Two Steps Forward, Ten Steps Back

Well, my fears were realized when I got home from work this afternoon.  He didn’t answer the phone.  He didn’t get the mail.  The door was unlocked.  The house smelled of smoke and staleness.  This time, however, my husband is missing.

I told you it wouldn’t last forever and that I knew the bottom would fall out from under me at any moment!  Of course, it would have been nice if it hadn’t happened when I feel like everything else in my life is falling apart.  I feel like crying, but I know it won’t help me at all.  I feel so alone and so scared of what’s to come in the next few hours.  Will he come home yelling and crazy?  Or will he be somber and pass out?  I have no idea.  It’s a crap shoot.

He has $20.  He was supposed to meet his sponsor.  I don’t think his sponsor is a 40oz of Colt 45 and a pack of Pall Mall’s.  I also found that in the corner of my living room.

I am trying not to worry about his well being, however, it keeps creeping into my mind.  How can I relax?  I am going to kick back and watch some stuff on my Tivo and I think my friend is coming over later.

Why now?  Why ever?  Ugh.  I feel so hopeless.  Then I feel rage that he would have the gall to take $20 from me when every dollar is so precious.

Fuck him.

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Can You Believe This?

I left work early yesterday so I could take my husband to his test.  When I got home, I was less than pleased with him from the night before, and I let it show.  It was about a 30 – 40 minute drive to the testing facility and I could definitely smell that horrible drunk smell on him the entire time in the car.  I dropped him off and it took him just under an hour to complete the test…and he passed.

Same thing on the drive home.  That stale smell filled the car.  When we got home, he wanted to talk to me and told me he couldn’t take it any more…he needed a drink.  He said that he’d had a hard time taking the test because he felt sick and was shaking.  I was so fed up with him I gave him a couple dollars to go get it and went to bed.  He disgusts me and I reminded him of that, as well as the fact that I want a divorce.

This morning, he asked me for cigarettes.  I almost didn’t buy them because I am sick of it, but decided I should so that no more of my DVDs disappear.  I again reminded him how much I would like a divorce.

I have not heard from him since I’ve been at work.  I am having more bad sinus issues and must have slept wrong because I have a bad knot in my neck and it’s making it very uncomfortable to sit here – and I still have about five hours to go.

I am so irritated with him.  I can’t believe he showed up to a test DRUNK and still managed to pass.  It just goes to show you what would be possible if he decided to actually DO something with his life.  Am I serious about the divorce stuff?  Yes.  And no.  The thought of going through with that stuff…and the ugliness that will come of it stops me dead in my tracks.

I have to work Saturday AND Sunday this weekend at the new job.  I will be ever so cranky from it.  Keep me in your thoughts and I hope everyone has a better weekend than I probably will.

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Yep

My instincts were finally right.  When I left work I called him a couple of times and got no answer…this was only about 20 minutes after I had talked to him at work.  I was going to see my brother’s new house and called one last time before I got there and he answered in his semi-drunken slurred speak.  I asked him if he was drinking and he denied it, then he started saying things that were pretty dumb and that I didn’t find amusing.  He said, “Oh, you’re mad at me.” and I just told him I didn’t think he was being honest with me, which was making me mad.  We hung up and I stayed at my brothers for a couple of hours and started to head home.

I tried calling him a couple of times and got no answer.  That’s when I start thinking about the mess I will have when I get home.  Literally and figuratively.  It’s not about him drinking…it’s me trying to protect every penny I have but him yelling and screaming until I give in to him.  It’s the smoke and the piling up of cans and bottles and the smell of him.  Anyway, as I was driving I realized I was very close to my friend’s house and swung by there.  We sat and talked, went and had dinner and then back to her place to talk some more.  He finally called me around 8:30 and asked me to come home and “help him out” and I promptly hung up.  I was starting to get tired a little after 9 and headed home.

Thankfully, when I got in, he was passed out in the bedroom.  I tried to be somewhat quiet and got ready for bed.  I was going to play a game on the computer but I was getting error messages and had to restart it.  That’s when I heard the >click< of the bedroom door and braced myself.  He came into the living room and sat down.  This is how he starts his asking-for-money-routine.  I ignored him for a little while then finally asked him what the F he was going to do about his test the next day; that’s when I also discovered that he had a midterm exam at school as well and was probably going to miss that, too.  He was adamant that he would be OK to go to the certification test; however, he just needed a beer to calm down.  Once he started cussing, I handed over $2.  From there it only escalates and I really just wanted to go to bed.

This morning I woke up and opened my bedroom door to a cloud of smoke.  I was instantly pissed off…he was again passed out on the couch without a care in the world.  I saw the remnants of his party last night; a 40 and 22oz can.  I continued to get ready (despite a pounding sinus headache) and he never stirred once before I left.  As of right now, I haven’t heard from him and I have no idea what is going to happen with this test tonight.

