The More Things Change, the More they Stay the Same

A lot has changed in 9 months. And a lot is exactly the same as it was the last time I posted. I’m still in a joke of an alcoholic marriage and my husband continues to destroy his life drink by drink. I, on the other hand, was able to land a job – a dream job of sorts. I’d been trying to get into this company for about a year and a half and back in late July, I landed it. It’s very close to home which is great given the gas prices and I’m making more hourly than I have my whole life. The only bad part is that I only work part time. I hope that I’ll be able to move into another position in the company that provides more hours but I can’t complain for now. I’ve got fun coworkers and I enjoy what I do.

The worst part of my life is my husband. He still drinks more than he doesn’t. Only now he’s in contact with no one in AA and goes to no meetings. He has taken my car while I’ve been at work and driven drunk in it. He’s gotten drunk and forgotten to pick me up from work too. All in all, he is completely useless as a husband and provider. Since he graduated from school, he’s worked a total of about 25 days. Not consecutively and not for the same company. It’s a complete joke.

I think in a way I’ve gone into a bit of a depression. I don’t want to do much outside of working and then coming home. Money is tighter than ever and even though its my dream job, I second-guess my decision to take it. If my husband worked, it’d be no problem but its hard to support both of us on part time pay. I also wish I knew what was wrong with me for staying with an alcoholic for over fourteen years now.

Well, I just thought I’d update in case some people still came by to check on me. I’m sorry to report that its all still the same with me.

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It Will Happen Again

I can just feel that there is nothing different this time, than 5000 times before.

I had to work job #2 on Saturday so my husband was going to his sponsor’s house.  He and his wife are recovering and are good people.  They wanted him to come over to work on some of the steps (this has happened before).  He was there all day because I had a long day myself.  When I picked him up, he wasn’t especially happy or in a good mood like you’d think or hope he would be.  He claimed to be tired (oh, I wasn’t tired, right?) and then Sunday I did some family things then we had plans to go to a friend’s house for the evening.  He had just woken up from a nap when it was about time for us to leave.  He was incredibly grouchy (like a child) after his nap and kept huffing and puffing about different things.  After we were more than half way there he asked me how late we would be.  I replied that I didn’t know…and he said, “I should’ve stayed home.  I need to do laundry”.  Let’s keep in mind that normally, he looks forward to going to these friend’s home and we have fun here.  I just kept driving and when we got there he lightened up a little bit but not much.  After we got home he was pacing around, complaining about different things, but I just ignored him and tried to get to sleep.

This morning I could tell that he didn’t want to get up.  This is his first day back to school on a month.  I just know that things aren’t going to be different.  I know he is going to drink again; I have no hope for sobriety or happiness.  It is just a matter of time.  The worst part is that I am too chicken shit to confront him about anything.  I will continue to be nice and supportive.  I am too afraid to send him into a tailspin, so I wait.  I just know it’s going to happen again.

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Anger

During the afternoon, my husband sent me a text message that he was doing OK and was “hopeful” so I told him I would come home after work so we could talk.  Unfortunately, when I got off work and actually spoke with him, I could tell he had been, or still was drinking.  I was furious as usual and I was pretty much screaming at the top of my lungs at him – things like, “What the fuck are you going to do” and “I am so sick of this shit!”  I just couldn’t help it.  Naturally, he wanted me to “help him out” with drinks but I refused.  I ended up hanging up on him and when I got home just a short while later, he was passed out on the chair.  I packed my bag (it seems that it always works out that when he drinks, I need to do laundry..?) and gathered up everything I need to get ready for work with, fed the cats and left.  He never even stirred and I talked to the cats out loud (I can’t help it…you should hear me).  So I went to my friend’s house and brought my stuff in and then we went to the store to pick up stuff to eat.

After we got back I started my laundry and sat down to eat.  He was calling me so I picked up.  He asked me why I didn’t stay and then told me he needed help.  After a few minutes of back and forth, I hung up and didn’t answer any more.  When that happens, he will start leaving voice or text messages, sometimes mean and sometimes nice.  This time they were nice.  Please talk to me, etc.  Well my friend and I ended up passing out on the couch like a bunch of drunks…it was hilarious.  Neither of us even made it to 9pm!  Finally we woke up and she went to bed and I tended to my laundry and went to bed.  He had called about five times while I was asleep so I decided to call him back.  He just wanted me to come home and bring him a drink to make it through the night and help him sleep.  I ended up having to hang up on him (he sounded more drunk than he did earlier in the evening) and he only called once more and then I was able to turn my ringer on (since I use it as my alarm) and fell fast asleep.  I was angry that I was sleeping on a couch for the second night in a row because of him.  I was angry that my hair and clothes and makeup smell like smoke and I was angry that he is just never going to get it.

