that. I haven’t seen him going on close to two weeks I think. One weekend I couldn’t go anywhere because I had car issues and he was not pleased or sympathetic. He was mad because the cats needed food. My mom graciously dropped some off for me. Then last weekend he wanted cigarettes, quarters for laundry and sweetener. I told him Saturday that I’d come Sunday to take him to the store but Sunday morning he called me, angry saying he hated me for leaving him with the cats. I asked him if he wanted to go to the store with me or just to drop the groceries off and he hung up on me. I tried calling back and texting and got no response. I didn’t make the trip. Somehow he managed to get drunk and by Tuesday was telling me to come give him a couple bucks for drinks. I told him there was no way.

Rewind to late Monday around 11:45 at night… I got a drunken voicemail from him stating that if he steps in another pile of cat puke he’s going to stick a pin or pen (I couldn’t understand him) into my face, voodoo style.

So I told him his drunken voicemail had set the tone of my day and that I never leave him horrible messages like that. I said of all the things you’ve done to me I never talk to you or treat you with anything less than kindness and respect and I’ve NEVER gotten the same in return. As I could have predicted he called about a dozen or so times after we’d hung up but I didn’t answer. I didn’t acknowledge him until he sent me an email yesterday with a photo of two of my cats. So I IM’d him and told him I wasn’t feeling well and he’s been quite civil to me since. Last night he told me it’s been a bad week for everyone but I hope you feel better. Today he told me again since I hadn’t responded and I thanked him and told him I was basically in bed by 7 last night.

I don’t regret my decision and don’t think I should go home but these moments of normality with him make my heart feel very sad.

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I’m Still Here

Things are the same; maybe worse.  He is drinking at lest once a week now.  When he drinks, he will drink anywhere from 24 to 72 hours at a time.  This is while juggling college courses and taking certification tests.  He even excels at school.  He will be graduating in September and I was stupid enough to pay his reinstatement fee to the state so that he can take his driver’s test and possibly be able to get a job and drive to and from.  I talked it over with him and told him I wouldn’t pay it unless he started making efforts to go to meetings and not drink.  I sit here in tears now because the money has been spent on the fee, but he’s drank about 4 or 5 times since I’ve paid it.  There is no hope for him or for us.  When will I get the courage to go talk to an attorney?

Otherwise, I am plugging along.  I have my job and of course the strength of a few close friends and family.  They all think I’m an idiot for staying, but God bless them – they don’t tell me that to my face.

He has class tomorrow and he just went out for another 40oz; his third of the day (that I am aware of).  He also had a 6-pack of “tall boys” this afternoon.  Friday he takes another test that we (read: I) paid $75 for and I’m sure the money is non-refundable if the test taker is too drunk to show up.

What a mess.

PS.  I know that you will ask me about Al Anon again, and I think I am going to start going again with a friend whose brother is a recovering alcoholic/heroin addict.  I will definitely let you know how that goes.

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Easter Sunday

Today is Easter.  I always go to my grandparent’s house on holidays.  My husband always comes with me unless he is drunk.  He will not be coming with me today.

He has been drinking since Wednesday this time.  It was his week of Spring Break from school.  We had a nice day Monday (I was off) and Tuesday he helped his mom move and set up her computer.  She paid him and he gave me all but $10 or $20.  When I went to work Wednesday, he went out to get his drinks and the nearby gas station.  I came home from work not realizing what was going on until I saw his collection of 40oz bottles in the back of my living room.  My friend was coming over and we went out to pick something up to eat and came back.  It wasn’t until she left later that night and I was ready for bed that I realized he wasn’t at home.  Out who knows where.  I tried not to worry and actually prayed for peace of mind.  It kept snowballing until I was unable to sleep for more than 30 minutes or so at a time and my heart was racing wildly.  “What if he is dead and you never got to say goodbye to him?” was one theme.  There were others and even though I tried telling myself that while he is out drinking, I am the last thought on his mind, I still could not find peace to just not care and go to bed.  At 5:45am I thought about calling my dad or his mom.  I saw his friend online and IM’d him my concerns (he is another life-long addict).  He was concerned and was asking me phone numbers for the closest hospital and jail.  As I was looking them up, the Spring Break Party Animal came in the door.  I was relieved and furious.  I got myself to sleep for another hour until I had to get up and ready for work.

His drinking continued the rest of the week.  Sometimes I would give him a couple dollars so he wasn’t shaking and other times he magically came up with it on his own.  I found out later he’d taken Xanax and had spent the evening with a neighbor man (another life-long addict).

