Another Good One

I had another nice weekend at home without alcohol.  My husband has been in a much better mood and hasn’t drank in the last couple of weeks.

Saturday, I worked my new job and was the busiest I’ve been there yet.  When I got home later in the afternoon, I was tired but just couldn’t wind down enough to take a nap.  My friend came over that evening and my husband was in a good mood and very friendly.

Sunday we didn’t do much.  I made a big pot of chili so we can have that through this week, which is a good thing because I only have about $50 till Thursday.  Today he starts a new class and also is taking the second half of his certification.  Thank God he isn’t drunk for this one.  He is prepared and hopefully will do great.

So, that’s it.  I’m just plugging away, counting the weeks till I can breathe again (once this garnishment is over).  Things have been so tight but I am managing.  I am also happy to be working my second job and that things are starting to pick up there.  The last thing I needed was for the owner to tell me that they just aren’t busy enough for my services!  So far, so good.

Hopefully this will be another stress-free week.  At least, stress as in alcohol-induced stress.  I have a family get-together this evening and I think my baby brother might be home this weekend on military leave.  We’ll see.  I am just relieved my husband is doing so well and staying away from the junk.

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Long Time, No Blog

I am really happy to report that I haven’t been blogging because things have been OK in my world.  My husband hasn’t been drinking and although he certainly goes through some serious mood swings, he hasn’t picked up a 40oz.  Today he had a final at school (he finished this class which was admittedly hard for him, with an A) and Monday he has another certification test to take.  Let’s hope that I don’t have a repeat of last time.

Things are OK with me.  I’ve been suffering from a lot of headaches; I am wondering if it’s weather related?  My jobs are going well.  My garnishment is over half over.  (God I need more money!)  I am literally living paycheck to paycheck, sometimes with less than $5 to my name when my next check comes around.  That’s been really hard but I will survive.

Tonight is my husband’s home group meeting and I will drop him off early (as he is in charge of coffee for July) and go meet my friend.  This poor girl has been out of work for over a year now.  If you say prayers, please say one that she finds any kind of work soon.  She lives on her own with her cat and doesn’t have anyone to help her along.  She needs to work.  Anyway, tomorrow I am looking forward to coming home after work and RELAXING.  It seems I was on the go more this week than I normally like to be.  Saturday I work at the new job and my friend (with the job need) will hopefully come over later in the evening.  I’ve got some family birthdays this weekend but so far no plans going on with them.

I am happy today that things are not wonderful, but better than they have been or could be.  I hope things continue on an upswing!

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Just Ignore ‘Em

That’s what I do when my husband is being a prick.  It seemed to work.  He was actually (GASP!) speaking to me this morning.

I don’t know what his problem has been.  He has just been in foul moods.  The ones where I know something is bothering him, but if I ask, he snaps back that it’s nothing.  Yesterday, I started getting pissed off about it.  I was going to the grocery store on my way home from work…I had gotten off early because I had my 40 hours in for the week.  Anyway, first he said he wanted to go with me.  Then he said he didn’t.  Then he called me back and said he did.  So he mopingly went to the store with me and every time I asked him if he wanted anything else, he would pout and say no.  We went home and I cleaned up the kitchen and decided I was going to make a dish I really like, and he happens to hate.  I told him he could have a frozen pizza.  I don’t think he liked that, but oh well.

Then I talked to my friend and told her to come over, because she loves this dish!  So, I went to the living room to tell him she was coming over and he rolled his eyes.  I just ignored him.  Later on after she left, he was huffing and puffing about something…probably because I was playing a computer game.  Anyway, I ignored him.  When I was finished, I asked him why he didn’t eat his pizza and he whined, “I wasn’t hungry.  I had crackers”, like, oh, poor, poor me.  I ignored him, washed my face and went to bed.  I played solitaire on my phone for a little bit (that game has the amazing ability to get me extremely sleepy in a matter of 3 or 4 hands…) and he came in and sat down on the bed.  I never looked at him or spoke to him.  He sat and sat until he finally said he was going to do laundry.  I said, OK and then he said, goodnight.

I don’t usually ignore his moods.  I usually walk on eggshells and don’t do the things I know he doesn’t want me to, like play my games.  I usually try hard to bring him out of his mood.  Last night, I knew the effort was futile and I ignored him.  It felt good.  It even felt funny to me.

So this morning he was talking.  He wasn’t super positive, but he was talking.  It’s amazing what a little boundaries will do for you!

P.S.  I know that mopingly isn’t a word.  But it describes my husband, so I went with it.

P.S.S.  Believe me, if my employer would pay me overtime, I would stay for the extra hours, but they won’t, so I don’t.

