He wants me to come home. After drinking twice last week, (not to mention all the months I’ve been away and he’s been living it up with his Steel Reserve) I am more than apprehensive about it.
He admitted to me that each time we’ve agreed on me coming home, he thinks he can get away with one more “last hurrah”. I figured that, but I kinda wanted to hear it from his mouth. Since Sunday, he hasn’t gone to any meetings and as far as I know, he hasn’t talked to any of his AA friends. This is alarming to me. I want so badly to go home. I miss my cats like crazy. I miss having my own space. I look at photos of the cats and I see my home when it’s clean and I have things just as I like them…and I truly am happy. I know when I walk through the door it’s going to look like the local garbage dump. It’s going to smell and be dusty and nothing will be put away or cleaned. It will drive me crazy until I’m able to handle it myself.
Not to mention my husband. He will maybe be OK for a few days and then I’ll come home one day from work and he’ll be passed out on the floor. Then what? He has told me that he agrees that the next time he drinks, he will leave. I love that deal. But I know that when he’s in his drinking mindset, I will have no insurance that he will actually GO. Nothing will make him. I will be forced to go back to my friend’s house and I really don’t want to have to do that.
So I feel stuck and trapped again. I certainly can’t trust what he tells me, but I also can’t stay at my friend’s place forever.
I don’t know what to do.
The Alcoholic Marriage 