Yeah, He’s Drunk

My husband, who makes about $2500 a year, had an opportunity to work on Friday – or at least get a new project going.  Well, he never showed.  He chatted with me a little in the morning, but by early afternoon, he’d disappeared from the Google Chat and that was that.  I called, thinking maybe he was getting dressed or possibly late to catch the bus.  I didn’t get an answer until after I was back at my friend’s house after work.

He was definitely drunk and I was probably cussing at him; I don’t even remember anymore.  I had plans to go to dinner and a movie with another friend and he’d called me before I was leaving to go out.  Against my best judgment, I picked up some cigarettes for him, because I was thinking at least if he had them, he might not sell my stuff.

I had him meet me in front of the house.  I pulled up with the doors locked and the window open only wide enough to fit the cigarette box through.  He wanted in the passenger side.  I told him no – to come around, and then I handed him his cigarettes.  He took them, but was also asking for money to “help” him through the night.  I refused and tried to pull away from him but his hand was now inside my window a little bit.  I kept trying to inch away, and he was angry.  Finally I screamed “Let go!” and drove away.  In my rear view mirror I saw him hit / punch my trunk.  Thanks.

I went to dinner and ignored him the rest of the night.  I had to work job #2 today and attempted to call him on my way there, but he never answered.  Again, on my break I got no answer.  On my way home, I called probably a dozen times during the hour or so drive and nothing.  I’d started to let the voices in that tell me he could be dead or in a diabetic coma.  I try not to listen to them, but when I hear them, they really do sound completely valid.  I decided that I would go pick up cat food (I knew he needed that) and I would just go upstairs and see what was going on.

Thankfully, I didn’t have to go up there.  He called me as I was pulling into the store.  A huge wave of relief and rage swept over me.  On one hand, I was happy he wasn’t dead, but on the other hand,  I was furious that he was OK and still completely wasted.  I told him I’d be bringing the cat food by and that I’d like him to come pick it up.  He agreed.

When I pulled up and he came around the corner, it was embarrassing to even look at him.  He looks horrible.  He looks dirty; bloated and he probably smells, too.  I handed him the cat food and it’s obvious he’s been drinking all day.  I am going to bet that at this point he’s probably sold my Xbox.

I feel so angry and desperate.  It’s not a good feeling at all.  What am I going to do?  This is a complete disaster and he is not going to change.  Ever.  When am I going to have the courage to finish this?

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Wanted: Husband I Can Count On

I locked my keys in my car last night.  I’ve never done that before…but from the time I slammed the door shut till the time I got out of the parking lot, the whole ordeal had taken me about 2 and a half hours.  Awesome evening!

In the meantime, my husband was at home, of absolutely no help to me.  When wives get in trouble, particularly car trouble, who do they call?  Their husbands.  This is not an option for me.

I did, however, call him when I was back in my car, driving to my friend’s house.  I told him I finally got back in the car and he acted like he didn’t know what I was talking about (even though after I did it, he called me and I told him what was going on).  He was acting real goofy and I suspected that he was drinking.  I wasn’t certain, but how can I help but always think the worst?

This morning, I woke up late.  I sent him a text message asking if he was up and I got no response.  I then called a few times and he finally picked up and said he was just getting ready for school.  Whew.  He seemed OK, but I am still wondering if he’ll drink today.  His final exam for one of his classes is today, which means he’ll be out of school early and head home to sit and ponder and be depressed and possibly drink.

I am so sick of all of this.  I don’t know if he did drink and I don’t know if he will drink, but it’s ridiculous that I have to worry about this crap all of the time.  It’s been my life for over twelve years.  Wondering, worrying.  I wish he would grow up and be a MAN and be a real husband to me.  I should be able to call my husband if I lock myself out of my car.  If I need to stop for gas, he should pump it for me (he has never once done this for me).  He should help me around the house, have a job and help me with bills and expenses, too.  Is this really too much to ask?  Isn’t it normal for a husband to do these things?  Not in my world.

