The Weekend

My husband had a nice birthday, considering what I should have done.  I should have ignored him all day and got shit-faced and then sold his things for pennies on the dollar to buy more beer.  I didn’t get him anything – not even a card.  I did make him dinner and was especially sweet to him.  I think we will see my family this weekend and have some cake for him.  That’s why I love my family.

Today is Friday and I am actually terrified of coming home to a repeat of last Friday.  I still haven’t said anything to him, and that is just purely stupid of me.  I woke up this morning as he was getting into the bed.  It was 6am, almost time for my alarm to go off.  I asked him if he was just now going to bed and he said that he’d fallen asleep in the living room and was just now moving to the bedroom.  I couldn’t smell any alcohol and he was still sound asleep when I left for work.

I’m at work now and he hasn’t been online at all today.  I don’t feel that great myself, but I have to stay at work all day because the friend who I lived with has to drop her car off for repair and I am taking her home.  I don’t know what we’ll do all weekend.  My husband sometimes gets restless if we don’t have plans to do anything.  I don’t have to work at job #2 so at least I’m off and able to rest!

On another note entirely, somehow this week I kept clicking links on blogs till I ended up on a blog about a sober alcoholic.  I have read quite a bit of her blog and I have to tell you that her energy is something wonderful to me.  She has a life far greater than any I have ever had, and she basically owes it all to the grace of God delivering her from her alcoholism.  Her life isn’t perfect, but she lives by the twelve steps and her attitude is so refreshing to me.  I would link to it, but I would be ashamed if she read through my blog.  The insanity, the attempting to control.  I know my life is a wreck because of alcohol and yet I still find myself immersed in it, unable to swim out.  It is on my mind at all times as long as I remain with my husband.  I am afraid it will never go away.

So, that’s what I’ve been doing all week.  Reading her blog, which is basically just her daily goings on, yet I am completely fascinated with the peace that surrounds her.  I want that.

Please wish me luck that he isn’t drinking today.  I just want to be at home this weekend.  I bought a new computer game that I could probably play for 72 hours straight and I am still feeling under the weather.  I just want peace this weekend.

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So Tired of it All

He really thinks he pulled one over on me.  Friday, when I got home from work, I called him about five times hoping he would come downstairs and help me carry groceries upstairs.  I didn’t get an answer.  So, I drug all of my stuff up and went inside to find a candle burning in the living room with my husband nowhere to be seen.  I went into the bedroom.  He was sleeping across the bed with the TV on and the AC pumping.  I tried to get close to take a whiff of him but couldn’t really smell anything.  He woke up and I asked him why he had been smoking in the living room.  He gave me some lame ass excuse but I know he was just trying to cover it up with the candle.  So, he got out of bed and I could tell from his demeanor that he was drunk.  Then I noticed the trash had been taken out, which is another dead giveaway.

Surprisingly, he didn’t ask me for more money the rest of the evening.  We’d planned on him cooking dinner and he did.  At first I didn’t think he was going to eat, but by the time he had prepared it, his appetite came back.  I had to hide my purse and was just expecting him to sneak off at any minute to walk to the store.  He didn’t.

The rest of the weekend was uneventful.  I went to a birthday party Saturday evening without him and was home relatively early and he didn’t drink.  I also worked early Sunday till about 4pm so was home by 5pm.  We rushed to get to a 5:10 movie (LOVED “Drag Me to Hell”!!!) and then went home and I made dinner.

I am pissed off, though.  He really thinks he pulled one over on me, doesn’t he?  He is probably figuring if he could get away with it once, why not drink every Friday!?  As soon as I realized it to be true on Friday, I immediately wished I’d given my number to that guy.  Screw my husband and fuck his drinking.  I am so sick and tired of living a “life” with him that revolves around cheap beer and lies.  On the other hand, I am too much of a coward to confront him about it.  He could react with anger or more drinking.  If I thought he would actually hold up his end of the bargain and LEAVE, I wouldn’t even care.  I just know he won’t and I can’t stand another minute seeing him drunk, stumbling around the living room, slurring his speech and cussing at me for hours on end to give him enough money for drinks.  I hate him right now just thinking about it.  I want it to end.