$175 dollars for a test may as well be $175,000.  It’s not easy for me to come up with this kind of money.  I am so angry with this whole situation…I just want to give up.

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MIA

After he took the $8 from me, he told me he was going to be sitting out on the front porch, so I didn’t think anything of it by 9pm and he still hadn’t come inside.  Unfortunately, bad thoughts kept creeping into my mind so I decided to call him; no answer.  I put some clothes on and went downstairs to see if he was still on the porch, but he was nowhere to be seen.  I tried to tell myself that he was fine, albeit drunk, and I shouldn’t worry.  However, physiologically, I couldn’t control my racing heart.  I went back upstairs and called a friend and she did calm me down a bit and when we hung up, I was prepared to lay down and go to sleep.  The minute my head hit the pillow, though, the racing heart and thoughts were back.

I got up at midnight and walked around the apartment, tried to call him and found no sign of him.  I tried going back to sleep but still was unable to.  At 1:30 I got up and noticed the hall light was off.  There he was, passed out on the ottoman in the living room.

All night I had been thinking I may have to file a missing person’s report.  Or, possibly, he wound up in the hospital?  Well, I told myself, I would serve him divorce papers if that was the case.  Jail?  I doubted it; he would have called.  I kept trying to tell myself that he was sitting in a park somewhere, drinking his cheap ass beer, and that he was fine, but my heart and head were thinking otherwise.

I awoke at 5am, to him saying my name and shaking me.  He wanted more money for cigarettes.  I kept telling him NO and telling him to fuck off, but he won’t let up.  Just as always, he will start raising his voice a little bit and he does a lot of pacing.  After almost an hour of it, I got up, having only 3 hours (maybe?) of sleep and got ready for work.  Yes, I gave him $5 for cigarettes.  He wasn’t going to school, he told me, because he was hung over.  I told him I would like to stay home since I got no sleep, but realistically, I couldn’t.  He doesn’t get it.  He is a selfish fucking drunk.

As I was finishing up and almost ready to walk out the door, he told me he needed quarters in case he ran out of cigarettes during the day – he could go buy a cigar.  I left and haven’t had any contact with him since.

Today I am tired and I feel anxious.  My head and eyes hurt from getting so little sleep.  I want peace.  I just want out of all of this.  Garnishment, debt, 3 jobs, a crappy car, no future.  That’s all I have.  I am set up to fail and I don’t know how to escape this downward spiral I’m caught in.

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Happy Monday!

He’s drunk!

I got home from work and he was passed out, but not for long!  He got up and yelled/cussed/threw things for about an hour till I gave into him and gave him $8.  What a marriage!

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Time to Relax

At least it’s the weekend.  I won’t have to stress about my impending doom too much.  I am not sure how I am going to make it on 25% less income for a few months, but we’ll see.  I bottle everything up and haven’t told anyone, including my husband.  It is embarrassing and there is nothing he or anyone can do to help it, so why inform them?  It just reinforces the fact that I am a total fuckup and my life has been one huge mistake after another.

Today he is supposed to be off of school, which has been his excuse lately to party it up but he is going to a workshop and then meeting with another client.  He mentioned to me that he’d like to go to Founder’s Day tonight and I am hoping that someone will be willing to give him a ride.  I am having a friend over for dinner and we’re going to watch a movie so it will be a nice little break for me.

He was in such a good mood yesterday and went to a meeting in the evening.  I don’t have to work at all this weekend so I hope it will be a good one.

I just feel so low with what’s going on with me.  I try, and then I fail miserably.  How I’ve managed to become such a failure is truly a mystery to me.  I don’t think I was supposed to end up like this but here I am.  It’s truly pathetic.

I so appreciate the positive comments from everyone.  As far as being a strong woman…I don’t have any other choice but to keep standing and taking the hits as they come.  What else could I do?  I don’t see any escape from it any time soon, either.

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I Guess I Hate Fridays Now

You guessed it.  He drank on Friday.

I tried calling him several times on my way home from work on Friday, but got no answer.  When I got home, everything was quiet and no TV (a sign).  I walked into the living room and he was passed out on the ottoman.  He was really sound asleep.  I tried to get close to smell him and yep, it was there.  I looked around the rest of the apartment and didn’t see any signs of it, but I was certain after having smelled his breath.

I sat on the chair in front of him for a few minutes, and then tried to gently wake him.  I pretended that I hadn’t the faintest idea as to what was going on.  He got up and brushed his teeth and we went and had dinner; we’d had plans to cook but it was getting close to 8 and I was just tired.

He was fine during dinner.  He ordered coffee and water but didn’t eat much.  We went home and in short order he got irritated that there was nothing to watch on TV, so he went to the bedroom.  I played a computer game for another couple of hours then went to bed.  I woke up around 7:30 with a pounding migraine.  It was one of the worst in a long, long time.  He actually got up around the same time as I did and he was fine the rest of the weekend.