(No, I didn’t have an extra set of keys, but I do plan on having some made after work today)  🙂

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What’s Next?

My husband barely spoke to me yesterday.  When he did, he sounded angry.  On my way back from job #2 last night, I asked him if he was going to tell me what was wrong, or continue to keep it to himself.

He explained to me that he is so depressed that it is making him physically ill.  His stomach hurts, he can’t concentrate, he can’t sleep, he feels like weeping all of the time and his blood pressure is up.  He said it’s hard for him to pretend he’s happy when his whole life is messed up.    Then he said something to the effect that he is afraid to show me how depressed he really is, because he’s afraid of how I’ll react, but he can’t just put on a happy face and pretend that everything’s OK.  He is tired of not having an resources to provide for us.  There was a lot of other things said too, but not a lot of it made very much sense to me.  Not to mention the fact that when he talks like that, he sounds angry, so I feel like I’m in trouble.  The whole thing is frustrating to me.  I can’t really help him.  He doesn’t make me want to come home AT ALL.  In the meantime, I love staying with my friend, but I miss my cats!!!  I told him that while it wasn’t my intention, the way he feels now is how I feel when he drinks.  I really don’t think he gets it though.

I guess in the meantime, I have to plug away, work, work, and class on Tuesday?  Support him, keep the cable and internet on..?  I am not benefitting from these things but I’m paying for them.  Plus his cell phone and credit card.  And $5 a pack cigarettes and food.  And I don’t get one smile.  Not one stress-free visit with him.  It’s all gloom and doom and scowls.  Not my idea of what I want my life to be!

I haven’t heard from him since I dropped him off at school this morning.  He’s going to a workshop this evening there so I think he’s just staying there instead of going home.

I also have a confession: I really don’t feel like going to class today and am seriously considering skipping!  Once again, I’m not completely prepared since I had to work last night and I’m tired and feel kinda mellow.  Don’t know if I can pull it off though…

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Monday Blahs

This weekend I had a lot of fun celebrating my birthday with different people.  Friday I went shopping and out to dinner with some friends and when we got home, the friend who I’m staying with and I went to another friend’s house just to talk.  We ended up staying there till 4am!  Let me tell you – I’m not used to staying up that late anymore!  It was a lot of fun though, and I’m glad I did it, even if I felt crappy and hungover all the next day (I didn’t drink, I just felt that way from only having 4 hours of sleep).

Saturday my friend and I just schlepped around, shopping, tanning and eating.  It was fun.  My husband wasn’t drinking and wanted to get together, but I was tired (physically) and tired of him.  All we ended up doing was me driving him to a meeting and dropping him off later in the evening.  I don’t think he was happy.  Sunday I went to visit with my some family.  Husband came along and frowned the whole time.  What a pleasure to spend time with him!

This morning I had to pick him up for school and he barely spoke to me during the ride there.  I finally asked him if there was a reason he wasn’t talking to me. He said, “I just don’t have anything to say.  Don’t you get like that sometimes, or is it just me?  I guess it’s just me.”  So when I dropped him off at school I told him to try and have a good day, but I know he won’t.  I know he will brood and be angry all day about his life.  About his marriage and the fact that he can’t drive.  I’ve told him time and time again that drinking is the reason for every part of unhappiness in his life.  I don’t think he makes the connection.

He’s mad because I’m not home with him and that I am spending less time with him.  I don’t think that I should keep putting effort into something that is just wasting away anyway.  He doesn’t put effort into the marriage, why should I?

I have to work job 1 &2 today.  Oh joy.

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Caught in the Act

After work yesterday, I was heading back to my friend’s house and of course, my husband called.  He wanted “help to get through the night”.  I am pretty sure I hung up on him.