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Waiting

Another uneventful evening at home.  I had a friend over for dinner and while we watched TV, my husband retired to the bedroom to check out the basketball game.  He was nice and not grouchy and even picked up a little after himself before she came over.

Today I left him $2 for the bus, so he has ample opportunity to screw this up.  I was hesitant to give it to him, but if he takes the bus today, he’ll be helping me out.  So, I hope he uses his $2 wisely.  No Steel Reserve.

Like I stated before, I’m just waiting.  In May 2007, he went to the detox center after a week of drinking and I was expecting him to drink within two weeks of getting out.  Matter of fact, at that point I didn’t even care.  It was normal.  Well, he surprised me.  He didn’t take a drink until that October.  Prior to that, he had never been sober for more than a month.  It was so nice while it lasted.  Maybe he is going for a repeat of two years ago.  Maybe he will be sober for longer this time.  Maybe it will only last a few weeks.  I don’t know.  In the meantime, the waiting and wondering is a bitch.

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Relaxing

I hate to admit it, but this weekend with him wasn’t that bad.  We didn’t really do anything which to me was absolutely wonderful and needed.  When I got up on Saturday, I cleaned and made him wipe all of the woodwork down with Murphy’s Oil Soap.  He actually obliged!  Then I got a call from job #2 that I could stay home Sunday if I wanted (I was scheduled to work 6 hours) so I was ecstatic that I was actually going to have a three day weekend.  He even made dinner for me on Sunday, which was really good (he is an excellent cook, just lazy).  On Monday I cleaned some more and just sat around watching things I’d recorded on the Tivo.  It was so relaxing (even though I cleaned) although I wish someone we knew would have been having some kind of cook out…I can’t believe my grandparents didn’t want to.

So, I feel like each day that goes by, I am pressing my luck with him.  I just feel like he could drink any moment.  What am I going to do if he does?  I definitely want him out, but getting him to go is another story.  I don’t want to live my life in limbo on someone’s couch.  It would be nice if he didn’t drink again, but let’s be realistic, people.

He had a mock job interview in school today and the interviewer was impressed with his resume and experience.  I think it gave him a little bit of an ego boost.  He looked so handsome dressed up in his suit and tie.  I really do love him, but I am terrified of the bottom falling out from under me.

In the meantime, the man who seems interested in me was in again today.  We had a little chat about the weekend and I do find myself attracted to him.  I am just scared to make a move.

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Prick

You know, I don’t really ask a lot.  I am just so sick of his shitty attitude towards me.  I am the one who should be a bitch all the time for all of the shit he’s put me through in the past thirteen plus years…but I just like peace so I let things slide off my back.

I invited him to a bonfire at a friend’s house this evening and when I asked him if he would want to go, his response was “Not really”.  Then I said that when I got off of work, we could go to the grocery and get something to make for dinner this evening.  I asked him what he wanted and he can never tell me anything he’d like to eat, however, he loves to say “NO” when I start guessing and name things he doesn’t like or want.  So, finally I said I could make chicken and pasta salad.  His response was “Whatever”.  Are we in fucking junior high or what?  Then I asked him what was wrong…why was he being so mean to me today?  His reply was, ” I don’t feel good”.

The thing that pisses me off about it, is the fact that he is probably just mad that he had to work on my dad’s computer today.  What the hell?  This is the kind of shit he is going to school for.  Maybe he’s mad that he won’t get paid?  (My dad would offer to pay, but since my dad paid most of my husband’s fines and took him to court for his last DUI, I’d say we owe my dad).  He is just so fucking childish and ungrateful!  I wish I never would have come home!!!!  I wouldn’t have to be going home to his shitty, disrespectful attitude.  I am so sick of it and it hasn’t even been a week.  He is such a fucking PRICK.

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Same Old

I am actually enjoying being at home.  It’s weird…it feels like I was never gone.  He has been OK.  Pretty nice.  Till this morning.  I was in the bathtub getting ready for work.  I heard someone pounding on my door and I went to the door with only a towel on me.  It was my dad, wanting my husband to fix his computer (my dad is odd to put it lightly).  Well, I think it pissed my husband off and he was kinda snappy towards me the rest of the morning till I left for work.  I’ve talked to him a few times since on the IM, and he is also being kinda nasty to me.  He told me my dad’s computer might need a hard drive, and when I asked him if he could fix it, he said, “No.  I don’t have hard drives for notebooks in stock.”  It really pissed me off and I am kinda fuming about it.  This is the kind of thing I can’t stand about him.  Why would he answer me like that?

