My Best Poker Face

He isn’t drinking today.  We talked (and texted) quite a bit yesterday.  I was so angry about everything; he missed a mid-term exam at school, an appointment with one of his clients, and of course the fact that I’m still sleeping on a couch isn’t making me very happy.

Two days ago, I called his sponsor after I got off work.  He didn’t know that my husband was drinking but certainly suspected it.  We talked a lot about my husband’s strong sense of false pride and the fact that so many people have tried to help him and show him the way but he just does not use the tools.  In a nutshell, he basically told me to throw him out.  When I told him my reasons for not wanting to involve the police if my husband wouldn’t leave, he understood and then told me to get a few steps ahead of him and put my best poker face on.  Instead of my husband knowing I wouldn’t call the cops, go one step ahead and tell him that I’ve discussed it with certain people in my family, and the possibility is there that I might call the police the next time he drinks.  I’ll tell him that I told them not to worry and that it’s only going to happen once.  We also decided that instead of me moving back home as soon as he stops drinking, I would continue to stay at my friend’s house until I saw some real improvement from my husband.  The more I thought all of this through, the more I thought I could actually do it and that he might actually believe me.

Tonight we had plans to go to a movie with a friend so I am taking him and we’re going to get something to eat together alone before the movie.  I plan on telling him everything then.  He is not going to be happy about me not coming home and I plan on telling him that it is just getting me ready in case he does drink again, I can file divorce paperwork and will have already started to get away from him emotionally.

The terrifying thing to me is that this is all a bluff.  I haven’t talked to my family.  I do plan on continuing to stay at my friend’s house though.  What happens if this isn’t enough of a loss for him and he just drinks again?  All I can do is hope that he is more scared of losing me than he loves his alcohol.  That’s a close call, too.

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Another Binge

Well my husband never called me.  All I did was sit down on the couch and the next thing I knew, I was in and out of sleep.  I woke up around 9:30 I think and there was some goofy show on TV, which I ended up watching and I found out it was “The Bachelor”.  I’ve never seen a dumber pretense for a show in all my life.  Anyway, I tried to call my husband and got no answer.  My friend sent me a text that she was on her way home so I took her dog and ran to a drive through to get something to eat.  After she got home, I tried sending him a text message and I got no answer.  It was getting close to 5 hours that I hadn’t heard from him.  My mind started telling me I should be worried.  He’d just had a really low sugar two days prior.  He could be in a coma, right?  “Should I be worried?” I asked my friend.  We talked for a few minutes and I threw on some shoes and drove home.  The wheels of my mind were really moving now.  I was certain he was dead or in a coma.  Why else wouldn’t he have called?  I had a deal with a drunk and he was breaking it!  I went in and everything was quiet.  A light was on in the living room that wasn’t when I had left.  There he was, laying on the ottoman, all covered up.  I waited for a few seconds, listening for breath.  There it was.  He even stirred a little bit.  What an asshole I am.  I went to his favorite sitting spot in the back of the room and there were now two more bottles of the cheapest malt liquor available.  One was open and quite full.  Down the drain it went.  I also threw out the rest of the isopropyl and hid the cough syrup.  I wanted so badly to go through his pockets but I felt like I was pressing my luck.  I left.

This morning, I woke up around 5:20 and I didn’t feel so great.  Bad headache.  No calls or texts from my loving husband.  I fell back asleep and when I got up to get dressed about an hour later, he called.  Naturally he wanted cigarettes and he informed me that he wasn’t going to school.  I asked some questions, but I really don’t know if he is even aware that I dumped his 40.  He must’ve had more money to go buy more, I’m guessing.

Like the idiot I am, I took him cigarettes.  He looked awful and told me he wasn’t going to drink today.  I don’t know why I bother even hoping that he’s telling the truth.  I know it’s a lie.  So I’m at work and I feel miserable.  Physically and mentally.  I want to go home and curl up into a ball and cry and sleep.  Oh, that’s right…I can’t afford to leave work because I am the only person in my household that has a job.

