Here We Go Again

After work, my husband rode with me to pick my things up at my friend’s house.  I went to the car wash and then we got something to eat.  While waiting for our food I asked him how he felt about everything and what his plans were.  I just told him that I can’t deal with this anymore.  I continued to reiterate that if he wanted to drink, he could just go.  He just kinda looked down at the table and didn’t say much.  “I know I have a lot of work to do” is the first thing he said and I asked, “But are you going to do them?”.  It was hard for me to keep on him, with question after question, because I usually let it go.  I am typically just so happy that he isn’t drinking that I don’t bother to stop and say, This isn’t OK with me!

After dinner I dropped him off at the meeting and I met a friend.  Today, my husband had to go to school to make sure everything was situated for him to start back on Monday.  Everything seems to be in order, so that’s good.

I am having a hard time with job#1 lately.  I am not even sure I should go into it.  I just wish I had other options.

Tonight I plan on making a nice roast and having a friend over to watch TV maybe.  Tomorrow I work job #2 ALL DAY LONG so hopefully my husband will do the right thing.  Here we go again…

Read Full Post »

A Bit of the Past

A commenter reminded me about something that had happened a while back and I live in it so often that I had forgotten about it, so I will share this story with you today.

A fellow AA friend who had been sober for many years and really worked himself into a fairly prominent position within our community had sponsored my husband.  He and his wife were active in AA and really did what they could to help the alcoholics who came to them and asked for it.  Well my husband had probably come off of another binge, but back then his binges lasted a lot longer because he readily had access to money.  Anyway, this friend had used his pull to get my husband into a sober living facility after he came out of detox.  This was huge for us.  The waiting line was usually weeks if not months out, so it was a big deal that our friend put my husband in the front of the line.  I was so excited to get some peace and hopefully some help.

This place was no “celebrity rehab”, though.  It was billed on a sliding scale, or free depending on your economic situation.  There were heroin addicts mixed in with alcoholics and prescription addicts.  It wasn’t the nicest place, but it was a huge favor and exactly what my husband needed.  Since my husband had diabetes, I needed to take supplies to the house for him, and even though we weren’t supposed to “visit”, I was still able to see him for the first few days.  We weren’t supposed to talk on the phone, either, but he was given allowance to call for different supplies he needed.  He complained to me more than once about other men in the house, and chores he was given to do.  You see, my husband grew up as an only child and was spoiled in regards to having to share or clean up after himself.

It was a Friday night, and it had been about one week since my husband had been in the house.  I was at my grandparent’s house with some other family members and I remember feeling so happy; so relieved.  My family was also glad because they knew my husband is a good person with a horrible problem.  Well I got a call from the house and figured it was my husband.  It was not.  It was one of the facilitators.  He explained that he had taken a small group of men to a local AA meeting (which was common) and that my husband had gone out to smoke and never returned.  I have to tell you, maybe I was naive, but I thought something could have happened to him.  First of all, he had absolutely no money to get himself home.  The meeting was two towns away from our home.  It would have been crazy (and unlike my husband) to walk that far.  The meeting was also in a downtown area which was not the safest place to be.  I was pretty worried and had no way of contacting him.  I had to just wait to see what happened.

I called a good friend and we went driving around the downtown area, looking in local bars.  I thought, if he went AWOL from a sober house, surely the first thing he would do is go to a bar, and this area was rife with them.  We drove around for a couple hours, at least.  I decided to go home but ended up staying the night at another friend’s house, just so I wasn’t alone, as I was pretty upset at this point.  The next morning, I called his mother and explained what happend.  We both decided we should check local hospitals to see if he had ended up there.  I was going to go home, get dressed and pick her up.  I went home and the animals greeted me and I walked into the kitchen.  I was caught off guard from seeing broken glass all over the floor.  Did someone break in?  The back door had been broken and a brick was nearby.  I walked back into the living room and sure enough, there he lay on the couch…I hadn’t even seen him when I first came in!  He was passed out.  I was furious.  By this time, my family was calling to see if I’d heard anything and I told them about the door.  A little while later they came over to replace the glass in the door.  Nothing was really said after that.  Come to think of it, I think that’s when the relationship between my husband and grandfather went south.  I think he lost a lot of respect for him after that stunt.

