Today is Easter. I always go to my grandparent’s house on holidays. My husband always comes with me unless he is drunk. He will not be coming with me today.
He has been drinking since Wednesday this time. It was his week of Spring Break from school. We had a nice day Monday (I was off) and Tuesday he helped his mom move and set up her computer. She paid him and he gave me all but $10 or $20. When I went to work Wednesday, he went out to get his drinks and the nearby gas station. I came home from work not realizing what was going on until I saw his collection of 40oz bottles in the back of my living room. My friend was coming over and we went out to pick something up to eat and came back. It wasn’t until she left later that night and I was ready for bed that I realized he wasn’t at home. Out who knows where. I tried not to worry and actually prayed for peace of mind. It kept snowballing until I was unable to sleep for more than 30 minutes or so at a time and my heart was racing wildly. “What if he is dead and you never got to say goodbye to him?” was one theme. There were others and even though I tried telling myself that while he is out drinking, I am the last thought on his mind, I still could not find peace to just not care and go to bed. At 5:45am I thought about calling my dad or his mom. I saw his friend online and IM’d him my concerns (he is another life-long addict). He was concerned and was asking me phone numbers for the closest hospital and jail. As I was looking them up, the Spring Break Party Animal came in the door. I was relieved and furious. I got myself to sleep for another hour until I had to get up and ready for work.
His drinking continued the rest of the week. Sometimes I would give him a couple dollars so he wasn’t shaking and other times he magically came up with it on his own. I found out later he’d taken Xanax and had spent the evening with a neighbor man (another life-long addict).
So I have been going about my business, going to work and spending time with a friend. Went shopping for a birthday gift for my brother. In the meantime my car has taken a turn for the worse; I think my transmission is going to fail any day now and I will have no means to get transportation because of my shitty credit. I guess I can apply at a ‘Buy Here Pay Here’ place. Once again, how did my life end up like this?
I really need to start considering filing for divorce. His choice is to drink almost weekly now and drag me down with him. I have to keep trying to swim upstream and get myself out of this mess I call my life.
In about three hours I will be lying to my family telling them he is at his mother’s for Easter…
The Alcoholic Marriage 