We sat around her house for a few minutes and were going shopping at a couple places and to dinner.  We took our time and headed out probably a little past 6pm.  Going up a main road near my house, I saw my husband, walking towards a gas station.  She pulled in and I walked in to the store.  He looked over at me while standing in line.  I said, “Come here”.  Of course, he had sold another one of my video games for $12 and was in line to buy a 6-pack of ‘tall boys’ and some smokes.  The fucking nerve of this guy!

He told me numerous times to keep my voice down.  Apparently, he didn’t want to be embarrassed in front of his fellow losers; every man that walked through this gas station was buying beer or liquor in some way.  He bought his stuff and I snatched the change up.  We walked outside and he saw my friend waiting in her car, which embarrasses him even more.  He got a little cocky with me, of course, because he already had what he needed.  We walked away from each other and I said “Happy birthday, (my name)” and he said, “Yeah, keep telling yourself that”.

Naturally, after he’d loaded himself up a bit, I got his “I love you” text messages and what not.  He can SAVE IT.

This morning he’s been telling me how much I mean to him and how scared he is to lose me.  I wonder if he really means these things or just says them to hear himself talk?

Tonight I am going shopping and out to dinner with a big group of friends and I am really looking forward to it.  No men.  (Sorry, guys who are reading).  I am also not working the rest of the weekend, which excites me more than anything else.

I just wonder how much longer all of this is going to last?

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My Birthday Gift…

…A drunken husband!

No contact with him yesterday after our “MF” assault.  I went back to my friend’s house and we sat around and bitched for a while.  She is coming off of a breakup (lucky SOB).  We decided to take a drive and go eat at a little Italian place about an hour south of us.  As soon as we got in the car, he called me once.  After we got to the restaurant, he called a couple more times, then once we were in the car heading home, I got the onslaught of calls and even a couple text messages.

I picked up once and asked him what he wanted; cigarettes.  I ignored him the rest of the night.  Just before I went to bed, he sent another message asking me to take him to school the next morning.

So, this morning I woke up and sent him a text message just asking if he was up.  No response until I was just about to leave for work; he called.  Of course he wanted cigarettes.  Not a “Happy Birthday” for his wife.  Just me, me, me…I want cigarettes!  I think I said “Fuck you” and hung up on him and ever since, he’s been ignoring ME.

I feel like a complete fool for believing that things could be different.  I was really excited to go home and possibly see a change in him.  I believed him when he told me that he was sorry.  I did.

So today is my birthday and I probably won’t even see my husband, let alone have a normal conversation with him, and certainly no birthday card.  It really makes me feel like shit.

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Another Year; It’s All the Same

Today is the day I was supposed to move home.

He met me out last night after my class and we had dinner.  We had a nice time, and I was actually looking forward to going home again.  I miss my cats and my place.  I even missed my husband.

When I dropped him off I gave him bus and food money for the next day.  He had a doctor’s appointment in the afternoon and I was going to see him later in the day, then he was going to help move my stuff home this evening.

Or so I thought.

I got an IM from him this morning saying that he canceled his appointment because he didn’t feel well.  Then I asked him if he was still going to help me move my things home tonight, to which he replied, “Sorry, I’d rather wait till everything is ready.”  I was confused and my internal alarms started going off.  I called him.  He sounded OK, but maybe tired or possibly getting a slight cold.  I told him that I was really surprised that he didn’t want me to come home.  He said that things were still out of place that made me angry and that he would just rather I wait until everything was right.  There goes another alarm…so I asked, “Are you drinking?”  The way he quickly answered “No” was just as much of a giveaway as if he’d simply told me the truth.  I can’t believe it, but I felt crushed.  A huge wave of emotions came over me and my eyes welled up with tears.

I feel like a fool, an imbecile, a jackass.  Why I would have even believed him in the first place is beyond me.  Now we’re verbally assaulting each other via Google Chat.  Lots of “fuck you’s” and all that fun stuff.  I am sitting at my desk, answering the phone and having to deal with clients, all while feeling like I need to scream at the top of my lungs.  And my eyes won’t stop crying and i’m getting all stuffed up, too.