Like I said, this happened back in 2003 maybe?  I can’t really remember now.  Every year is the same, with the drinking and sickness and promises.  Having said that, he is still doing well as of this morning.  He went to a meeting Thursday and Friday nights and we have plans tonight and he has an appointment this afternoon that I am certain he wouldn’t miss…so, I am safe for at least 24 hours.  As the days go by since he last drank, I will start to think it’s going to happen any day now.  That’s just how it goes.

Read Full Post »

Home

Well I left work yesterday and headed to the clinic to pick up my husband.  He was slow-moving and slow-talking and we headed home so he could get cleaned up and change.   When we were almost home he said he was planning on withdrawing from this month’s class since he’s already missed 2 weeks and focus on his mental health.  He has an appointment to talk to a counselor or psychologist (not sure which) and is going to try to go to more meetings.  He said, I know you are mad at me, but I know I can give you all of the things I want to give you if I stay sober and get better and that’s all I want to do.  I just told him that is all I’ve really ever wanted from him.

He got dressed and we headed to Panera to eat.  Then we headed to the meeting and I dropped him off and then met with a friend.  He always calls me when the meeting is over and he and his friends have talked a little while.  This time it was pretty early, but I am sure they don’t want to be standing outside in these sub-zero temperatures we’ve been having.  When I picked him up, he was smiling.  I have not seen my husband smile a genuine smile in a long time.  It made me smile, too.

He said he would be meeting up with his friends this weekend and met a guy who is also trying to go to a lot of meetings and asked him for a ride.  Hopefully he sticks with it, because the only time he was ever sober for a decent amount of time (six months) was when he was going to a lot of meetings.

Today he is at school asking to be withdrawn from this class and start back again in February.  That will look a lot better than an F in the class.  I hope that all goes smoothly for him.

I am not sure how I feel yet.  I really wasn’t sure what to say to him last night.  What else can I say?  I’ve said it all a million times before and it hasn’t mattered.  All he can do for me is show me he is working on it.

On a side note, I feel extremely blessed this week.  Twelve years with an alcoholic has done more than shoot holes in my/our credit so even though I’ve needed a new car, it’s pretty much out of the question.  I had an older car that had a habit of overheating if I went over 60 mph and it made me nervous to drive, since job #2 is about 110 miles round-trip.  A friend of mine got a new car this week and I am so happy that she is selling me her old car.  It is the same year as my car but a better car in general, even though it has more miles.  I am able to drive over 60 now!  I am so happy – she is going to wait until I sell my car and I will pay her from that sale.  Thank God for coming through for me on that one!

Read Full Post »

Relax?

Tonight will be the first night I’ve spent at home in one week.  I am so excited to see my cats; I miss them so much!

He is still at the detox facility and I have not heard from him at all today.  Usually they keep him about three days total, so I am thinking that they’ll send him home tomorrow.  If I were lucky, they would take the fact that he was drinking rubbing alcohol into consideration and keep him a little longer.

It’s not that I don’t want him home, because I very much enjoy his company when he isn’t drinking.  I just know that once home, there is an invisible stop clock ticking away and it’s only a matter of days until we go through this again.  Of course he says that he will do the right thing this time, but how could he?

He has talked to at least two friends from AA, although I don’t know if they talked “program” or not.  I wish he would get back to going to meetings regularly.  It is hard for him to get around because we live in another town than most of his friends and where the “good” meetings are that he likes to go to.  With gas the way it is, it’s hard to keep asking someone for a ride, even if you do offer to give them some gas money it’s just a hassle.  I work two jobs and of course, husband has no license.

Anyway, I have about 40 minutes till I can head home and I am REALLY looking forward to it.  It’s snowing once again and I can cuddle up with the cats and get some serious relaxing in!  At least, that’s the plan.  Wish me luck.

Read Full Post »