So I was definitely going to give the man who comes into my office my phone number, but he hasn’t come today and I have a feeling he won’t be.  So much for that idea.

I guess I’ll spend the weekend cleaning, going to job #2 and dealing with a prick.  Sounds lovely!

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He’s Mad at ME?

For the last several weeks, my husband’s moods are completely unpredictable.  Most of the time though, he seems to be in a bad mood and barely speaks to me.  We’ll drive in the car in silence.  Or sit at a restaurant, staring into space, not speaking.  I can’t stand it, but if I ask him what’s wrong or try to talk to him about anything, he snaps at me and still doesn’t speak.

Last night I had class and I tried calling him when I got done but he didn’t answer.  I headed back to my friend’s house and started watching TV and eating my dinner.  He called about an hour or so later and I answered.  Once again, any question I asked him, he just grumbled an answer back to me.  Finally I just asked, “Do you want me to let you go?  I will call you back before I go to sleep.”

I was going to try to go to bed early (for me), which would have been about 10:30.  I called him to say goodnight.  He was terribly grouchy again, so I said, “Is there a problem?  Are you mad at me about something?” which probably wasn’t a good idea.  He started laying into me, saying I had no right to talk about the cats because I wasn’t home with them (???).  He said he should probably just move out since it appears I don’t want to leave my freind’s house and he’s not going to “pretend everything is OK when it’s not”.  He said, “This has been three months of my life you’ve been gone and I’m tired of it”.

I was really angry.  I said, “and how many of those 3 months have you drank or sat in silence when you ARE with me?”  I was upset (and tired) and didn’t want to fight; I am not a confrontational person at all.  I avoid it at all costs.  But I was upset because somehow, with his alcoholic magic, he’s turned this situation around on ME and I am the one who left to protect myself from his insanity.  He told me that he doesn’t say anything to me because I am “pretending nothing’s wrong”.  I was so furious at this point…I am attempting to get along with him so that I’ll WANT to come home, which doesn’t happen because he won’t speak to me.

We hung up by me telling him that we could talk about it and hopefully not fight about it the next day.  Quite frankly, I am not looking forward to his shitty attitude towards me.  I am not looking forward to coming home.  He is going to drink within two weeks and I know it.

I haven’t spoken to him yet today.  I wish I didn’t have to deal with him so I could just RELAX.  I have a huge project I have to have done by next weekend and I work both jobs 3 out of the next 7 days, which is going to make me tired and grouchy.

I want to go home – I really do.  I miss my cats and just being at my place.  However, I want him to be a real husband to me.  Clean up his mess and not drink…oh, and try to be nice to me once in a while.  That’s all I really want!!!

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It Will Happen Again

I can just feel that there is nothing different this time, than 5000 times before.

I had to work job #2 on Saturday so my husband was going to his sponsor’s house.  He and his wife are recovering and are good people.  They wanted him to come over to work on some of the steps (this has happened before).  He was there all day because I had a long day myself.  When I picked him up, he wasn’t especially happy or in a good mood like you’d think or hope he would be.  He claimed to be tired (oh, I wasn’t tired, right?) and then Sunday I did some family things then we had plans to go to a friend’s house for the evening.  He had just woken up from a nap when it was about time for us to leave.  He was incredibly grouchy (like a child) after his nap and kept huffing and puffing about different things.  After we were more than half way there he asked me how late we would be.  I replied that I didn’t know…and he said, “I should’ve stayed home.  I need to do laundry”.  Let’s keep in mind that normally, he looks forward to going to these friend’s home and we have fun here.  I just kept driving and when we got there he lightened up a little bit but not much.  After we got home he was pacing around, complaining about different things, but I just ignored him and tried to get to sleep.

This morning I could tell that he didn’t want to get up.  This is his first day back to school on a month.  I just know that things aren’t going to be different.  I know he is going to drink again; I have no hope for sobriety or happiness.  It is just a matter of time.  The worst part is that I am too chicken shit to confront him about anything.  I will continue to be nice and supportive.  I am too afraid to send him into a tailspin, so I wait.  I just know it’s going to happen again.

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