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My Weekend

It went OK.  He was not drinking when I got home Friday, but that didn’t last long.  He again started with the “I feel sick” and “I need to stop the shaking”.  So, he drank a 40oz and I played a computer game and watched TV.  We got take-out Chinese to eat – he did eat, thankfully.  He usually never eats while he’s drinking.

Saturday I worked a half-day at my new job because I was going to have to work there again on Sunday.  Afterwards, I went home and one of my brothers stopped over as I was helping him with a project he is doing to get into the architecture program at his college.  Later on, my friend came over and we watched TV and ate dinner.  My husband didn’t bother us; he stayed in the bedroom most of the evening and when I went in to go to bed, he was on my side, snoring loudly, so I went out and slept in the living room.

He was very quiet and somber most of the day Sunday.  I had to work from 3 to 6 and it was the hardest 3 hours I’ve ever worked.  I had customer after customer and I never had time to think.  Anyway, when I got off I grabbed a pizza because I couldn’t even think about cooking, and he was still really down.  This morning he told me that my friend said something on Saturday that bothered him.  She was talking to another friend about bad relationships and she said, “Oh, I should introduce you to my friend…she has some stories for you!” and of course my husband knew she was talking about me, about him.  Maybe she was, but she wouldn’t have said anything in front of my husband about him, which is what I tried telling him, but I think the damage was done.

I don’t care, in a way, but it’s just irritating to see him mope around. He said his stomach hurts again and he isn’t sleeping.  There is also no doubt in my mind he’ll be drinking within two weeks.

In the meantime, I am having a hard time with job #1.  It’s just a very frustrating situation.  I hope my new job will eventually become full time so I can leave it.

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Can You Believe This?

I left work early yesterday so I could take my husband to his test.  When I got home, I was less than pleased with him from the night before, and I let it show.  It was about a 30 – 40 minute drive to the testing facility and I could definitely smell that horrible drunk smell on him the entire time in the car.  I dropped him off and it took him just under an hour to complete the test…and he passed.

Same thing on the drive home.  That stale smell filled the car.  When we got home, he wanted to talk to me and told me he couldn’t take it any more…he needed a drink.  He said that he’d had a hard time taking the test because he felt sick and was shaking.  I was so fed up with him I gave him a couple dollars to go get it and went to bed.  He disgusts me and I reminded him of that, as well as the fact that I want a divorce.

This morning, he asked me for cigarettes.  I almost didn’t buy them because I am sick of it, but decided I should so that no more of my DVDs disappear.  I again reminded him how much I would like a divorce.

I have not heard from him since I’ve been at work.  I am having more bad sinus issues and must have slept wrong because I have a bad knot in my neck and it’s making it very uncomfortable to sit here – and I still have about five hours to go.

I am so irritated with him.  I can’t believe he showed up to a test DRUNK and still managed to pass.  It just goes to show you what would be possible if he decided to actually DO something with his life.  Am I serious about the divorce stuff?  Yes.  And no.  The thought of going through with that stuff…and the ugliness that will come of it stops me dead in my tracks.

I have to work Saturday AND Sunday this weekend at the new job.  I will be ever so cranky from it.  Keep me in your thoughts and I hope everyone has a better weekend than I probably will.

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Yep

My instincts were finally right.  When I left work I called him a couple of times and got no answer…this was only about 20 minutes after I had talked to him at work.  I was going to see my brother’s new house and called one last time before I got there and he answered in his semi-drunken slurred speak.  I asked him if he was drinking and he denied it, then he started saying things that were pretty dumb and that I didn’t find amusing.  He said, “Oh, you’re mad at me.” and I just told him I didn’t think he was being honest with me, which was making me mad.  We hung up and I stayed at my brothers for a couple of hours and started to head home.

I tried calling him a couple of times and got no answer.  That’s when I start thinking about the mess I will have when I get home.  Literally and figuratively.  It’s not about him drinking…it’s me trying to protect every penny I have but him yelling and screaming until I give in to him.  It’s the smoke and the piling up of cans and bottles and the smell of him.  Anyway, as I was driving I realized I was very close to my friend’s house and swung by there.  We sat and talked, went and had dinner and then back to her place to talk some more.  He finally called me around 8:30 and asked me to come home and “help him out” and I promptly hung up.  I was starting to get tired a little after 9 and headed home.