I had weird dreams about being on the beach in Florida with my mother in law and other people who I can’t remember now.  Apparently his mom owned this little ‘trailer’ but it was right on the beach.  I could feel the sun and I remember going right into the water and the waves crashing on me.  It was awesome.  And then I woke up.

I was getting ready and he called me around 7 and said that he had rescheduled his meeting at the school and was hoping I’d give him a ride.  When I picked him up I just told him that I didn’t think he was ever going to get it and if that was the case he needed to go.  He said,” Sometimes I think that too and that’s what depresses me so I drink.”  I said, “I don’t care what you think – you have to do the right thing and if you’re just going to drink I want you out.”  He said, “If you don’t care what I think then I don’t even have a reason to get out of bed.”  So when I dropped him off he said, “Please try to cheer up.  I have hope.”  I said “Really?  Because you told me that two weeks ago to the day.  You said that you know if you stay sober you’ll be able to give me the things you want to.”  So then he said something and I can’t remember what but I told him not to turn it around on me.  I said, “Just go.”

Of course since I’ve been at work he sent me text messages about hope and doing the right thing.  Too bad my cell phone doesn’t store all of the text messages I ever get because I could show you dozens if not hundreds of the same text message.  For twelve years and three months.  Over and over and over in the same circle, never growing, never escaping the same problems we face and I am sick of it.

My friend tells me I should be a mega-bitch to him.  She says when he asks for rides to meetings I should tell him to F off.  My problem is that this is not my nature.  When he isn’t drinking, I feel happy (although nervous and un-trusting) but it is not in me just to be mean to teach him a lesson.  Would this help though?  Should I just make his life hell to show him how fed up I am?  It doesn’t seem like the right solution, but I’d love some feedback on this one.

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Trust Your Gut

When I work job #2 during the week, I have to leave job #1 at around 2:30 to make it in time.  I was worried about the snow storm coming but I couldn’t find anyone to swap days with me, so off to work I went.  I called my husband and it sounded like he’d just woken up, but he didn’t sound drunk.  We talked for ten minutes and he told me he was planning on going to a meeting later in the evening.

Work is work and with a pending snow storm, my job was slow.  Around quarter to eight I tried calling him to see how the weather was at home.  No answer.  If he’d gone to the meeting, then I figured he probably wouldn’t answer so I wasn’t too worried.  When I get off work, I always wait to call him, and I think I first called him as I was getting on the highway.  He picked up after several rings and it was obvious he had been drinking.  I asked him what he was doing and he said “nothing” and I said “No, I mean what are you doing? Are you out of your fucking mind?” and I think I may have hung up; the roads were terrible and I couldn’t make out any lanes.  I couldn’t talk to anyone even if I wanted to.  I think he did call back and I picked up and I just yelled some more and hung up.  I was so mad and hurt and devastated that I couldn’t even cry.

My drive was just as horrible.  Semi trucks would whizz by me and it was all I could do to stay on the road.  I wanted to just stop driving but what was I going to do?  I just had to keep going.  It was awful and at one point when I had been tossed from the piling snow in the road, I was shaking.  I am usually a confident driver but this was something else entirely.

I wanted to go home, but I didn’t.  At one point he told me he would just go to bed, but the roads were just terrible and once I got back to my town, I called my brother to see if I could just stay at his house.  He lives about 1 minute from job #1 and I was so tired I didn’t care that I would be wearing the same clothes two days in a row!

I never heard from my husband after that (aside from a text message shortly after I left work asking me to pick up cigarettes for him) and I fell quickly asleep.  When I woke up this morning I felt gross, I looked gross and I wanted to change my clothes.  I decided to call my husband to see if he was going to the meeting he had scheduled (for school) this morning.  He didn’t answer but called me back a short while later.  I was angry and my voice mirrored that so when this happens I can ask him a question but I get no answer.  Maybe some mumbling but no words.  He wanted me to bring him bus money for his meeting and I told him I absolutely would not.  We went round and round and finally I told him I had to go because my phone was going to die.

I started to head home to change and when I got there he was just sitting on the floor.  He told me he would just cancel his meeting today because he didn’t feel well, and because of the weather.  I just went about my business and got ready.  Before I left I asked him if he had any money and he kinda snapped at me, and I went off.  I said something to the effect that I was over his stunts and if this is how he was going to continue – after just being in the hospital – that I wanted him out; it was over.  He just sat there staring at the floor and didn’t say anything so I said “Ignore me” and I left.  Of course, about five minutes later I received a text message – something to the effect that I was only making statements to him and not asking questions and how was he supposed to respond.  I was just disgusted and didn’t want anything to do with him.