I signed up for a class that starts tonight.  It’s once a week for four weeks and normally I would be excited but I feel so depressed today that I am not looking forward to going.  The way my life has turned out is such a JOKE and I just keep letting myself be pulled further and further down by him.  The pathetic part is that I do love him (or maybe I just think I love him) and I don’t want a divorce.  I say I want a divorce, but I don’t think I am capable of actually going through with it.

I have to go home to get my supplies for the class.  Can’t wait.

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A Bit of the Past

A commenter reminded me about something that had happened a while back and I live in it so often that I had forgotten about it, so I will share this story with you today.

A fellow AA friend who had been sober for many years and really worked himself into a fairly prominent position within our community had sponsored my husband.  He and his wife were active in AA and really did what they could to help the alcoholics who came to them and asked for it.  Well my husband had probably come off of another binge, but back then his binges lasted a lot longer because he readily had access to money.  Anyway, this friend had used his pull to get my husband into a sober living facility after he came out of detox.  This was huge for us.  The waiting line was usually weeks if not months out, so it was a big deal that our friend put my husband in the front of the line.  I was so excited to get some peace and hopefully some help.

This place was no “celebrity rehab”, though.  It was billed on a sliding scale, or free depending on your economic situation.  There were heroin addicts mixed in with alcoholics and prescription addicts.  It wasn’t the nicest place, but it was a huge favor and exactly what my husband needed.  Since my husband had diabetes, I needed to take supplies to the house for him, and even though we weren’t supposed to “visit”, I was still able to see him for the first few days.  We weren’t supposed to talk on the phone, either, but he was given allowance to call for different supplies he needed.  He complained to me more than once about other men in the house, and chores he was given to do.  You see, my husband grew up as an only child and was spoiled in regards to having to share or clean up after himself.

It was a Friday night, and it had been about one week since my husband had been in the house.  I was at my grandparent’s house with some other family members and I remember feeling so happy; so relieved.  My family was also glad because they knew my husband is a good person with a horrible problem.  Well I got a call from the house and figured it was my husband.  It was not.  It was one of the facilitators.  He explained that he had taken a small group of men to a local AA meeting (which was common) and that my husband had gone out to smoke and never returned.  I have to tell you, maybe I was naive, but I thought something could have happened to him.  First of all, he had absolutely no money to get himself home.  The meeting was two towns away from our home.  It would have been crazy (and unlike my husband) to walk that far.  The meeting was also in a downtown area which was not the safest place to be.  I was pretty worried and had no way of contacting him.  I had to just wait to see what happened.

I called a good friend and we went driving around the downtown area, looking in local bars.  I thought, if he went AWOL from a sober house, surely the first thing he would do is go to a bar, and this area was rife with them.  We drove around for a couple hours, at least.  I decided to go home but ended up staying the night at another friend’s house, just so I wasn’t alone, as I was pretty upset at this point.  The next morning, I called his mother and explained what happend.  We both decided we should check local hospitals to see if he had ended up there.  I was going to go home, get dressed and pick her up.  I went home and the animals greeted me and I walked into the kitchen.  I was caught off guard from seeing broken glass all over the floor.  Did someone break in?  The back door had been broken and a brick was nearby.  I walked back into the living room and sure enough, there he lay on the couch…I hadn’t even seen him when I first came in!  He was passed out.  I was furious.  By this time, my family was calling to see if I’d heard anything and I told them about the door.  A little while later they came over to replace the glass in the door.  Nothing was really said after that.  Come to think of it, I think that’s when the relationship between my husband and grandfather went south.  I think he lost a lot of respect for him after that stunt.

Like I said, this happened back in 2003 maybe?  I can’t really remember now.  Every year is the same, with the drinking and sickness and promises.  Having said that, he is still doing well as of this morning.  He went to a meeting Thursday and Friday nights and we have plans tonight and he has an appointment this afternoon that I am certain he wouldn’t miss…so, I am safe for at least 24 hours.  As the days go by since he last drank, I will start to think it’s going to happen any day now.  That’s just how it goes.

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