Happy birthday to me.

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A Hope for Change

I have a had a busy week with job #2.  Lots of working and little time at home to relax at all.  It’s driving me absolutely crazy because I am constantly tired and am beginning to dread the job.  It leaves me tired at job#1 and I feel like I can’t focus on anything.  I need a break!

I worked Friday evening and he asked to ride along with me.  So I took him.  I like it when he comes along, and I was in a good mood for some reason.  I gave him some money so he could get something to eat or maybe buy something for himself.  He sat with me during my break; he seemed to be in a good mood, too.  After I got off, even though it was late, we had dinner together.  We shared a bunch of different kinds of food and I had a great time!  (Except for the fact that they sat us near the door and people were in and out and we’d get a cold blast of air!)  We drove back, I dropped him off, then I had to get to sleep because I had to get up and do the whole thing again the next day.  He was staying home and it made me very nervous.  I got the change from the money I’d given him but I gave him some money to go to Panera to eat…he said he wanted to get out of the house.  I stressed the whole drive to work.  We spoke on my lunch break, but I was pretty concerned that maybe he’d just begun drinking.  After we talked, I got several text messages about the cats so I figured he was probably at it again.

When I got off of work, it was about 45 minutes earlier than I was supposed to leave (they had mercy on me) and I called him.  No answer.  I called a friend to talk and I told her what I suspected.  I got closer to home and he called.  I couldn’t believe it, but I could definitely tell he wasn’t drinking.  I was relieved.  We made plans to go to breakfast the next morning.

We went to a local diner and he actually talked to me.  It was unusual.  He told me that he knew that he’d disrespected me in many ways, and that sitting at home by himslef gave him a lot of time to think about all of the things he’s fucked up over the years.  He said his “rules” weren’t they way a husband should act and he promised to help me around the house.  He also said he was tired of drinking and ruining our time together.  He wanted to grow up and be a man.  He looked into my eyes and said he was sorry.  I hadn’t heard an apology or a confession like that from him, ever.  He said he was tired of sitting at home alone and wanted me to come back.  We visited with my family later on, and I didn’t get any dirty looks while we were there.  We also went to the grocery store, and he pushed the cart for me.  That’s never happened in over twelve years.

We talked and I told him I would make plans to come home this week.  I have to work job #2 tonight again and tomorrow is my class.  Wednesday will be the first evening I will be able to have any time to do it.  Thursday is my birthday and he said he wanted to do something special together.  I just kept thinking, who are you and where is my husband?  I liked it though…no, I loved it.  For one day I felt normal and happy.  It was wonderful to spend a day with my husband.

So, I’m going to make the move.  I am going to go home Wednesday and start over with him.  I pray that I’ve made the right decision.  I don’t think things will be perfect from now on, but a little change will go a long way with me.  I’m not asking for a miracle, just a little normalcy.  I want everything to work out OK.

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Queen Bitch

I’m still living at my friend’s house.

He hasn’t had anything to drink, but once again, his attitude still sucks and I don’t think he’s cleaned the place up.  I am in no way a “neat freak” but I like things to be presentable (I love having friends over) and I think things should have a place and always be put in their place when you’re done with them.  My husband missed that class and always wonders why he can’t find the scissors, tape, screwdriver, etc when he needs them.  Every time I see him, his face looks like someone made him eat a shit sandwich.  Why not try to be cheerful towards me?  Why not smile?

I went shopping this weekend.  I bought myself something “big” to me, but it will also help me with the class I’m taking.  Anyway, I saw some good deals in men’s clearance at one of the department stores and I picked up two shirts for him.  I was excited to have a nice little surprise for him.  When I saw him later that day, I said, “Do you want to see what I got you?” and he said “Not really.”  When he finally did look at them hours later, it was when I wasn’t in the room and he never said anything like, “Thanks!” or “I like these!”.  Instead I have to coax thoughts out of him.  Do you like them?  What do you think?  It’s ridiculous.  For once, could you just act like a NORMAL person and say “thank you” in a tone other than comatose?