So now I am at work and the phone hasn’t rung once because we’re supposed to be getting about 6+ inches of snow still today.  No one in their right minds went to work, but I don’t want to be at home so here I am.

I don’t even know how I feel.  Hopeless.  He is never going to get it, is he?  I will never have a normal life, marriage – ANYTHING – if I continue to be married to him.  All of my hopes and dreams are just not possible.  My marriage vows mean nothing.  I absolutely hate this.  I want nothing more than for him to be well.

I just plan on waiting to see what he is like when I get off work today.  If he hasn’t had anything to drink I would like to go home.  If he is still drinking, then I go home and pray he’s asleep while I pack my bag.  Feed the cats a lot of food, put an extra water dish down, try to remember my cell phone charger…

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A Bit of the Past

A commenter reminded me about something that had happened a while back and I live in it so often that I had forgotten about it, so I will share this story with you today.

A fellow AA friend who had been sober for many years and really worked himself into a fairly prominent position within our community had sponsored my husband.  He and his wife were active in AA and really did what they could to help the alcoholics who came to them and asked for it.  Well my husband had probably come off of another binge, but back then his binges lasted a lot longer because he readily had access to money.  Anyway, this friend had used his pull to get my husband into a sober living facility after he came out of detox.  This was huge for us.  The waiting line was usually weeks if not months out, so it was a big deal that our friend put my husband in the front of the line.  I was so excited to get some peace and hopefully some help.

This place was no “celebrity rehab”, though.  It was billed on a sliding scale, or free depending on your economic situation.  There were heroin addicts mixed in with alcoholics and prescription addicts.  It wasn’t the nicest place, but it was a huge favor and exactly what my husband needed.  Since my husband had diabetes, I needed to take supplies to the house for him, and even though we weren’t supposed to “visit”, I was still able to see him for the first few days.  We weren’t supposed to talk on the phone, either, but he was given allowance to call for different supplies he needed.  He complained to me more than once about other men in the house, and chores he was given to do.  You see, my husband grew up as an only child and was spoiled in regards to having to share or clean up after himself.

It was a Friday night, and it had been about one week since my husband had been in the house.  I was at my grandparent’s house with some other family members and I remember feeling so happy; so relieved.  My family was also glad because they knew my husband is a good person with a horrible problem.  Well I got a call from the house and figured it was my husband.  It was not.  It was one of the facilitators.  He explained that he had taken a small group of men to a local AA meeting (which was common) and that my husband had gone out to smoke and never returned.  I have to tell you, maybe I was naive, but I thought something could have happened to him.  First of all, he had absolutely no money to get himself home.  The meeting was two towns away from our home.  It would have been crazy (and unlike my husband) to walk that far.  The meeting was also in a downtown area which was not the safest place to be.  I was pretty worried and had no way of contacting him.  I had to just wait to see what happened.

I called a good friend and we went driving around the downtown area, looking in local bars.  I thought, if he went AWOL from a sober house, surely the first thing he would do is go to a bar, and this area was rife with them.  We drove around for a couple hours, at least.  I decided to go home but ended up staying the night at another friend’s house, just so I wasn’t alone, as I was pretty upset at this point.  The next morning, I called his mother and explained what happend.  We both decided we should check local hospitals to see if he had ended up there.  I was going to go home, get dressed and pick her up.  I went home and the animals greeted me and I walked into the kitchen.  I was caught off guard from seeing broken glass all over the floor.  Did someone break in?  The back door had been broken and a brick was nearby.  I walked back into the living room and sure enough, there he lay on the couch…I hadn’t even seen him when I first came in!  He was passed out.  I was furious.  By this time, my family was calling to see if I’d heard anything and I told them about the door.  A little while later they came over to replace the glass in the door.  Nothing was really said after that.  Come to think of it, I think that’s when the relationship between my husband and grandfather went south.  I think he lost a lot of respect for him after that stunt.

Like I said, this happened back in 2003 maybe?  I can’t really remember now.  Every year is the same, with the drinking and sickness and promises.  Having said that, he is still doing well as of this morning.  He went to a meeting Thursday and Friday nights and we have plans tonight and he has an appointment this afternoon that I am certain he wouldn’t miss…so, I am safe for at least 24 hours.  As the days go by since he last drank, I will start to think it’s going to happen any day now.  That’s just how it goes.

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