So I have been going about my business, going to work and spending time with a friend.  Went shopping for a birthday gift for my brother.  In the meantime my car has taken a turn for the worse; I think my transmission is going to fail any day now and I will have no means to get transportation because of my shitty credit.  I guess I can apply at a ‘Buy Here Pay Here’ place.  Once again, how did my life end up like this?

I really need to start considering filing for divorce.  His choice is to drink almost weekly now and drag me down with him.  I have to keep trying to swim upstream and get myself out of this mess I call my life.

In about three hours I will be lying to my family telling them he is at his mother’s for Easter…

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It’s Been Awhile

Hi all,

I am still plugging along out here!  Thankfully, I landed a full-time job (my job #2) only two hours after I left my office job.  I was so relieved and it’s been great so far.  I’m not rolling in the dough, but I am able to get by and keep my neck above water for now, so I am thankful.

The situation with the husband is sadly, the same.  As a matter of fact, he is passed out (or drinking) in my bedroom right now.  I did some Christmas shopping, wrapped gifts and ate Chinese tonight.

While out shopping, I ran into a great couple I met years ago when my husband was in an outpatient program at a local hospital.  They had a co-dependency group for the family members on Thursday evenings, and I would go weekly (even when the husband dropped out of the program and continued to drink) and I loved it.  This couple’s son was in the program; at the time he drank a little and smoked pot a lot.  He was about 19 and had minor trouble with the law, but I was so happy to hear he’s been doing well for about four years now.  They are so blessed to be out of the nightmare addiction brings to all of our lives.

It makes me wonder when I will have rest from it.  I pray, but I know that prayers aren’t answered every time.  I think about leaving – about sucking it up and trying to find a place of my own where he can’t find me and slowly move my stuff out until I can just disappear from him.  When is it going to be enough?  When will I have some peace?

It’s not been all horror since I’ve last posted, but he’s been drinking about once every two weeks, on average.  He’s also excelling in school and going to meetings.  Maybe he just wants to drink.  Who knows?   Not me.

So, I just wanted to check in and say “hi” to everyone.  Hopefully, we will all have a Merry Christmas, free of alcohol-related embarrassments!

How have you all been?

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Last Day

Today is my last few hours at work.  It was supposed to be yesterday, but the owner is still on vacation and the person who’d be left here alone is almost incapable of handling the office on her own, so I’m going to get a few more hours on my paycheck.

The great news is that I have a meeting with the owner of job #2 this afternoon.  I am praying she wants to talk about me working there full time.  I would be so happy if I didn’t have to apply for unemployment.  Please pray that I will get full time.

My husband stopped drinking on Sunday.  Right now, I don’t even want to discuss him, but he is not drinking anymore.  He came home around 7pm Friday evening, unscathed but blacked out.  Such is the life of the alcoholic and his wife.

I am cleaning off my desk intermittently today.  Clearing up files.  Trying to gather the nerve to ask for my vacation pay.  I have a speech all planned out.  I really need this money to be able to survive the next couple of weeks if I don’t get full time at job #2.  Besides that, I’ve earned it and I think it’s fair.

I am not sure what’s going to happen to my blog if the only place I can log on is from home.  It’s not easy for me to blog from home.  The husband is usually around.

Well, please wish me luck for today.  With the vacation pay, and hopefully full time from job #2.

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Two Steps Forward, Ten Steps Back

Well, my fears were realized when I got home from work this afternoon.  He didn’t answer the phone.  He didn’t get the mail.  The door was unlocked.  The house smelled of smoke and staleness.  This time, however, my husband is missing.

I told you it wouldn’t last forever and that I knew the bottom would fall out from under me at any moment!  Of course, it would have been nice if it hadn’t happened when I feel like everything else in my life is falling apart.  I feel like crying, but I know it won’t help me at all.  I feel so alone and so scared of what’s to come in the next few hours.  Will he come home yelling and crazy?  Or will he be somber and pass out?  I have no idea.  It’s a crap shoot.

He has $20.  He was supposed to meet his sponsor.  I don’t think his sponsor is a 40oz of Colt 45 and a pack of Pall Mall’s.  I also found that in the corner of my living room.

I am trying not to worry about his well being, however, it keeps creeping into my mind.  How can I relax?  I am going to kick back and watch some stuff on my Tivo and I think my friend is coming over later.

Why now?  Why ever?  Ugh.  I feel so hopeless.  Then I feel rage that he would have the gall to take $20 from me when every dollar is so precious.

Fuck him.

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Seriously?

Sorry this blog has turned into me talking about my job.  It’s temporary!  I promise!