It’s driving me crazy.  We are never going to have a normal marriage until he gets his whole life turned around completely.  How is that even possible?  It would be hard enough for a normal person, let alone an alcoholic.

I do believe I deserve to be treated not only respectfully, but lovingly as well.  I am not a demanding or “high maintenance” woman at all.  Obviously I work and can take care of myself.  Why can’t he pick up his end and help me?  I am just so scared that I am on a path to a brick wall and the inevitable scares me.

I have to work job #2  a lot this week, too.  That is also frustrating to me because they’re scheduling me more than we’d originally agreed to.  It exhausts me and I feel crabby.  I don’t have any time to do anything but sleep and work and then take care of things I have to take care of, like groceries, etc.  Tonight is my class and I am really looking forward to it, but it will engulf my whole evening and I still won’t have time to just sit and decompress.

Man, I sound bitchy.  I am not a bitch in real life!  I just play one on the internet.

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Burglary?

I am very stressed out this and I don’t know who to talk to about it.

We live in an apartment building that’s owned by someone in my family.  I love this building.  It’s very old and beautiful.  I love showing it off to people when they come over for the first time.

We had a neighbor who was about our age – nice guy.  I could tell he liked to drink but maybe not as much as my husband.  One night I was outside and he came and told me someone broke into his apartment and stole wine.  I feared the worst but my husband swore up and down he had nothing to do with it.  Now I know you are thinking I’m just being naive, but truly – the building next to us has drug activity, domestic violence and lots of other unsavory activity.  I most definitely believed it could be someone over there.  It happened a second time, he changed his locks, it never happened again.

A year or so later when my husband was really working his program and making amends, he told me the truth.  It was him.  I was shocked and sick.  I was sad and hurt and ashamed.  He asked me if I thought he should tell the owners and I said that they wouldn’t understand and it would hurt them more than help anyone.  I told him no.

I worked job #2 last night and had to stop for cat food and cigarettes on my way home.  I pulled up to the house and my husband came to get the stuff from me.  I saw a neighbor peek out of her window at me and the next thing I knew she opened her door.  It was about 11pm so this was a little strange.  She told me someone broke into her house and took change from her piggy bank.  She said that she saw some pennies and a nickel on the floor that wasn’t there earlier and checked and everything was gone except for nickels.  I was scared shitless.  She had called the police and was going to call the landlord to have her locks changed.  My heart and mind were both racing.  She asked my husband to check her windows to be sure they were locked.  I left and he called me and said everything seemed OK.  I said, “You need to tell me the truth”.  He told me that since the last time, years ago, he’d never done it again.  He sounded like he was telling the truth, but what do I know?  I think he knew I would be looking at him.

I know he wasn’t drinking yesterday.  He wouldn’t be able to be “OK” when I saw him last evening.  I know he had a couple dollars I’d given him for bus fare and that he went to a workshop at school that evening.  I specifically asked my neighbor if it had just happened yesterday and she said yes.  I want to believe and know that it wasn’t my husband.  I am scared to death that it could be.

So who else could it be?  There are two girls living together in the building.  One of them appears to be on the up and up.  The other has been on the local “Court TV” on drug charges.  I’ve seen her get into cars in the parking lot, exchange things, get out and the vehicle leaves.  I’ve also seen her, on numerous occasions, rummaging through the dumpster looking through the garbage for cans.  I believe she is capable of it, too.

Who had access?  I’m sure there are a number of ways the girl could have gotten entry (although there didn’t appear to be forced entry).  My husband, on the other hand, has a skeleton key to the building.

I suppose either of them had motive.  If my husband wasn’t drinking though, he wouldn’t have had motive.  And from what my neighbor told me, this all happened while my husband was at his workshop at school.

I don’t know what to do.  I’m very upset about the whole thing, whether my husband is to blame or not.  God, please don’t let it be him.

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