The question now is, what do I do?  This is totally unacceptable to me.  Even though he doesn’t “act up”, I still am not OK with it.  Also, there will come a day when he doesn’t want to stop and I will be back in the same boat I was 6 months ago.  I cannot stand him when he’s drunk.  He is an ugly person.  I can’t put up with it anymore!

I want to say something so badly, however, I still have that bad thinking in me that it will set him off, or upset him.  The real reaction to this should be, “Who the hell cares!?” but when you are IN it, surrounded by all this insanity, you don’t want to rock the boat.

I can’t face another Friday with fear, though.   I am going to have to do something this week.  I’ve had enough of his shit.

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So Tired of it All

He really thinks he pulled one over on me.  Friday, when I got home from work, I called him about five times hoping he would come downstairs and help me carry groceries upstairs.  I didn’t get an answer.  So, I drug all of my stuff up and went inside to find a candle burning in the living room with my husband nowhere to be seen.  I went into the bedroom.  He was sleeping across the bed with the TV on and the AC pumping.  I tried to get close to take a whiff of him but couldn’t really smell anything.  He woke up and I asked him why he had been smoking in the living room.  He gave me some lame ass excuse but I know he was just trying to cover it up with the candle.  So, he got out of bed and I could tell from his demeanor that he was drunk.  Then I noticed the trash had been taken out, which is another dead giveaway.

Surprisingly, he didn’t ask me for more money the rest of the evening.  We’d planned on him cooking dinner and he did.  At first I didn’t think he was going to eat, but by the time he had prepared it, his appetite came back.  I had to hide my purse and was just expecting him to sneak off at any minute to walk to the store.  He didn’t.

The rest of the weekend was uneventful.  I went to a birthday party Saturday evening without him and was home relatively early and he didn’t drink.  I also worked early Sunday till about 4pm so was home by 5pm.  We rushed to get to a 5:10 movie (LOVED “Drag Me to Hell”!!!) and then went home and I made dinner.

I am pissed off, though.  He really thinks he pulled one over on me, doesn’t he?  He is probably figuring if he could get away with it once, why not drink every Friday!?  As soon as I realized it to be true on Friday, I immediately wished I’d given my number to that guy.  Screw my husband and fuck his drinking.  I am so sick and tired of living a “life” with him that revolves around cheap beer and lies.  On the other hand, I am too much of a coward to confront him about it.  He could react with anger or more drinking.  If I thought he would actually hold up his end of the bargain and LEAVE, I wouldn’t even care.  I just know he won’t and I can’t stand another minute seeing him drunk, stumbling around the living room, slurring his speech and cussing at me for hours on end to give him enough money for drinks.  I hate him right now just thinking about it.  I want it to end.

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Same Old

I am actually enjoying being at home.  It’s weird…it feels like I was never gone.  He has been OK.  Pretty nice.  Till this morning.  I was in the bathtub getting ready for work.  I heard someone pounding on my door and I went to the door with only a towel on me.  It was my dad, wanting my husband to fix his computer (my dad is odd to put it lightly).  Well, I think it pissed my husband off and he was kinda snappy towards me the rest of the morning till I left for work.  I’ve talked to him a few times since on the IM, and he is also being kinda nasty to me.  He told me my dad’s computer might need a hard drive, and when I asked him if he could fix it, he said, “No.  I don’t have hard drives for notebooks in stock.”  It really pissed me off and I am kinda fuming about it.  This is the kind of thing I can’t stand about him.  Why would he answer me like that?

So I was definitely going to give the man who comes into my office my phone number, but he hasn’t come today and I have a feeling he won’t be.  So much for that idea.

I guess I’ll spend the weekend cleaning, going to job #2 and dealing with a prick.  Sounds lovely!

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Ugh

I still feel stuck.  He really wants me to come home and I am halfheartedly working at that.  I just know that there will be a lot of work for me to do at home.  I know he will drink again.  And I am thinking I would like to talk to a man who has shown an interest in me who comes into my office.

He actually called me at my office and asked if he could call me sometime and I was too chicken shit to give him my number.  Please understand I am not a cheater.  I am just a woman who made the bad choice of marrying an alcoholic.  I would like to be treated nicely.  Taken out, driven (I can’t tell you the last time a man drove me around), smile, laugh and maybe even he would pay for the date.  A friend.  I am not high maintenance.  I also don’t expect to be taken care of 100% by someone.  I just want normalcy.  I would like to be treated like a woman and not a mother.  I would like to feel like a woman and not a mother.

I think I am attractive (not a “hot chick”), intelligent, funny and generally a positive person.  I don’t know how I ended up with an alcoholic, other than I was young, maybe still had low self esteem, and at 22, didn’t imagine this guy that I met as a potential husband.  It just progressed and now here I am.  30-ish and longing for attention of the not-fueled by beer kind.

There is a slight chance that he is drinking today.  I am supposed to move home at some point this weekend.  I can promise you that if he is drinking, I am most definitely giving this man my number.

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