Today one of the owners finally told me, “I don’t know how much you’ve been told, but it’s bad.  We don’t have any money.  I am not even sure we’ll be able to stay in business.  We’re all going to have to cut our hours back.”  When I asked her what she meant, she told me, down to working TWO days per week.

What??

Without letting you know exactly how much money I make, first let me tell you not much, but it could be worse.  Now let me add that after taxes, it will be pretty pathetic.  Kinda like what I was making in high school.  Now, just taking out the monthly bills that I owe and that are set in stone, it would leave me about $200.  Per month.  I have not included groceries, medicine, hair cuts, oil changes, car insurance, emergencies, and certainly not entertainment.  I also didn’t factor in gasoline, which would get me to my sixteen hour per week job.  Let’s take out another $100 (approximately $25 per week to fill my tank, given the current price of $2.39).  So, I would be left with about $100 per month to take care of all of the things I’ve mentioned above.  And then I ask you, how in the world anyone would be able to manage on that?

I don’t know what to do.  I am terrified.  If that is all they offer and I tell them I can’t survive on that money, will I lose out on unemployment because I am “refusing to work”?  What I would bring home on unemployment would be hard enough to live on, but this is almost $100 less.  What am I supposed to do?

My husband said he is going to talk to the career placement people at his school.  He is supposed to intern within the next year, so maybe he can begin that earlier?  I don’t know.  All I know is that I should have done things a lot differently in my life.  The reality is that I don’t know how I’m going to survive.

Stress doesn’t begin to describe how I feel.  Hopeless?  Terrified?  For sure.

Thanks for all of the positive comments, too.  I do appreciate them.  I just want the right thing to happen for me.

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Unsure

…As to what’s going on.  The owners talked with the people who they intended on getting rid of.  They did lay off one kid who works for minimum wage and only 8 hours a week, anyway.  All that was basically said to me was how poorly the company is doing.  I could go on for days as to why I think this is, but it boils down to the family leeching off the business and not putting enough effort back into it.

I think it’s inevitable that I will be laid off, but I don’t know when.  One of the owners is going on vacation starting this Thursday and will be gone a week.  There are appointments on the calendar and they’ll both be gone at the same time, and I am the only one left in the office.  So, as you can see, I have no idea what’s going on.  What I do know, is that I really don’t think I can survive on $250 a week, if I get laid off.

On a much brighter note, my husband is still doing well.  It’s nice to be able to come home and he’s in a good mood and we can talk or watch TV together.  He got mad at me for telling my family that I thought I was going to lose my job.  He made a comment that it will make him look bad for still not having a job.  I like how he turned my layoff around to be about him…

Anyway, thanks for your encouraging words.  All I can do is pray.

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I Don’t Like Tuesdays

Sorry I haven’t been posting as much lately.  Don’t get me wrong; I am incredibly thankful that my husband hasn’t been drinking, but I’ve noticed how much my “stats” have withered away.  It’s alright though, I am sure I’ll have a crisis at some point and need the comfort of my blog!

Yes, everything has been going well at home.  My husbands moods are the best surprise for me because he has actually been pleasant to be around!  He is only going to meetings once a week, but this is normal for him.  I am not sure how much he is in contact with his sponsor, so that always puts me on alarm a little bit, but he’s really been doing well.

I am having a lot of trouble with job #1 and am concerned with being laid off.  Nothing’s been said, but you just get a feeling.  I could probably write an entire novel about this job, but I would only get angrier and there’s no sense in that because nothing will change.  Nepotism runs rampant here and that’s just how it goes.  I can’t afford to lose this job, though.  Not one bit.  Please keep me in your prayers.

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Happy Weekend!

I am so relieved that it’s Friday.  I am so sick of Pro Football Hall of Fame crap.  I am off work in one hour.  I don’t have to work job #2 tomorrow – it will be really nice to have two days to sleep in!

My husband passed his certification so thank you for all of the well-wishes.  Hopefully he will be able to find some kind of employment now.  He is still doing well.  Although, I find myself thinking that the bomb is going to drop any time.  I don’t think it’s possible for him to ever completely stop drinking.

Percentage-wise, his moods are 100% better than just a month ago.  I am not sure what it is.  He finally and thankfully went back on an antidepressant.  He’s been on them for years but never went longer than a couple of weeks without drinking, so I know they never really took effect like they should.  Hopefully this time he will stick with them and stay away from beer and they’ll improve his moods.  A girl can dream, right?

I am just so happy to be DONE with this week.  I am glad the HOF will be OVER by Monday.  I can relax and enjoy myself this weekend.  I hope you all have a good one, too.

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