Thankfully, when I got in, he was passed out in the bedroom.  I tried to be somewhat quiet and got ready for bed.  I was going to play a game on the computer but I was getting error messages and had to restart it.  That’s when I heard the >click< of the bedroom door and braced myself.  He came into the living room and sat down.  This is how he starts his asking-for-money-routine.  I ignored him for a little while then finally asked him what the F he was going to do about his test the next day; that’s when I also discovered that he had a midterm exam at school as well and was probably going to miss that, too.  He was adamant that he would be OK to go to the certification test; however, he just needed a beer to calm down.  Once he started cussing, I handed over $2.  From there it only escalates and I really just wanted to go to bed.

This morning I woke up and opened my bedroom door to a cloud of smoke.  I was instantly pissed off…he was again passed out on the couch without a care in the world.  I saw the remnants of his party last night; a 40 and 22oz can.  I continued to get ready (despite a pounding sinus headache) and he never stirred once before I left.  As of right now, I haven’t heard from him and I have no idea what is going to happen with this test tonight.

$175 dollars for a test may as well be $175,000.  It’s not easy for me to come up with this kind of money.  I am so angry with this whole situation…I just want to give up.

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Weird Call

My husband doesn’t usually call me while I’m at work.  He just did, though.  He hadn’t been online in a while and I figured he was sleeping because he’s been studying like crazy for his certification test he’s taking tomorrow.  I knew he was probably up all night and didn’t think anything of it, until I got the call.

He sounded a little groggy but said he hasn’t been sleeping, then he told me the $5 I left him was gone because he met his sponsor at Panera for lunch.  He asked if I would bring him cigarettes.

I have an uneasy feeling.  I can’t say for sure whether or not he was drinking and I usually can tell from talking to him.  I would say at this point it’s a “maybe”.

It makes me feel pretty sick to my stomach…to think about what I might be going home to…and after all the work he’s put into being sober over the past few weeks.  I can’t imagine that he’d jeopardize his test tomorrow, but alcoholics have been known to do worse.  I hope it isn’t true.

I am hoping it’s not true…and I will let you know what happened tomorrow.  Wish me luck.

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Great Weekend

Yes, my friends, I had a great weekend.  No drunkeness infiltrated my life this weekend – thank God.  I am happy to report that my “feelers” were off on Friday and my husband finally called me about two blocks before I got home, which after talking to him, I knew he wasn’t drinking.

After I got home, we decided to go see Bruno and went to the theater nearby.  When we walked in, we realized we’d come an hour early…but it was nice to have the pick of the seats and just to sit there and talk.  Saturday was the first day of my new job so I got up early to go in.  It was surprisingly slow so I was able to leave about two hours early and I headed home.  My friend came over later in the evening and I was so tired, I didn’t feel like cooking so we ordered a pizza.  Sunday, we just sat around most of the say except for a quick stop at the grocery store.

This morning, on my way to work and school, my husband told me he needed to tell me something that he knew would make me mad.  He had gone through my purse last week and threw out a bottle of prescription meds I had for pain because he said he didn’t want to be tempted.  He said he should have told me to hide them but he didn’t and he apologized.  I was happy he tossed them and not downed them, as he would have and has in the past.

This week, he is going to take a test he’s wanted to for years – certification for his field of work.  He is excited, and I am hoping it will be the beginning of more good things to come.  I really hope he can do it this time.

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Got That Feelin’ Again

I don’t know why, but I just have a bad feeling that maybe he’s drinking today.  I hope it’s just past fears.  He just seems a little odd to me today.

I guess I won’t know for a few more hours, anyway.  I have to run a couple of errands once I get off work.  I am also starting the new job #2, which is so much closer to home.  I think this one will be a good fit for me.

Wish me luck.  I hope he’s not drinking.  I left him $10 because he was supposed to meet with his sponsor for lunch, but he told me he wasn’t ready when the guy called, so they canceled.  All kinds of red flags.  So, I don’t feel like dealing with his crap and starting a new job this weekend.  I hope he’s not…

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Mid Week

And thankfully I still have no drama to report.  I had a nice three-day weekend and didn’t have too much to do.  Saturday, he woke up in a foul mood and I tried to ignore it as best as I could, and then it finally faded away in the evening.  He’s been talking to his sponsor still and going to a few meetings a week.  It’s actually been nice.

I think I came to a decision about my jobs, too.  I don’t think I am going to the interview for the job that would be really (really) fun.  I decided I’ll stick with the job that’s closest to home as my second job.  I feel good about the decision, too.  Maybe when my husband finds employment after he graduates, I could try to work for the other company again…hopefully I will be able to lean on my husband a little and not have to work so much.

So that’s it…there’s not a whole lot going on in my neck of the woods.  The farther away I get from the chaos, the more relaxed about it I feel.  I know that he could drink any time, but I am trying to be more trusting and enjoy the time I have right now, drink free.

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